Hulkamania seeks to conquer the sex game

Wednesday, March 7th, 2012 at 6:43 pm  
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First, Chyna and Sean Waltman brought us the unforgettable (no matter how much we try) “One Night in Chyna,” and recently Chyna has returned to the sex-trade by signing a deal with Vivid. When your wife goes off with her 22-year-old lover with basically all your money, and you’re still wrestling on a subpar promotion that doesn’t draw squat, it’s time to get out the big guns.

Hit me with the big boot, and then the leg drop, TMZ.com:

A sex tape featuring legendary wrestler Hulk Hogan has surfaced — and TMZ has learned, it’s currently being shopped to a major porn studio.

We’ve seen a portion of the grainy footage — featuring Hulk getting undressed and a naked, unidentified brunette lying on a bed. The woman is NOT his ex-wife Linda or his current wife Jennifer McDaniel.

In the clip, Hulk pulls his shirt off and brags to his companion, “I started to work out again.” Hulk then runs his hands through his blonde hair like he always does.

The best part … Hulk’s thong-shaped tan line.

It’s unclear when the tape was shot — but Vivid honcho Steve Hirsch tells TMZ, he was approached with the tape very recently by a third party.

Yuck, what an image.

Update: The Hulkster is now “Hulking up” with his lawyer saying he was secretly filmed. His credibility has been questioned in the past however, such as when he told us that Sting had joined the nWo only to later learn that it was a Sting impostor. Rest assured that Steve Hirsch will open this week’s TNA Impact show flanked by Kurt Angle and declaring he would like to show the tape on national television, before Hogan charges (more like limps) to the ring, clears it out and then hits his ridiculous poses (listening to the crowd, most muscular).

Triple H Found an Even Less-Credible Way to Earn a Living

Tuesday, January 11th, 2011 at 9:30 am  
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Because he’s been so prolific lately, we allowed MMA expert Turd Ferguson drop some knowledge about his first true love: WWE.  At this point, we’re pretty sure it’s the only thing that keeps him off the streets:

As you may know by now, my contributions to this site are related to MMA, a sport that has grown faster than Eddie Murphy’s unrecognized children, or Chris Tucker’s girth (his belly, perverts). Therefore, fair reader: please bear in mind that I speak today in lamentation of the wrestling of yesteryear, and not the MTV garbage that we know today.

Men like the Legion of Doom, the Nasty Boys, the Ultimate Warrior, and Doink the Clown, have been replaced by wannabe models and actors who dance around the ring like a casting call for “The Bachelorette” (note to self: pick up headshots). These days, with guys like MTV’s Real World “The Miz” holding the strap, it’s almost enough to make me want to throw on a sandpaper jimmy hat and hump Snooki. But, that isn’t to say that legends don’t still engage in this sport. Take Triple H for example, a 13-time WWE Champion, which of course has nothing to do with his wife and her role with his employer. Regardless, Triple H has always been a decent wrestler (even after tearing his quadriceps) and seemed like a guy who could make a transition to making crappy movies just like “The Rock” and more recently, “Stone Cold” Steve Austin.

After swinging and missing with bigger budget features like “The Condemned” and “See No Evil,” WWE films dialed it back to straight-to-DVD offerings, with budgets that would rival only the wealthiest of porn companies but with acting that falls just below that lofty So-Cal standard.

Be forewarned, fellas, this isn’t exactly Citizen Kane, or even “See No Evil:”

“For Ray Bradstone, no job was too daunting, no job was too dangerous, but one final heist was left, steal back his daughter’s heart…”

At this point in the trailer, 17 seconds in, I downed an entire bottle of unlabeled prescription pills and chased it with a bottle of Drano.

Gouge out my eyeballs and slice off my ears Youtube:

(Editor’s note: By the time T.F. submitted this post, WWE reportedly deemed the trailer so miserable, they pulled it.)

Wow, that spitball that landed on Triple H’s “genetically enhanced” face looked promising at the end. While Triple H is hardly the least charismatic star to make it on screen, probably best to leave this one to the $.99 Wal-Mart bargain bin and late-night Netflix guilt viewings.

In H’s defense, it’s not like the bar has been set particularly high:

Reading Between the Headlines

Friday, April 2nd, 2010 at 2:53 pm  
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Sometimes I think sports are a lot like little kids; they always want attention, even if it makes them do something really stupid.  I know that consciously, professional football players would never purposefully sexually assault a young woman, throw a drink on her, or even carry a loaded gun to the airport.  But part of my subconscious wonders if they just can’t stand the fact that NCAA basketball and Major League Baseball are stealing all the attention so this is their way of getting it back.  Ok, I know that’s a stretch, but there has to be a reason to explain away this stupidity.  Oh wait, it’s called “Young Dummies with Money” syndrome or YDMS.  Did I just invent that?  Well, color me Bill freakin’ Simmons.  Now, a 20,000 word missive comparing the 2007 Patriots to some jackass on the Real World. 

Nah, we’ll just do headlines…  

Also known as “ESPN.”  How was this even a challenge for them?  Did they just pay some guy to create a NYC skyline graphic and put it up?  And at what point will we get ESPN Des Moines?  And will I ever write another sentence that isn’t a rhetorical question?

"If 'dis freakin' guy don't sign my bawl, I'm gonna chuck it at his groin over here." AKA, "ESPN New York target audience."

Now LT has something in common with Heath Shuler.  Not sure if that’s what he was looking for, though.  To borrow a phrase from Thomas Hobbes (is this a great sports blog, or what?), the life of a NFL running back is “nasty, brutish, and short.”  In 2008, LT carried the ball only 23 less times than in 2007 (his last great season) and had 364 fewer yards.  That’s a big drop-off.

 

I’m happy that everyone is ok, but sorry Mom, that’s what you get for naming your kid, “Denard.”  It always amazes me that more people haven’t gotten hurt at baseball games.  This sounds like a job for ESPN Des Moines.

  • ESPN had six of its basketball writers scrutinize the factors that may lead LeBron James to finding a new home this summer.

Hey, check me out!  I did the same thing!  Here’s my list of factors:

1. $

Let me double check the list, one more time, just to be sure:

1. $

 And I’mmmmmm spent.  ESPN, call me!

  • Cleveland Browns nose tackle Shaun Rogers was arrested for carrying a loaded .45-caliber hand gun at a Cleveland Airport.

 I don’t understand the big deal — maybe he was there to shoot birds.  Has anyone asked him that?

How do you convey “pompous” and “insane” into a statue?

And at a private school just outside of Houston, Roger Clemens applied to coach the women’s softball team.

And somewhere, VORPies gather to collectively mock the tsunami of enraged fans inhabiting the ESPN comment section   Hey guys, you’re getting angry at a math formula.  Isn’t that what 3rd graders do? 

Lindsay Lohan is not impressed.  She calls those “Tuesdays.”

Boom. Roasted.

In any case, baseball season is here.  I cannot wait.