Spike Lee is in London popping off about the Knicks now that he’s done messing up Oldboy. There’s no reason to remake that movie.* I don’t know how he found the time to do all of this in between telling us how Django Unchained isn’t worth seeing even though he hasn’t seen it. Apparently it’s an insult to our ancestors. I’m sorry. We didn’t cover that in the last black people meeting and it wasn’t in the newsletter. Maybe I should read the individual emails instead of cruising the digest.

I can’t entirely blame Spike as it’s mainstream media that repeatedly runs to the same people for their opinions on all things black as though we’ve appointed them to be our spokespeople. Sometimes they just appoint themselves like Katt Williams. No doubt he’s a great filmmaker (Spike not Katt). It’s fine if he has beef with Tarantino or just doesn’t want to see it. That’s his choice but I don’t want to hear that I shouldn’t see it because it’s on the Negro Politburo blacklist. They may send Blackwatch after me when they find out that I like hockey and Aussie Rules Football. I dug Silver Linings Playbook (not because Chris Tucker was in it although he was solid) and loathe Tyler Perry movies. Torche, Fidlar, Merchandise and Jessie Ware? Regular rotation along with yacht rock. On the other hand, I think mayonnaise was created by the CIA to keep the black man down. I heart all the Clans, X and Poison. I believe that only Mannie Fresh can bring back the Cash Money magic. I agree that hip-hop is on its death bed due to mainstream radio and major labels. 2 Chainz and Waka Flocka are disgraces to the rap game and Trinidad James is an abomination. He needs to be in the black people penalty box. Five minute major. Chief Keef is also terrible but I’m fascinated by him. It’s just because I wonder how long he has until he gets killed. It’s when not if. I’m a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma encased in chocolate. Either that or just annoyingly complicated and long-winded. I digress.

Spike, in London for the Knicks game, is up to his usual rah-rah thing which is usually harmless. However he made some interesting comments which caught my eye. He believes that Africa should embrace the Knicks since soccer is the #1 sport in Britain. Huh?

British fans have embraced the NBA, selling out game after game at the O2 Arena, the same venue that hosted the Olympic basketball final last year. But with soccer firmly entrenched as the No. 1 sport in the country, Lee appealed to Africa.

“I want all my brothers and sisters in the continent of Africa to support the New York Knickerbockers,” Lee said. “The New York Knickerbockers are Africa’s team. I just said that. Orange and blue.”

This country seems to be full so I’ll just take this continent. If Taylor Swift could place Africa on a map, she’d do a remix called Africa Will Never Ever Support The Knicks. You know why? No Africans. Africans don’t support teams without Africans. It’s a fact. How many times do I have to hear relatives tell me that no African should like Liverpool because they have no Africans and that means they don’t want them?

Africans also like winners except in their own governments, militaries and police (family excluded). The Knicks may have been New York’s team but they can’t even dominate the whole city anymore. Perhaps they should worry about that, JR Smith up the club until 5 AM and Melo waiting by the bus because LaLa tastes like Honey Nut Cheerios. They’d rather support the Bulls even though Michael Jordan isn’t there and wears mom jeans accented with a Hitler mustache. General Motors is a better GM than him and they went bankrupt. Spike Lee needs to just… PAUSE. See what I just did there? …I’ll get my coat and see myself out.

* Great foreign movies are rarely honored when they’re remade (read: dumbed down and censored) for American audiences. The Oldboy hallway fight scene is ridiculous and the ending? Forget it. Floored. See it. If you’re still up for the remake, you’re probably excited about another season of The Killing.

Once upon a time, before athletes became acutely sensitive to every-little-slight or criticism, athletes used to be able to criticize each other with impunity. But then we had crap like Sammy Sosa and Mark McGuire holding hands during the homerun chase, and applauding your competitors became the thing to do. In the age of 24/7 media, GOD FORBID we ever hear a disparaging word about an athlete on ANOTHER TEAM, or even admit that someone on your own team screwed up. Today we live in a society that gives every kid a trophy, and funds the WNBA.

Fortunately, Charles Oakley played during a different time when you not only talked sh*t, you also tried to harm your opponent. So when Oakley went on the Jim Rome radio show the other day we were all treated to a throwback roast fest of world-class pussies like Kevin Garnett and Kendrick Perkins.

Thanks Probasketballtalk:

“Garnett left Minnesota and hollered and screamed and all that but hes not a tough guy,” Oakley said as Sports Talk Network shared with us. “He’s one of the weakest guys to ever play the game. He’s a complimentary player and went to Paul Pierce’s team and won a championship. I wouldn’t consider him a top 10 tough guy…

…“Barkley, for his size, was a good player but he’s a coward,” Oakley continued. “He was a good player for his size, but he wasn’t a leader and wasn’t a role model. Now he talks so bad about younger guys. I don’t respect that from him. He’s a fraud. He can criticize all the younger kids and if he got something to say, call them and talk to them before you just blast them. He’s wants to be funny, that whole TNT thing and all that, they’re like some clowns on that show”…

…Oakley wasn’t done there. He also said that Kendrick Perkins is similar to K.G. in that all he does is holler and complain, and that the Thunder would win championships if he would just play basketball. Oakley added that Perk’s attitude is the reason he got dunked on by Blake Griffin, and said throughout his 19-year career he only got dunked on three times. Somebody check the tape on that, please.

It’s a well known fact that Garnett is softer then baby food, but I like Oakley so I will just go ahead and agree with everything he said.

Years ago, I was in Chicago visiting my bigshot friends from college, and we saw Oakley and Michael Jordan in a roped off section at a club in the Gold Coast. When Oakley and Jordan left, they had a small army of little blondes with them, and packed them into a small fleet of Maybachs. Take notes, Brady Quinn, and you too could be departing with an army of blondes and a fleet of Maybachs.

You can find some pretty fantastic things while browsing the interwebs.  Things like this classic 1987 commercial for the NBA featuring the yacht rock sounds of Hall and Oates providing a soundtrack to some highlight footage of players like Michael Jordan, Larry Bird, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and others. Isn’t everything just 100 times more awesome with a Hall and Oates soundtrack?  They could be the soundtrack to a funeral and people would leave it saying what an awesome time they had.  Enjoy the old timey footage follks.  Apparently today is video Wednesday on the Deuce.

Tony Hawk has been called the Michael Jordan of skateboarding, which is a bit ridiculous because skateboarding is an individual sport, not a team one. But then you read stuff like this and you realize that maybe they didn’t mean it like you originally thought.

Tell me you want sole custody People magazine:

Tony Hawk’s third marriage is coming to an end.

The pro skateboarder, 42, filed for divorce from his wife, Lhotse Merriam, in North San Diego County, Calif., on Friday.

“We have made the difficult decision to file for divorce,” the couple say in a joint statement Monday.

It couldn’t have been that difficult. I mean yeah, he’s got a kid with her, but this guy is making money hand over fist and he is parking his car in a garage that I wouldn’t treat to White Castle after staining her upholstery and pulling a David Blaine on her.

Still, divorce can be tough on kids. But that’s why you have things like “two Christmases.” Divorced kids know what I am talking about! No self-respecting parent wants to be outdone by their ex at holiday time. It’s childish but we do what we can to buy our children’s love. Unless you’re me and you avoid your parental responsibilities altogether.

I refuse to play your little game you slut!

In continuing with the Deuce’s “All-LeBron, All the Time” coverage today, here is a commercial that Michael Jordan says he (and Nike) had nothing to do with.  You be the judge:

Yeah, I’m not buying it.  Either way, let’s not forget who still rules the basketball world when it comes to getting it done.