Lawrence Phillips would be proud. The Nebraska Cornhuskers are collecting DUIs like the Baltimore Ravens under Brian Billick.

Safety Rickey Thenarse was slapped with a DUI this past weekend and won’t be eligible to play for the Huskers in the Holiday Bowl.

“It saddens me to announce that Rickey Thenarse will be suspended for the Holiday Bowl due to a violation of team rules,” Husker coach Bo Pelini said in a statement Sunday night.

Thenarse was found in his car which was stopped in the middle of a street at early Sunday morning. He blew a .11, had a suspended license as well as expired tags.

The safety isn’t the first Husker getting down DUI style this season. DT Baker Steinkuhler also was a proud recipient of one earlier this month. He’s also suspended from playing in the Holiday Bowl.

Husker Extra says his DUI was given near the same intersection where Thenarse received was intercepted by the police. Maybe it’s the Bermuda Triangle of booze and Husker football players can’t control themselves whenever they drive near it.

Thenarse is a senior which means he won’t be able to play in his last game. He should consider himself lucky. He could be Derrell Johnson-Koulianos.

Somewhere John Calipari is saluting Rich Rodriguez’s ability to be under investigation by the NCAA Committee on Infractions for potential (yeah, potential) violations at two schools at the same time. He goes before the committee for the Michigan allegations on August 14th. West Virginia has their day in December.

Earlier this spring, the Michigan athletic department sent a letter to Booster Club members and other fans about avoiding behavior that could get the school in trouble with the NCAA. Here’s the email in its entirety.

Maybe Michigan should spend more time worrying about Rodriguez and his poor record to date rather than their fans. He should receive email reminders every day telling him not to violate NCAA rules. It probably wouldn’t make a difference. He’d just delete the emails without reading them.

A closer look at the NCAA report on West Virginia shows that in violation 5(a) “Prior to the 2005-06 academic year through the fall semester of the 2007-08 academic year, the [WVU] compliance staff communicated concerns to the football staff regarding various individuals with interactions with football student-athletes during practice and game-day activities. However, individuals who were considered to be noncoaching sport-specific staff members continued to engage in impermissible activities… subsequent to the discussions.”

In layman’s terms, West Virginia’s compliance staff told Rodriguez he was breaking the rules and he ignored them. It is interesting to note that nowhere in the investigation does it mention the compliance staff expressing concern to Bill Stewart or his assistants-for better or for worse.

No one can be surprised that Rodriguez is in trouble for his action or lack thereof at West Virginia and Michigan. That’s like being surprised when the sun rises in the morning or Marion Barry gets in trouble with the law.

This situation was foreseeable but the desire to win overruled common sense. The football program is struggling and now the threat of NCAA penalties looms over the school. They’re enough to raise the red flags which should have been raised when Rodriguez was first considered for the job. Maybe it’s best to find a reason to hit the eject button and find a head coach with a whiff of integrity before he ruins Michigan football more than he has already. That’s the impartial observer in me. The Wisconsin fan says keep him at all costs. He’s doing a great job.

It’s not all bad at Michigan. Ann Arbor has two things going for it even if football is going down the toilet. Mayer Hawthorne and Poutine Burger. Let us know if you’ve had the burger and/or you’re willing to send us one with no Ex-Lax or roofies.

Here go the Mayer Hawthorne: Maybe So, Maybe No

I'm sorry, what?

Just in case you didn’t know before reading this, I am a girl.  And, like any stereotypical girl, I also happen to be rather fond of shopping. I like shopping for pretty much anything, clothes, purses, shoes, and make-up. I even like the trying on part but, I’ll be honest that I especially like the buying part.  There is just one exception to my love of shopping, I LOATHE shopping for fan gear. 

I hate it so much, I avoid it at all costs and sometimes just opt for wearing my team’s colors.  Why the seething hatred?  Because shopping for fan gear is an extremely frustrating experience. Why? Because I don’t like sparkles, pink (unless it’s the teams color or made to raise awareness for breast cancer), team earrings, team purses, going to a game looking like I am there solely to whore myself, or wearing clothes that don’t fit. Yeah, that’s a lot to dislike.  Hence the moving on to loathing levels. 

Women can’t buy fitted baseball caps.  Instead,  We have to buy those baseball caps with the metal belt thingy in the back, which is miserable to adjust, or buy the plastic snap adjustable ones, which never fit right and look silly when you have a long piece of plastic leftover in the back.  I am sure you are not shocked to learn I do not own a single baseball cap.  At rainy games, I wish I had a hat that fit right.  At sunny games, I wish I had a hat that fit right. 

Women also can’t buy authentic NFL Jersey’s.  Replica and premier jerseys only.  Need help choosing from the options that are available?  Take a look at NFL.com’s guidelines for women shopping for a jersey: 

“Women’s NFL® jerseys from Reebok® have a slimmer, shorter, tighter fit that hits just below the waistline. NFL Shop customer feedback suggests that you should select a size larger than normal when purchasing these jerseys. If you prefer a boxier cut, a kids’ size may fit better, and if you’re looking for a fuller cut and longer length, choose a smaller men’s jersey.”

Gee thanks, but the guide doesn’t work.  Don’t tell me it’s too hard to make clothes that fit us cause if Target can make girls strapless dresses that fit just fine, I have faith that the multi-billion dollar industry that is the NFL can figure it out.  But they haven’t yet.  Women’s jerseys never fit right.  They are too short, too tight in the boobs, and too big everywhere else.  Who thought having boobs should cause a problem?  Clearly the makers of jerseys think women should be flat-chested.  So, I can buy a smaller men’s jersey, right?  Wrong.  The smaller sizes of the men’s jerseys are down to my mid thighs at a minimum and sometimes down to my knees.  So, I usually opt to go with the kids jerseys, which always makes me think, seriously?  Is this really the best they can offer?  At least I get to save money, right?   Right, but I would still rather pay more for something that fit properly.

It also seems as if the marketing geniuses, probably men, thought that in order to make women purchase fan gear, it needed to be sparkly or come in pink. 

It isn’t completely their fault though.  There are a lot of women out there who want pink sparkly clothes available for every occasion, including their one and only trip to The Green Monster. 

Hmmm, why does he look so happy? Oh, I totally get it now. He's not a Romo fan. He's trying to make fun of Romo? Jessica? Wait, I'm still not sure.

Quite frankly, in my opinion, the only jersey that should be made in pink is Tony Romo’s but, it should come in all sizes so that even his male fans can be forced to wear it when he fumbles away their playoff chances next time. Just kidding.  Okay, I lied, I’m not.

Don’t get me wrong, I understand why sports stores offer them.  They offer them because girls, who are more concerned about how they look in orange and think they look like, so much better in pink, buy them.  However,  they should be offered as an option, for girls below the age of 13 only, ID required for purchase.  It shouldn’t be force fed down my throat every time I walk into a Modell’s.  To be honest, I don’t think other women should wear them either.  But, the only way to make stores stop selling them is for girls to stop buying them.  So, PLEASE, stop buying them.  Remember last year when the Titans decided to stomp all over some terrible towels on the sideline?  After the game, it was repeated all over the media, discussed endlessly, and was considered a display of intended disrespect?  Wearing a pink jersey is kinda like that.  So, in my opinion, fan gear should be worn in the authentic team colors only, and, should not be worn in the form of a pair of earrings or an ugly purse.  So, until the teams I root for change their colors to include pink, which I seriously doubt will ever happen, I will never be caught dead in one. 

There needs to be a better option and it seems there are others who agree with me.  There have been recent efforts to tap into the female fan market.  MLB has been at the front of a movement to offer female fans options while baseball reap’s the benefits of tapping into an undervalued market with few desirable options.  So, what made MLB wake up and pay attention?   I would also like to think that someone recognized that men will continue wearing their favorite players t-shirt or jersey long after the shirt is stained, wripped, torn, or their favorite player has retired.  Women, on the other hand, will want options in their wardrobe based on weather, time of the game, or who’s playing that day.  I mean shoot, I know I would never wear a shirt again after there was a big mustard stain on it, I;m just sayin.  Or, someone figured out that MLB Statistics indicate women account for over 40% of fans in attendance at their games.  In leading this movement, MLB partnered with Alyssa Milano and G-III apparel to launch the Touch Line.  The line was then introduced into the NFL, and now, the NHL as well with some college gear thrown in.  Some of the clothes are actually pretty cute.  HOWEVER, most of the items offered are tight, short, show lots of cleavage, and are super-girly, by which I mean you can’t even tell it’s fan gear unless you look very very closely, if anyone looking ever got past the cleavage, that is.  

I am apologizing in advance if this is your mom in her mom jeans.

I know the men reading this aren’t complaining; however, picture that shirt on someone who doesn’t look like Alyssa Milano.  Plus, excuse me if I don’t want to take her fashion advice.  She dated Eric Nies, Carl Pavano, Barry Zito, and Brad Penny.  That’s like a parade of athletic douches.  So, maybe she is designing these clothes for girls who want to look like they date douches?  Word of advice ladies.  You don’t want to look like you want to date a douche, do you?  To be fair though, some of it is wearable and pretty cute.  The hoodies, some t-shirts, and that’s about it.  Tunics and baby doll dresses with a red sox logo on it isn’t my idea of fan gear.

Instead of making further improvements; however, female fan gear has just taken a step backwards.  For all the girls who wear those lame ass sweat pants with Juicy across your asses that make you look like you take it up the ass, Victoria Secret has made something for you.  They just had to throw their hats in the ring with their PINK brand.  I can see the whores, oops I meant hordes, of girls now.  Before you know it, the shirts will say hottest _____fan, right across their ass.  I personally can’t wait because, trust me, even in jeans and a normal t-shirt, when I talk about sports, guys always take me seriously.  These items of clothing will undoubtedly make the girls wearing it look like they are at the game for anything other than the game itself, even if it isn’t true. 

So, fashion designers take note, make something more appropriate, I can guarantee you at least one customer.

Sometimes I think sports are a lot like little kids; they always want attention, even if it makes them do something really stupid.  I know that consciously, professional football players would never purposefully sexually assault a young woman, throw a drink on her, or even carry a loaded gun to the airport.  But part of my subconscious wonders if they just can’t stand the fact that NCAA basketball and Major League Baseball are stealing all the attention so this is their way of getting it back.  Ok, I know that’s a stretch, but there has to be a reason to explain away this stupidity.  Oh wait, it’s called “Young Dummies with Money” syndrome or YDMS.  Did I just invent that?  Well, color me Bill freakin’ Simmons.  Now, a 20,000 word missive comparing the 2007 Patriots to some jackass on the Real World. 

Nah, we’ll just do headlines…  

• ESPN celebrated the launch of ESPN New York.

Also known as “ESPN.”  How was this even a challenge for them?  Did they just pay some guy to create a NYC skyline graphic and put it up?  And at what point will we get ESPN Des Moines?  And will I ever write another sentence that isn’t a rhetorical question?

• LaDainian Tomlinson attempted to blame his lack of production in San Diego on Norv Turner’s offensive scheme.

"If 'dis freakin' guy don't sign my bawl, I'm gonna chuck it at his groin over here." AKA, "ESPN New York target audience."

Now LT has something in common with Heath Shuler.  Not sure if that’s what he was looking for, though.  To borrow a phrase from Thomas Hobbes (is this a great sports blog, or what?), the life of a NFL running back is “nasty, brutish, and short.”  In 2008, LT carried the ball only 23 less times than in 2007 (his last great season) and had 364 fewer yards.  That’s a big drop-off.

I’m happy that everyone is ok, but sorry Mom, that’s what you get for naming your kid, “Denard.”  It always amazes me that more people haven’t gotten hurt at baseball games.  This sounds like a job for ESPN Des Moines.

• ESPN had six of its basketball writers scrutinize the factors that may lead LeBron James to finding a new home this summer.

Hey, check me out!  I did the same thing!  Here’s my list of factors:

1. $

Let me double check the list, one more time, just to be sure:

1. $

 And I’mmmmmm spent.  ESPN, call me!

• Cleveland Browns nose tackle Shaun Rogers was arrested for carrying a loaded .45-caliber hand gun at a Cleveland Airport.

 I don’t understand the big deal — maybe he was there to shoot birds.  Has anyone asked him that?

• The University of Alabama will unveil a Nick Saban statue outside the school’s football stadium.

How do you convey “pompous” and “insane” into a statue?

• A Washington DC high school hired a female teacher as its new varsity head football coach.

And at a private school just outside of Houston, Roger Clemens applied to coach the women’s softball team.

• The final PECOTA projections were released for the 2010 baseball season.

And somewhere, VORPies gather to collectively mock the tsunami of enraged fans inhabiting the ESPN comment section   Hey guys, you’re getting angry at a math formula.  Isn’t that what 3^rd graders do? 

• Hulk Hogan was so depressed after his divorce that he took a bunch of pills and rum.

Lindsay Lohan is not impressed.  She calls those “Tuesdays.”

Boom. Roasted.

In any case, baseball season is here.  I cannot wait.

Kill some time at work and read this Slate takedown of Kentucky’s John Calipari. Most of these incidents won’t be a surprise to anyone that follows college basketball. Kentucky fans better enjoy the run while it lasts because he’s going to leave a shit show in his wake when he takes off in the middle of the night like a Mayflower moving truck. Oh what’s this? Memphis required to vacate its entire 2007-2008 season. Nothing to see here. Move along.