His father is a drug dealer. His mother is a shoplifter. He’ll sleep with your woman. His brother will too except he’ll take it one step further and give it to her while you’re in the same house. It’s just another day for the Terry family.

Rushden and Diamonds keeper Dale Roberts hung himself months after his fiancée Lindsay Cowen left him for his former teammate, Paul Terry. Paul is the older brother of Chelsea and former England captain John Terry.

The affair took place earlier this year while Terry was staying with the couple.

Lindsey admitted the affair when a suspicious Dale confronted her at their home in Higham Ferrers, Northants. A source said: “Lindsey came out and told Dale what had been happening. He was horrified.

“Dale rang Paul and he denied everything but he’s admitted to other players that he’s been sleeping with her.”

Heartbroken Dale, 24, said yesterday: “It’s true, she told me she’d been seeing Paul.

“We’ve split up. I’m trying to get my head around it all, it’s only just happened. I’m a bit messed up.”

“It is bad enough she’s done it at all but the fact that it is with him, one of my team-mates, makes it that much harder to bear.”

Rushden and Diamonds was forced to release Terry after Roberts and the rest of the team refused to play with him.

Roberts fell into a deep depression and never recovered after Cowan left him. He was discovered in his house and word of his death spread quickly through the team. Rushden and Diamonds’ next two matches were called off and have yet to be rescheduled.

Cowan had the audacity to release a statement claiming that she was devastated over his death.

[She] described the 24 year-old as ”my childhood sweetheart and the love of my life”.

”We had been together since a young age and I will never get over his death.”

That should comfort Roberts’ parents and friends. If that’s how she treats the love of her life, I’d hate to see how she does her enemies. How about not fucking your finance’s friends and teammates?

Anything the Terry family touches is bound to be a disaster and I’m saying this as a long time Chelsea supporter. I’ll take John Terry in my back four but I’ll never turn my back on him or anyone else in his family. A friend of mine pointed out that he “causes more contagious misery than ebola”. She also noted that if you play Six Degrees of John Terry, you can link him to everything bad that happens in the world.

“John Terry works for Roman Abramovich…. who hangs out with Vladimir Putin…. who carpet bombed 200,000 Chechens to death. Oops looky there, only 3 degrees between JT and genocide.”

Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon is old and busted. Try it out. It’s scary how well the game works.

How about the softer side of Vladmir Putin? He can’t be killing all the time. Here he is chilling out with some friends and singing Blueberry Hill backed up by Maceo Parker. What? Exactly.

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Great things come in bears. Now guess who comes in whores. If you picked Sen. David Vitter and Peter Crouch, winner winner chicken dinner! Actually Vitter comes in diapers but that’s a story for another time.

The England and Spurs striker was busted by News of the World for picking up a hooker during a bachelor party weekend in Madrid. Of course, she and a hotel insider spilled the story to the rag for an undetermined amount of money.

Crouch handed over cash to petite Monica for a sex act in the back of a taxi and THEN bedded her at a downmarket hotel in the Spanish capital.

In an exclusive interview with the News of the World, Monica told us: “Peter had no hesitation in paying to have sex with me. He wasn’t nervous.

Who knew insects got down like that? It gets better.

* DEMANDED the sex act in the taxi despite knowing passing drivers might see them as they travelled through central Madrid.

* GASPED with desire as he admired Monica’s naked body, crying out, ‘Oh my God… it’s beautiful.’

* INSISTED on taking her mobile number in case he fancied a replay.

* BEGGED hotel staff to strike his name from their records in a bid to cover his tracks.

Needless to say, Crouch’s attempted cover-up went as well as Nixon’s after the Watergate break-in.

The Sun “reports” that Crouch is being forced to sleep on the couch by his fiancee, Abbey Clancy. She ran to John Terry’s wife, Toni for support. Good advice will definitely flow from a woman with no self-respect who lets her man cheat on the regular because he buys her nice things.

“Abbey, get used to it and get yourself something nice like a good WAG. Now get out of here before John gets back. He knows you’re with Peter so he’ll definitely want a shag. Although if he does, I get a trip to Bali… On second thought, come in and have a drink. He’ll be home in 15.”

Have you ever seen a praying mantis do the robot? Click here. Now you have.

I’m going to miss the World Cup when it’s over.

Current England captain Rio Ferdinand didn’t waste any time taking after former captain John Terry. At least he’s stating his intentions on video instead of creeping around the backs of his teammates. Watch him do his best Disco Stu impression for the “benefit” of some hapless secret admirer.

What woman wouldn’t appreciate a secret admirer message from Captain Rio? One can only assume this message was followed up by a picture of Ben Roethlisberger’s gray dick.

Several years ago, some friends bought a celebrity message and got Fred Berry to call our friend on his birthday. What’s better than getting a call from Rerun? Birthday service from Dee Dee. Hey hey hey! Yeah. I’ll show myself out.

You hate freedom if you didn’t take this weekend and salute William Taft. Shame on you. Speaking of people with no shame, we have news of more sexual stupidity from Chelsea players, someone getting beat down by some 6’2″ karma and a mascot taking a voodoo style beating.

Cashley Takes The Wrong Lesson From Greg Oden

Ashley Cole may be the best left defender in England. Unfortunately his playing skills bear no relation to his intellect. He’s in trouble again after texting pictures of himself in various stages of clothing to another woman who isn’t his wife. He was recently busted for the same thing but explained it away as a joke saying a friend sent the pictures. It’ll be hard to use the same excuse now that another woman has stepped forward with naked pictures and multiple texts from him on her phone.

The unidentified woman received pictures similar to the ones received by the first woman in addition to over 300 text messages begging her not to share the texts with anyone else. Stay classy, Cashley. Let’s see if he has as much luck getting Cheryl back as John Terry did getting his Toni back. It’ll be hard for him to say that she’s not justified in Bridging her gap at this point.

Karma Is A 6 foot 4 inch bitch for Craig Bellamy

Manchester City striker claims to be a misunderstood individual. He may have invested over £450,000 of his own money into a soccer academy in Sierra Leone and pledged a further £850,000 but he still seems to find trouble. He’s fought with managers, fellow players and fans. Trouble finally found him outside a Cheshire nightclub.

Bellamy had his ass handed to him by a 6’4″ Manchester United supporter following a night on the town.

A Man United fan battered the Man City striker splitting his head open and sending him flying. The 6ft 2in attacker - built like a rugby player - continued pounding 5ft 9in Bellamy as he lay sprawled on the ground.

… An onlooker said: “The guy hit Bellamy five or six times. He [pummeled] him in the face.”

Bellamy declined to press charges but it’s unclear what started the beatdown. He was out with teammate Wayne Bridge but it isn’t alleged that he was involved in the fight.

Maybe Bellamy was jumped by a supporter of a rival club or maybe he started talking shit and paid the price. Does it matter? If he wants to be seen as a changed man and start being recognized for his good deeds, he needs to start avoiding situations like these on and off the pitch. That means not hitting subdued fans, taking gold clubs to teammate’s heads or threatening to fake injuries or leave a club when he doesn’t get his way.

John Terry Avoiding The Wrong Sexual Organs

John Terry may be in Dubai salvaging his marriage again but he still doesn’t have his priorities straight. He can’t say no to the vagina but he has no problem saying no to cancer awareness.

The mascot pictured above is a “campaigner for male cancer awareness”. Apparently all male cancers can be symbolized by a walking pair of balls named Mr. Testicles. Yes, that’s his name. Everton attempted to have Terry pose with Mr. Testicles as a show of solidarity before their match with Chelsea. He declined. One might be able to let him slide considering recent events in his life.

Ain’t that a kick in the dick? It’s easy to feel sorry for Mr. Testicles as it must be difficult to get people to pose with him even though he represents a good cause. A declined photo op still has to be better than getting nailed in the “face” with a soccer ball.

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Does Mr. Testicles feel phantom pain like the Crimson Twins every time someone catches it in the balls? These are the questions that consume the Deuce.