The last few weeks I’ve found myself listening to more sports talk radio than usual.  In between listening to Sportszilla and the Jabber Jocks blather on about the NFL Lockout (“WE ARE GETTING CLOSER. I THINK THIS IS GONNA HAPPEN ANY DAY NOW), I’ve heard a gravelly-voiced guy referred to as “Coach” giving a bunch of dudes in what sounded like a locker room, a pep talk about drinking. A similar commercial features a Rex Ryan-wannabe that talks to a similar group of cheering men about being “that guy.” The background features a cheap “Explosions in the Sky”-esque guitar riff to build the anticipation. Are they hackneyed? Oh Lord, yes. Do they make me want to go out on a random Tuesday night and tie one on? Sort of. A few of the choice lines:

“Gentlemen, you were conceived on nights like tonight.”

Bullshit. This is also kind of insulting — is Budweiser insinuating my parents were hopped up on Bud Heavys when they decided to make a little Duke? A) My parents weren’t that cool; and B) thanks for making me think about how that whole process went down.

“Tonight, you’re up against it. It’s gonna be YOU against YOU.  Who you gonna be? You gonna be that guy who missed it?”

Oh, crap.  Someone let Jon Gruden in the building. But pangs of guilt are seeping in. Quoth the Cube: “Peer pressure is a motherf*cker.”

“You don’t want to be that guy that has to turn in early because he has work the next morning.”

Man, I do not want to be that guy.  I have too many friends who are that guy and they are lame. But… I also don’t want to be the guy who rolls into work reeking of booze with glassy eyes.  That guy usually ends up unemployed or in AA.

“That guy will never buy a round of Budweisers for the entire bar. We LOVE that guy.”

“See kids, there are 3 types of advertising messages: Subliminal, Liminal, and SuperLiminal.” — LT Smash

“Tonight is underrated…Tonight you can’t be disappointed… It’s just another night.”

Huh? It’s a Tuesday and I have a 9 o’clock meeting tomorrow. Do chicks even go out on Tuesday nights? I have the feeling I’m going to be sitting at a bar by myself until 11:30, when the bar closes BECAUSE IT’S A FREAKING TUESDAY NIGHT.

“It’s when you stayed up until the sun comes up.”

Does that mean I won’t be conceiving children tonight?  Or does that come after?  Because I’m gonna be tired.

“Put on your Saturday night outfit and make tonight the greatest night of your life.”

Help me out here — what is my “Saturday night outfit?” Can I wear jeans? Are flip flops to casual? Also, anyone else creeped out that “Coach” is telling me what “outfits” to wear?

“YOU GOT TO GO OUT.”

Ok, ok, I get it. See you at the bar.

Bet you didn’t think you would see anything more homoerotic than the Top Gun beach volleyball scene or the race between Rocky and Apollo in Rocky III outside of porn. Tina Turner and Australia have something to say about that. Check out this 1989 Australian rugby league promo. Talk about hitting all markets in one money shot.

Who knew Freddie Mercury played rugby? No fat-bottomed girls for him today. He likes his men like he likes his paper towels. Burly with a mustache.

Aussie Rules could have gone down the same path and gotten Elton John or Cher to do their ads. Hell no. AC/DC all the way.

The NFL and major networks could learn something from the Australians. Give the people what they want and stop trying to force feed us crap like the Sunday Night Football theme by Faith Hill.

No way we’re posting the real thing. Do they really think viewership will go up with Hill doing the intro? I’ll say it now. I’ll take John Tesh over that milquetoast bullshit every time. I’d give NBC a little more leeway if they had Joan Jett sing it but she’s a lesbian and they can’t have that. We also can’t show players getting blown up because people’s feelings will get hurt and no one will think of the children. Douche rock doesn’t count, ESPN. That’s no better. You want to get me hype for a game? Give us players getting lit up and making ridiculous catches to X Gon Give It To Ya by DMX or Assassin by Muse.

Remember that Coors Light ad?  Well you won’t see any more like it, at least you wont see one with any sort of NFL branding on them because Anheuser-Busch owners InBev just locked down the official beer of the NFL rights for a cool $1.2 billion.  Say that with me, $1.2 billion dollars.  If there is ever a deal that is good and bad for the owners, its this one.  How on earth can they claim poverty come negotiation time with the NFLPA when they signed this mega deal and this is just one of their many “official” sponsors?

In this down economy, the new beer sponsorship will, according to the St. Louis Business Journal, pay the league $42 million in the first  year and increase to $50 million by the end of the 6 year deal.  Currently, they are being paid $3o million a year.  That’s a pretty nice raise, yes/no?

Budweiser used to be the official beer of the NFL but they’ve never had as much exclusivity as they currently have.  Right now, Budweiser is the official beer of 28 NFL teams, the exclusive beer of the NFL and the exclusive beer of the Super Bowl including the logos that go along with it.  As great as that is for Budweiser, I think it might not be the best for the fans.  Not because we need to see a variety of beer commercials, no, who cares about commercials really, that is just the point of the game where I run to the bathroom or check my fantasy team.  No, the most troubling thing about the deal is that we still probably won’t see another Bud Bowl since it was created because Bud didn’t have the Super Bowl logo rights at the time.  Now they have them and I am sad.  I still want more Bud Bowls.  That is good Super Bowl commercial gambling entertainment there.

I mean, this is about 10 times better than any of those coaches commercials, right?

Only Vegas can give people the chance to enjoy hookers in every sense of the word. The USA Rugby Sevens were on ABC opposite the Olympics this past weekend. It’s an underrated tournament and a great chance to check some rugby in Vegas between visits to the Bunny Ranch and Spearmint Rhino.

We don’t pay enough attention to rugby on the Deuce. Maybe it’s because we don’t understand it that well. However you have to appreciate a sport where people try to kill each other without pads. Here are a couple rugby commercials that show different sides of the game.

1. The Scottish answer to the Haka. Rugby plus whiskey? Check and mate.

More videos after the jump.

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