His father is a drug dealer. His mother is a shoplifter. He’ll sleep with your woman. His brother will too except he’ll take it one step further and give it to her while you’re in the same house. It’s just another day for the Terry family.

Rushden and Diamonds keeper Dale Roberts hung himself months after his fiancée Lindsay Cowen left him for his former teammate, Paul Terry. Paul is the older brother of Chelsea and former England captain John Terry.

The affair took place earlier this year while Terry was staying with the couple.

Lindsey admitted the affair when a suspicious Dale confronted her at their home in Higham Ferrers, Northants. A source said: “Lindsey came out and told Dale what had been happening. He was horrified.

“Dale rang Paul and he denied everything but he’s admitted to other players that he’s been sleeping with her.”

Heartbroken Dale, 24, said yesterday: “It’s true, she told me she’d been seeing Paul.

“We’ve split up. I’m trying to get my head around it all, it’s only just happened. I’m a bit messed up.”

“It is bad enough she’s done it at all but the fact that it is with him, one of my team-mates, makes it that much harder to bear.”

Rushden and Diamonds was forced to release Terry after Roberts and the rest of the team refused to play with him.

Roberts fell into a deep depression and never recovered after Cowan left him. He was discovered in his house and word of his death spread quickly through the team. Rushden and Diamonds’ next two matches were called off and have yet to be rescheduled.

Cowan had the audacity to release a statement claiming that she was devastated over his death.

[She] described the 24 year-old as ”my childhood sweetheart and the love of my life”.

”We had been together since a young age and I will never get over his death.”

That should comfort Roberts’ parents and friends. If that’s how she treats the love of her life, I’d hate to see how she does her enemies. How about not fucking your finance’s friends and teammates?

Anything the Terry family touches is bound to be a disaster and I’m saying this as a long time Chelsea supporter. I’ll take John Terry in my back four but I’ll never turn my back on him or anyone else in his family. A friend of mine pointed out that he “causes more contagious misery than ebola”. She also noted that if you play Six Degrees of John Terry, you can link him to everything bad that happens in the world.

“John Terry works for Roman Abramovich…. who hangs out with Vladimir Putin…. who carpet bombed 200,000 Chechens to death. Oops looky there, only 3 degrees between JT and genocide.”

Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon is old and busted. Try it out. It’s scary how well the game works.

How about the softer side of Vladmir Putin? He can’t be killing all the time. Here he is chilling out with some friends and singing Blueberry Hill backed up by Maceo Parker. What? Exactly.

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Who’s the next England player to be busted cheating on his wife with prostitutes? Wayne Rooney, come on down! He may not be scoring on the pitch but he sure knows how to put it in when it comes to the hoes.

Rooney was busted for cheating on his wife Colleen with Jennifer Thompson, a £1,000-a-night prostitute, while she was pregnant with their son. He slept with Thompson on several occasions over four months.

You might remember Rooney from previous hooker episodes such as Over 50 Whores. He apologized to his wife back then but was forced to come clean this weekend.

Rooney now expects betrayed Coleen to throw him out of their £5million mansion in Cheshire and begin moves for an explosive divorce. He told a pal yesterday: “My life is in ruins…I’ve been so stupid. Coleen won’t forgive me this time. She will leave me.”

No one has ever accused the striker of being intelligent. They not only stayed in the same hotel every time they hooked up but he also took her out on dates to various Manchester bars and clubs.

Of course, Thompson had no problem selling her story to the Mirror. Some of the details were mundane and what you would expect. However there were some interesting tidbits. He sent her loads of text messages as one would expect. However he also talked to her on Skype under a false name. What? Here’s FourFourTwo’s James Maw’s reaction via Twitter:

If that’s not enough to make this suspect, Thompson is only 21. That’s way too young for Rooney. Then again, we could be wrong. He may take them 8 to 80, dumb, crippled and crazy.

Regardless, Rooney knows Colleen’s going to come around saying, “Wayne, I want half!” Endorsements? Ask Tiger Woods how those are going for him right now.

To be a fly on the wall during Alex Ferguson’s next face to face conversation with Rooney. He’ll pray for the hair dryer treatment.

Does this look like a man you can trust? If so, I have $20 million to give you. Just provide your banking account details and I will make you very rich. Confidentiality is a must.

Brazilian Carlos Simon has been assigned to referee the US-England match next Saturday on the opening weekend of the World Cup. No big deal except for the fact that he was suspended for six weeks last season for incompetence and corruption.

Carlos Eugenio Simon was suspended by his national federation for ‘a repetition of mistakes’ but far more serious accusations were levelled at him after he disallowed a perfectly good goal for Palmeiras against Fluminense.

Luiz Gonzaga Belluzzo, the president of Palmeiras, branded Simon a ‘crook, scoundrel and a bastard’, adding that he was ‘without shame’ and ‘in the drawer of someone’. He also said he had ‘made a service’ for Fluminense and said he would ‘slap him’ if he ‘met him on the street’.

…Another time, Simon failed to give a penalty for Brasiliense, a Division Two team, in the Copa do Brasil final against Corinthians in 2002. Even the Corinthians players said it was a penalty.

FIFA was aware of these and other incidents but still assigned Simon to work the World Cup. They must be taking a page from UEFA’s playbook.

Simon is definitely a referee to be watched during the tournament. Byron Moreno would like to know why everyone’s getting worked up about this.

It’s been a minute since we’ve thrown a soccer roundup at you so let’s get to it. Get your proper soccer news and analysis elsewhere. Here come the dirt and gossip.

Nobody Circles The Whores Like Ashley Cole

You have to hand it to Chelsea and England defender Ashley Cole. He may be as dumb as a sack of tar balls but he certainly knows how to get over a nasty breakup. Just do what got you in trouble in the first place.

Cole’s ex-wife, Cheryl filed for divorce after repeated incidents of cheating by the star. That wasn’t going to keep him down. If he can’t have Cheryl, he’ll take the next best thing. A stripper who looks like Cheryl. Check and mate, woman.

“[Sarah Purnell] hasn’t got a bad word to say about him and has defended him when people have tried to have a go about Cheryl or the end of his marriage.

…Ashley has not done anything sleazy at all and has been extremely charming with her. He seems to really care for Sarah.

“He even told her she looks the spitting image of Cheryl but she’s getting used to that.”

Oh you stupid, stupid woman. Have fun with that and stay classy, Cashley. Every woman wants to hear that she looks exactly like an ex.

Adidas Strikes Back

Most people, even those who don’t follow sports religiously like we do, have seen the Nike “Write The Future” ad starring Nike’s impressive roster of soccer stars. Adidas came back with their version of the cantina scene from Star Wars. It may not have as many big soccer names as Nike’s ad but they make up for it with a strong lineup of musical heavyweights. See how many you can pick out, my nizzles.

Buffoona Buffoona Has Room For Benni McCarthy

Ashley Cole’s woman problems certainly haven’t hurt his form or place on the England squad in South Africa. Too bad the same can’t be said for West Ham and former South Africa striker Benni McCarthy.

McCarthy was cut from the South African national team (also known as Bafana Bafana) because he was overweight and physically out of shape. However, that wasn’t the only problem. It turns out he was also “entertaining girls” during training camp. Manager Carlos Parreira found out and bounced him and keeper Rowan Fernandez from the squad. The upside is McCarthy will now have plenty of time to entertain the ladies and have them stuff his face with bunny chow.** Winner winner bunny dinner.

**Bunny chow isn’t made from bunnies although we suspect that P.W. Botha and F.W. de Klerk demanded baby rabbits in their chow.

Let’s Take Another Opportunity To Laugh At Dimitar Berbatov