And You Thought Your Girlfriend's Gift Sucked

Talk to former St. George rugby player Meli Allen. He ended up in court pleading guilty to a charge of assault occasioning actual bodily harm (as opposed to theoretical).

Imagine you just lost your job. You're depressed so you go home to your girlfriend who buys you a present to make you feel better. Tickets to Vegas? Nah. Tickets to a football game? Nope. A purple cashmere sweater? Holla.

Allen admitted punching Ryan Phillpot, 19, once on the nose on November 25, 2006 in Bridge Street, Sydney.

In sentencing Allen in the Downing Centre Local Court today, Magistrate Julie Huber was told the victim's friends had yelled "You poof, you fucking fag," at Allen after seeing him in the jumper.

Allen approached the men, asking, "What's your problem?".

When they repeated their jibes, he threw a punch at Mr Phillpot.

In a move guaranteed to create harmony at home, Allen's lawyer claimed that he "reluctantly wore the sweater so as not to offend her".

Talk about going from bad to worse. No job. A pissed off, embarrassed girlfriend. Criminal charges. Who knew sweaters could cause so much trouble? Maybe it's not Cosby's fault he fed roofies to girls. Stupid sweater.

The situation probably makes Allen wish he lived in the township of Hinton. Isolated by floodwaters but supplied by beer.

SES Spokesman Phil Campbell says they are being re-supplied, and today there was a special beer run.

"When we had some room in the boat we could take a few kegs of beer across to the Hinton pub, because of course State of Origin is on tonight, and it's important that we let communities function as normally as possible."

Maybe he can paddle his way up the riveridoo and get away until the lady calms down...or buys him a sequin-covered ruffle shirt and indirectly causes a blood bath.

Punks Jump Up To Get Beat Down, Part Deux

It's never a good idea to go for the balls during a sporting event where hitting is encouraged and required.


Gold Coast center Brett Delaney found out the hard way after grabbing South Sidney's Jaiman Lowe's balls during a match last week. If you're gonna pull a move like that, you better make sure you keep a man down. If you don't, this could happen to you.



Of course, Delaney denied the ball massage.

"No way," he said. In a tackle you don't let go of someone when you grab them. I can't remember if I did have him [by the testicles], but it wasn't intentional."

"It might have been in that region, but I don't go out to try and rip blokes' balls off. I just can't really remember what happened, to be honest. I think I had him on the shorts, and then I got knocked out. It's all a bit of a blur."

"When I touched his balls, I was in ecstasy so you can imagine it's very hard to stay focused or know what you're doing."

Ok, maybe he didn't say that last part. The blur was from getting his arse handed to him in a sack by Lowe. Delaney said he was still suffering from headaches and the sweats. He also required 10 stitches to close a "gaping wound" above his lip. Good.

"It was one of those things. He probably thought something went on, but it was nothing intentional, I'll tell you that - especially at that time of the game. We were under the pump a bit. It was just a normal tackle, mate."

Ain't nuthin' normal about that tackle. Delaney was on that pump like a farmer on a milk cow. He's lucky he didn't get stomped but some men have honor unlike him and Bill Romanowski.

Ken Griffey's Disease Strikes Rugby Star

Ken Griffey Disease is what we have. It's not who we are.

That's right. They may be overpaid and underworked but victims of Ken Griffey's Disease are just like you and me...if we had houses with stripper poles, cars with 22s, a ho in every city and a multimillion dollar bank account.

The most recent victim is South Sydney captain David Kidwell who took a dive at a barbie and twisted his leg in order to avoid crushing his two-year old daughter. He ruptured his cruciate and medial ligaments and is out for the season.

"I don't blame her in any way. It's just a freak accident. I look forward to telling the story at her 21st (birthday), how she took her old man out."

Kidwell had no comment on rumors that he was going to feed his daughter to a bunch of Tasmanian Devils or make her work off his missed salary for the season in the salt mines of Tasmania.

Team owner Russell Crowe, who was at the cookout, was rumored to have shown a thumbs down and released his pack of dingos on Kidwell who was rolling around in agony.

New Zealand national rugby coach Brian McClennan was good enough to keep things in perspective.

"And there's a note going out to all players as we speak: that there's no to be no more barbecues from now on."

Fellow Griffey's Disease sufferer Brian Griese offered his support and words of advice.

"I remember when I took a dive in Terrell Davis' driveway and fell over a dog. People said I was shitfaced and drank enough to down a wildebeest. Instead of saying I was a Griffey's Disease sufferer, I hid my shame and said I wasn't drunk. I wish I had the courage to come out and admit that it didn't determine who I was. My dad did. Kiddy can get over this and has to come out and learn Australia."

Godspeed Kiddy godspeed.

Let The Muthaf**ka Burn

Fuck your couch, convict.

Luc Longley must have thought Bill Wennington was going to accept an Aussie cutting into his playing time. Nah playboy, Americans don't roll like that. Bill waited years to get his revenge like Mason Storm and it looks like he finally got it.

Luc Longley's house in Perth, Australia was destroyed in a fire last night. His family was in the house but Luc managed to get everyone out. No babies were eaten by dingos.

Other suspects include Paul Hogan, Yahoo Serious, the Energizer guy and the lead singer from Midnight Oil. Our money's on Bill.

Blood On The Dance Floor

There are some like the Japanese and eastern Europeans who still take Michael Jackson seriously. Then there are those who take him literally like Australian rugby players.

Penrith Panthers star Craig Gower made national news in Australia after getting into a fight at a club earlier this month. At first glance, this doesn't seem newsworthy. After all, it is Australia and that's what they do when they aren't wrestling crocodiles or oppressing Aborigines.

The man punched Gower when he tried to kiss him and bit his neck after cutting in between the man and a woman on the dance floor.

The club was called the Peppermint Lounge so it's not clear why this guy was surprised when Gower made his play for the try. A witness said Gower was "really drunk and all over the place, making a dickhead of himself".

The fight was the second altercation of the evening for Gower and his friends who were allowed to stay at the club after being warned for throwing punches.

This is the first time we've heard of Gower and we're so sorry about that.

Gower...was expected to regain the club captaincy he lost last year after a wild drinking binge at a charity golf tournament on the Sunshine Coast [where] he was accused of groping the daughter of league legend Wayne Pearce.

It gets better. Gower used the charity event as part of his bachelor party. During the same weekend, he "held a butter knife to the throat of a Sydney radio personality, damaged a golf cart and walked naked around the Twin Waters Resort".

In 2000, he was kicked off the national team for exposing himself to a tourist. Your move, Pacman.

We don't know anything about the National Rugby League but if NRL players are anything like Gower, we need to start watching Australian rugby religiously.

In case you were wondering, Gower was made co-captain of the Panthers on Thursday after showing "leadership qualities" and "personal fortitude". Aussie Aussie Aussie! Oy Oy Oy!