“Why did I sign with the Nationals?” Tavárez said on Sunday. “When you go to a club at 4 in the morning, and you’re just waiting, waiting, a 600-pounder looks like J-Lo. And to me this is Jennifer Lopez right here. It’s 4 in the morning. Too much to drink. So, Nationals: Jennifer Lopez to me.”
Balester’s Decent Outing Brings No Guarantees [Washington Post]
“White power, white power!”Somehow I don’t think Billy Ocean meant for people to take him literally when he said, “When the going gets tough, the tough get going.” If that were the case with “Get Out of My Dreams, Get Into My Car”**, Chester the Child Molester would be using that song as his script when cruising in his cargo van at 2:30 PM Monday through Friday.
Petrino took to the podium during SEC media days and gave excuses so good that Nick Saban might have shed a tear if he had anything but coal and greed in his heart. When asked about his new job as Razorback head coach and his departure from the Falcons, the b.s. started to flow like the runs.
“Yeah [the Falcons situation] was [the most difficult time he endured as a coach],” he said. “It was a trying situation. But everybody there worked as hard as they could to do the best job they could. … The whole situation, the timing was bad, no question. With the Falcons, and with Arkansas, it was really the only way it could play out.”
Three games left in the season. Oh I don’t know. Maybe he could have finished the season then resigned to pull a Rodney Dangerfield. Maybe he could have addressed his team and the organization face to face instead of sneaking out like a Mayflower truck (not that I’m still bitter about the Colts or anything). Maybe he could have been straight up with owner Arthur Blank instead of lying to his face.
In Atlanta, Petrino found himself handcuffed by the dog-fighting controversy that surrounded quarterback Michael Vick. He said one the primary attractions of joining the Falcons was the opportunity [to] coach Vick. After Vick was suspended by the league and eventually sentenced to federal prison, Petrino said much of the attraction was gone. “They had a quarterback at that time that I thought could be real special, so that played a lot into it,” he said. “But, you know, it was a difficult season. You always try to look back and really try to reflect on what I could have done better here and what we could have done better.”
Billy Ocean says Petrino is very bad man. At least that’s what I think he would say. I imagine he sounds like Jar Jar Binks or Screwface when he talks unless he fakes it like Lennox Lewis.
Arkansas must be pleased to know that when things get hard, Coach Bobby will have one foot out the door. I can understand wanting to run away from the worst QB in NFL history but the city and rest of the team had no choice. Do players and fans need to worry about his commitment if they hit a rough patch or lose some of their top players to injury, arrest or ineligibility?
I can’t wait until his press conference in the fall of 2009 when he takes the Valley High job. “I love high school football. I was asked earlier what it is I like about high school football. And really the answer is everything.”
** You can’t tell me that “Get Out of My Dreams, Get Into My Car” isn’t a stalker anthem. Listen to the lyrics and don’t be distracted by the awesome animation and choreography. Every Breath You Take and Invisible could also be included on a compilation album. “Is that Stalker Rock? Well turn it up!”
Did I just admit I know a Clay Aiken song? Shit, it must be the Malibu talking. Wait, I swear someone just told me as I was writing this. I thought it was Nick Lachey. That’s better? Right? Please tell me I’m not a douchebag … Hello?
Hey Fabricio, don’t tell ‘em you’re Argentinian? Oh you are? Get out of my hotel.
The San Antonio Spurs are going to the Western Conference Finals for the umpteenth time and they still can’t get any love. They were forced to sleep on their plane after winning their Game 7 against the Hornets due to mechanical problems and a lack of hotel rooms in New Orleans. It’s a shame to think the hotel industry showed more defense and outside perimeter hustle than the Hornets.
It’s a good thing the Spurs found a place to sleep. If this happens late in their series against the Lakers or in the Finals should they get there, they may end up ass out. Their airline, Champion Air is going out of business. They better hope they don’t get Detroit in the finals. You ever try sleeping outside in Detroit? I’ve seen Robocop. I want no part of that.
Then again Boston wouldn’t be much better. A bunch of guys named Sully would probably mess with them every night in the park. “Hey why is theah ah so many blackies in the pahk?”
Just imagine you’ve signed a deal to play for Manchester United but inside you know that you’re no good and don’t even deserve to play in the top division let alone at Man U. What would you do? Play it cool and just hang on as long as possible while banking the millions you don’t deserve? Not if you’re Eric Djemba-Djemba.
Former Man U “player” Djemba-Djemba declared bankruptcy last year but that wasn’t the half of it. His agent has revealed that while Djemba-Djemba was earning £75,000 a month at Man U, he was relying on appearance and bonus monies to get by.
[Agent Christopher] Mongay said: “Eric is on a different planet. He simply has no notion of money. At one point, he had 30 different bank accounts. He was juggling between credits.“There was a time when he owned 10 4×4-drive cars — 10! I kept telling him all the time to watch out. When he arrived at Manchester United, I decided to take over the running of his accounts. It used to take me four hours a day! At United he was earning about £75,000 basic per month. But every penny was going straight to loan repayments. He was having to live on bonuses and extras. He started to ask United for advances and, at a club like that, something like that doesn’t go down well.”
I mean, eight 4×4′s would seem appropriate but 10? After failing miserably at United, he moved on to Aston Villa where he also failed miserably. In his bankruptcy hearing, it was claimed that he even owed money to the Aston Villa club shop. Hey Djemba, don’t tell ‘em you’re Jewish!
Now Djemba-Djemba’s earning a measly £15,000 a month playing in Qatar. Let this story be a lesson to you profligate athletes out there. Even if you blow your load on multiple homes and posses like MC Hammer, you can still make it so go ahead and spend spend spend.
We’ll leave you with a quote from Djemba-Djemba’s coach at Nantes talking about something he said that would come back to haunt him. “‘I don’t understand this. In France, I see money coming out of the walls’. He was talking about cash machines.”
CoorsMiller Lite commercials from the 1980s were some of the most inspired pieces of advertising for the decade. They always features a bunch of athletes, celebrities including the likes of Rodney Dangerfield and usually Bob Uecker all telling a story about the beer tasting great and being less filling. Here’s the best of the best:
#1 “The Case of The Missing Case”
#2 “The Great Lite Beer Shoot-Out”
#3 “Whitey Ford”
#4 & #5 “LC’s Apology Letter & Bert Jones Rebuttal”
#6 Haley’s Comet
