Years before he received the big boot and a leg drop by his ex-wife’s divorce attorney in court, Hulk Hogan was a mighty athlete that even graced the cover of Sports Illustrated.

But, on the heels of news that Hulk Hogan and Chyna can both be seen having sex on camera, we can rejoice now in learning that finally, a Hulk Hogan tape is being released in DVD format that we not only want to see, but that we may actually pleasure ourselves watching, too.

(record scratch)

I mean take pleasure in watching!

(laughs nervously, kicks bottle of lotion under desk)

That’s right folks, after years of ignoring my letters threatening suicide, Vince McMahon has taken time out from his busy schedule of forcing John Cena down our throats in order to do the greatest thing he has ever done (Wrestlemania 28 is this weekend).

’80s classic movie No Holds Barred will be coming out on DVD on July 3rd for the first time. Ever.

If you don’t remember the “dookie scene” please take this quick refresher.

Feel better? Okay, I’ll let wikipedia take it from here (SPOILER ALERT):

Hulk Hogan plays Rip, a very popular professional wrestler. Although Rip looks and acts like a brute, he is actually a golden-hearted guy. He has a younger brother, Randy (Mark Pellegrino), whose presence in the audience motivates him enough to win his matches.
Rip appears on a television channel which screens all his matches. Thanks to Rip, the channel is highly popular. However, the evil, money-hungry chairman of a rival channel, Brell (Kurt Fuller), wants to convince Rip to join their network. Rip respectfully declines, though Brell has his gang of thugs attempt to beat Rip into submission during the limo ride home from the meeting.
After visiting the No Count Bar, a rowdy establishment featuring a wrestling ring in the center and patronized by drunken, vicious fighters, Brell is inspired to create a new kind of wrestling program, focusing more on violence and sensationalism than Rip’s more moralistic version of the sport. Brell’s new program, Battle of the Tough Guys, is successful after the introduction of Zeus (Tom Lister, Jr.), a violent, seemingly unfazable ex-con who sports a “Z”-shaped patch of hair on his skull. Zeus killed an opponent in the ring after the fight was over, and has been in prison until recently.
Samantha, a beautiful corporate spy (Joan Severance), is sent by Brell to seduce Rip. However, Rip’s good nature and dedication to charity wins her over, and she confesses the truth to the wrestler and turns to his side. After this fails, Brell attempts to have Samantha raped; as usual, Rip foils the plot and dispatches the would-be rapist into a tree trunk. Meanwhile, Brell and Zeus crash an outdoor charity event Rip is appearing at, demanding that Rip prove his honor by fighting Zeus live on Brell’s new show. Once again, Rip avoids violent conflict and attempts to reason with Brell, who leaves in anger.
Randy and a friend decide to check out Zeus for themselves, attending an illegal fight being held in a warehouse. After watching Zeus defeat the monstrous Lugwrench Perkins (Jeep Swenson), Randy foolishly identifies himself as Rip’s brother to Brell and his associates. Randy attempts to defend himself, but Zeus brutally beats him, sending him to the hospital. Finally, after this ultimate insult, a tearful Rip decides to accept Zeus’ challenge.
Before the match, Brell abducts Rip’s friends and threatens to kill them if Rip doesn’t lose deliberately. With the odds against him, Rip wins the match after Zeus falls from a perch into the wrestling ring, collapsing it. Rip turns his attentions to Brell, who accidentally falls into an electrical panel to his demise. With his friends rescued and his brother recovering in the hospital, Rip celebrates his victory.

I sure as heck didn’t realize that the MLB season started yesterday, did you?  Well it did…for two teams at least. To my surprise, yesterday, when I was clicking around the interwebs, I saw a box score showing that Seattle beat Oakland, 3-1, and now is the only team in baseball with a win because that game was a regular season game. Like a full on regular season win. In March.

What?

Oh, see, Bud Selig, in all his genius,  thought that this year would be the fourth time in history that the Major League Baseball season should open up in Japan. They call the series the “Season Opener” (not exactly the same ring as Opening Day but who am I to complain, huh?) and the first game wasn’t even nationally televised, unless you count MLB’s own cable network MLBN if you happened to be lucky enough to have it and to be able to skip work and tune in at 9am on Wednesday. To be honest, i’m not even sure if they advertised this game anywhere because I sure as heck didn’t see anything for it.

I mean, I am all for spreading the game of baseball around the world and yes, the Mariners are owned by a Japanese company (Nintendo) but c’mon, shouldn’t the first game of the 2012 season have a little bit of fanfare  and especially be in its country of origin? ESPN’s own website still has a countdown to MLB’s Opening Day for crying out loud.  How can we have Opening Day now that the season is already WIDE FRIGGIN OPEN? No other American sport starts its season out this way and I would venture to say there is a BIG reason for that…because it is stupid.

Oh and what else makes little sense about this series? The games are considered home games for Oakland, aka “The team not owned by a Japanese corporation“, aka “The team  no one in the crowd is rooting for because they are not owned by a Japanese corporation and are without a national hero in Ichiro that the entire crowd loves and reveres“,  meaning they lose two home games in Oakland this season.

Yeah that is fair, huh? Couldn’t make this imaginary home series for Oakland an imaginary home and away series for both teams? Just to even things out a little? Just a little?  No, no of course not, that would make WAY too much sense.

Then again, I don’t often expect MLB to make much sense anymore…I mean home field advantage is still tied to a stupid All-Star game.  Ugh.  Now, there is a whole other rant…

Winning a Super Bowl can allow a NFL head coach a little bit of candor in his public statements.  Winning two super bowls allows a coach a ton.

New York Giants head coach Tom Coughlin took full advantage of that yesterday when he couldn’t resist taking a jab at the “cross-town” rival New York Jets and their recent player acquisitions (ie: Tebowmania in NYC). Here’s what Coughlin had to say about the Jets recent acquisitions:

“You know who won the Super Bowl, you know who the world champions are,” he said. “Whether we’re on the front page every day or not, it’s not that important. New Yorkers know.”

Ouch, little bit of a burn there or what? The best part about that statement is that it pretty much rings true. The Giants go about their business, generally not making too many crazy headlines (minus Brandon Jacobs i guess) and they just go and win two Super Bowls in five years. The loudest Giants in the media are ex-Giants Tiki Barber and Michael Strahan.

Meanwhile, over in Jets country, you’ve got Rex Ryan flapping his gums every other week, talking about winning Super Bowls like he is a fat and sober Joe Namith, showcasing the entire team on HBO’s Hard Knocks, making free agent signing splashes that, all combined together…gets them essentially nowhere. Nowhere, that is, if you consider your season to be a bust if a Super Bowl ring was not won.

Anyway, it is nice to see Coughlin finally give up a little of the “hard ass” persona in his interviews with the media. Generally this is a guy who can make Bill Belichick look like charming. Maybe he’s finally getting soft in his golden years?

If so, I am loving it.

Its the spring time people! That wonderful time of year that, if you live in a densely populated area like myself, you can drink outside all weekend and stare at women in sundresses. Now, if you really want to impress those women while you are on the way to grab a tasty beverage, check out these brand new MINDBLOWING (see above) ways to get around on a skateboard. People be designing some crazy ‘ish over the winter.

1. Mind Controlled Skate Boards

This board is called the Board of Imagination and its by Chaotic Moon Labs (remember that name) and it is a skateboard that you literally control with just your thoughts. From a recent CNET article:

The obviously named Board of Imagination integrates a neuroheadset from a company called Emotiv, with a Samsung tablet running Windows 8, which is in turn connected to the skateboard’s motor. The headset translates thought into electrical circuitry that’s routed through the tablet, into the motor, and powers the board. Simply put, you think-it goes.

How sick is that? I hope you clicked through to see the video because i don’t feel like embedding it and robbing them of their hits.

Sure, its true, you can’t run out and buy one now, but when this technology actually comes to mass production can you imagine the new level of laziness it’l create? I mean this is lazier than the Segway and NOTHING is lazier to use than a Segway (ok, well maybe a Rascal). This could create a whole generation of atrophied kids who don’t ever have to physically exert themselves to get anywhere ever again!  Just stand, think, go!

Screw the hoverboard from Back to the Future II, I must have one of these when they come out!

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To paraphrase the illustrious Tony Kornheiser, sometimes you stare at a blank computer screen, hoping for inspiration to write something, and lo and behold, God provides: Read the rest of this entry