If there’s one thing Gilbert Gottfried can do besides kill on Bob Saget’s roast, it’s play a crooked record company executive. It’s not a stretch to think that he could play a boxing promoter or manager. HBO should have called him, MC Serch, Prime Minister Pete Nice and Don Newkirk out of retirement to help them make their latest boxing announcement.

HBO is officially out of the heavyweight boxing business due to the lack of competition.

Ross Greenburg, HBO sports president said on Wednesday that it was down to the paucity of credible American heavyweights.

“’We’re out of the heavyweight division. There isn’t any interest in the US and no one besides Haye to challenge the Klitschkos.”

Greenburg is stating what most boxing fans have been saying for years. The heavyweight division has been in decline since the fall of Mike Tyson. Evander Holyfield was a warrior but not on the same level as Tyson in his prime. He’s still fighting even though he’s a shell of his former self. He’s a joke at this point.

Lennox Lewis, in the words of Clubber Lang, was a “paper champion”. He fought a broken Tyson and cowardly retired so he wouldn’t have to accept a rematch against Vitaly Klitschko who was beating his ass before the fight was stopped due to a vicious cut over the Ukranian’s eye.

The best fights these days are in the lower divisions where younger and hungrier fighters thrive. No one is interested in watching a tomato can like John Ruiz fight another overweight chump for some random belt. The Klitschko brothers are a huge draw in Europe but most Americans aren’t interested in them.

One can find numerous reasons for the heavyweight division’s current predicament. The move from free to pay-per-view TV and Don King are a good start.

Promoter Bob Arum says it is about the characters. “If the heavyweight champion of the world was LeBron James or Michael Jordan, heavyweight boxing would be flying high,” he told Telegraph Sport.

Historian Bert Sugar concurs. “The problem is they can earn ten times the money and these days the big guys are scared of being hit,” added Sugar.

Sugar and other boxing experts claim Haye could make it in the US but he would have to beat the Klitschkos then fight over here. There seems to be little chance of that happening. He talks plenty of shit but continues to run from both brothers. Would he be able to save the division even if he came to the US after beating a Klitschko? Who would he fight? No one’s interested in any American heavyweight currently out there. It won’t be long until Butterbean and Oliver McCall get another shot at legitimacy.

HBO should just stick with the lower divisions until another maladjusted kid comes around to send opponents to Bolivian then eat their children like Tyson. Until then, heavyweights can take a seat next to MC Hammer and PW Botha.

Ah the hell with it. Here you go. Enjoy.

Give it up for off-brand San Francisco. While most of the country moves forward, Oakland keeps it Chicago Irish. North Side Irish and South Side Irish have separate St. Patrick’s Day parades because they can’t get along. Oakland Police are banned from officially sanctioned boxing matches because they fight with other law enforcement agencies as well as everyone else.

International Association of Boxing president Steve Fosum banned Oakland police officers from IAB sanctioned fights after they got into it with spectators watching a fight.

The fracas began after an Oakland police boxer named Casey Johnson beat Larry “Psycho” Ward, a state corrections officer in the final fight of the night. Witnesses said that dozens of Oakland officers had shown up to support Johnson and were taunting Ward during the fight.

After the fight, Ward went to his corner, and according to fight promoter Tom Gaffney, that’s when three Oakland officers stood up and began yelling at Ward. Other spectators stood up and confronted the three officers, and the situation quickly escalated.

No punches were thrown but a chair was tossed and shoving ensued. The Oakland Police need to take lessons from Long Island and New Jersey douchebags. Witnesses should count themselves lucky. Officers from the same department got in trouble three weeks prior to the incident. They shot and killed a baby deer. Before you get upset, keep one thing in mind. Ducks are assholes.

Your old school of the hour: Juicy Gotcha Crazy by Oaktown 3.5.7.

Bob Arum knows how to give the people what they want. Floyd Mayweather Jr. vs. Manny Pacquiao could have been the fight that revived boxing. Instead fans will get Pacquiao vs. plaster cheat Antonio Margarito followed by the possible retirement of the world’s best pound for pound boxer. Well done, Bob.

When Arum’s not taking part in ruining massive pay days, he’s battling bond lawyers and bar mitzvahs. Miguel Cotto is scheduled to take on WBA champion Yuri Foreman on June 12 at Madison Square Garden. The two parties are attempting to move the fight to June 5 and hold it at Yankee Stadium. One problem. The stadium is reserved for a bar mitzvah on the same day.

[Jonathan] Ballan, the lead bond lawyer for the financing of Yankee Stadium, reserved the stadium for his son’s bar mitzvah on Saturday, June 5. In addition to providing lounges, the Yankees promised to give the Ballan party access to the stadium’s giant scoreboard in center field for 30 minutes.

The Yankees are handling the negotiations with Ballan to find a solution to the scheduling conflict. Arum is offering seats for bar mitzvah attendees, a chance to meet Brooklyn native Foreman and autographed Yankee baseballs. The balls will probably be signed by Chuck Knoblauch or Hideki Irabu.

If the Yankees and Ballan can reach an agreement, the fight should be a massive local draw. It would be a battle to determine the greatest country/territory in New York City. Israel or Puerto Rico.  Jews vs. blacks in Crown Heights is old and busted. Who ya got?

Foreman’s publicist, Dovid Efune, said, “This may be the greatest Jewish sporting event since David versus Goliath.”

The fight would also be the greatest Puerto Rican sporting event since the Puerto Rican Day parade. It would have to be held after 11:30 to allow Orthodox Puerto Ricans … sorry, Jews to get to the fight following the Sabbath.

If negotiations aren’t successful, expect Arum to blame the Jews.

So…How’s Your Girl by Handsome Boy Modeling School was rather tight. Holy Calamity was only one of the hits that will never die from their first album. You know what else won’t die? Evander Holyfield’s boxing career. He refuses to call it a day. When he’s not in the ring turning his brain into oatmeal, he likes to stay in shape by beating on his wife.

Candi Holyfield applied for a protective order against Evander after he allegedly abused her in front of their two children. The circumstances surrounding the incident are a bit…um, well, judge for yourself.

Candi Holyfield accuses her husband of hitting her in the face, the back of her head, and on her back during the middle of the night, according to the petition for temporary protective order.

“He got up and turned the light on and started looking at my face and told me he was sorry, that he knew he shouldn’t have done that,” Candi Holyfield stated in the petition.

The incident allegedly began because the heat was cut off in the couple’s home, and Candi Holyfield attempted to discuss it with her husband.

“He told me that I was only thinking about myself,” Candi Holyfield stated. “He started telling me that I needed to start putting God first in my life.”

Candi and the kids need to stop being so selfish when it comes to maintaining proper body temperature. ConEd, Pepco and those other utilities don’t provide the heat that God does. This is the last month I pay my utility bill.

One has to ask why the heat is being turned off in Holyfield’s house. In his defense, he has more children than a Sudanese refugee camp. The child support payments must be more than Albania’s legal GNP.

Who would have thought that Mike Tyson would end up with a better reputation after all these years? He’s in box office hits, the Golden Globes and Dancing With The Stars while his old nemesis turns into Rocky V with a domestic abuse problem.

Anything Marvin Hagler can do, Mike Tyson can do better. If Marvin Hagler can become an Italian icon, you know damn well Iron Mike can the same. First step towards Italian domination: Dancing with the Stars.

Next step: Prime Minister. Silvio Berlusconi has been prime minister multiple times in a country where every has a turn. The office has changed hands over 40 times since Mussolini. If someone like that clown can lead the country, there’s no reason why Tyson can’t have a go. “Iron” symbolizes law and order. Forza Iron Mike!