To paraphrase the illustrious Tony Kornheiser, sometimes you stare at a blank computer screen, hoping for inspiration to write something, and lo and behold, God provides: Read the rest of this entry

Who can forget Gus Frerotte’s finest moment in the NFL? Scoring a touchdown only to put himself out of the game by headbutting a concrete wall while celebrating. The resulting ridicule was more than one man should bear. He had to ride it out alone unlike Brett Favre who has the never-ending love and support of ESPN. He can finally relax and put this infamous incident behind him thanks to Brian Roberts. Now he can go back to shoeing goats, doing public access TV with Gino Toretta and Robin Byrd or whatever it is that he does now.

Roberts sat out the last six games of the regular season (like there’s any other season for the Orioles) due to a concussion … that he got by hitting himself in the head with a bat.

“I don’t know 100 percent sure, but it was Monday night. In frustration [after a strikeout], I whacked myself on the head with my bat in the ninth. I had my helmet on,” Roberts said. “It’s something I’ve done a million times, but I still can’t tell you for sure if that was it. But that’s the only thing that I can point to because that night and the next morning, I just didn’t feel good. So it’s been going on since then.”

Roberts’ symptoms include lightheadedness, pain, lack of balance and sensitivity to light. He underwent further testing to see whether something else could be causing them. If another cause is found, he can be assured that it won’t be Suck which affects “athletes” like Jake Delhomme and whoever plays quarterback for the Carolina Panthers.

We attempted to speak to Eric Lindros about Roberts’ situation but he was passed out in an ice rink when he went to meet him.

The zamboni driver told us that he gave himself a concussion trying to put on a hockey helmet. “I just drive around him now. He’s a fixture. I find him on the ice, in the parking lot, in the bathroom. It’s stranger for me to see him standing up. Yesterday I found him in his car. Apparently the seat belt got him.”

It’s unclear whether the concussion is affecting Roberts’ speech or whether he’s been taking interviewing lessons from Ray Lewis. “It’s been one for the memory banks, but not for the best memory bank, I guess…”

I haven’t taken any pleasure from being an Orioles fan since 1997 when my heart was ripped out by a failed abortion named Jeffrey Meier. Since then, I’ve watched Tampa Bay and other expansion teams make and win the World Series. Camden Yards has been taken over by Yankees and Red Sox fans. The city allowed a hideous Soviet housing block-style Hilton hotel to be built that blocks the skyline view from the seats. Now fans can’t look away in disgust. Peter Angelos effectively choked out any interest I had in following baseball until the hiring of Buck Showalter.

Hire Showalter for two to three seasons. Fire him then win the World Series the next year. Genius. The team is already playing better. They’re playing so well (for the Orioles) that Felix Pie is putting out a rap album.

The transformation of Pie as a person is visible mostly in the Orioles clubhouse, when the player who walked around much of last year with a dour — and, at times, angry — expression on his face is laughing, joking and even dancing. Pie has a rap album coming out this month called “18 Cents,” a reference to his uniform number. He recently gave fans a sneak peak during a scoreboard segment filmed with pitcher Jeremy Guthrie that included the pair engaging in salsa dancing.

I’ve been searching for video of the scoreboard segment but no luck so far. His first video better have cameos from Earl Weaver, Walter Young (for T&A purposes) and Lenn Sakata. You can be sure there will be a review of the album on the Deuce as soon as we get our hands on it.

Glenn Davis! Glenn Davis gets the gas face!!

Padilla probably assumed this position after being shot.

It’s baseball season again. I’ll pass on Orioles Magic. Just give me some good pitching. Feeling it happen is like taking a deep breath before walking into an overflowing outhouse. You can only hold your breath for so long before having to take in the funk. It’s definitely in the air around you. Hope doesn’t spring eternal with the opening of Orioles training camp. Only a week or two passes before reality sets in while watching the pitchers. It’s cool. I’ve been doing this for 12 years but I always come back like John Terry’s wife.

At least we can fall back on the non-story of players coming clean or covering their asses regarding their knowledge of PED-dealing doctors. Dodgers pitcher Vincente Padilla didn’t want to feel left out but no one’s going to believe he’s on the juice so he came clean about something else.

Padilla was shot in November while home in Nicaragua. A friend was cleaning his gun on a shooting range and accidentally shot him. (Lesson #1: Never trust weapons sent to you by Ollie North.) At the time, it was claimed that he was only “grazed” by the bullet. Um not exactly true.

Pointing to a spot high on his right thigh, Padilla said, “It went in here.” Touching the back of his leg, he continued, “And it went out the other side.”

“I was bleeding a lot,” Padilla said.

Padilla said he lost 1.5 liters of blood while his friend drove him to the hospital. He said he felt dizzy when he got there.

“We were far from the hospital,” he said.

Plaxico bumaye!! Padilla may not have shot himself but way to cover it up. Burress ended up in jail while he ended up with a one-year deal worth $5.025M. What’s the other lesson here? If you’re gonna catch a bullet, do it offshore like reinsurance. It pays.