This is art

I was on vacation last week so this is a week old but I still have to talk about it. Carnegie Mellon University has an art exhibition going on that might just blind those people that aren’t a part of the Steelers Nation. Not because of all the black and gold that will be present, but because people might actually be gauging their own eyeballs out. Its entitled “‘Whatever It Takes: Steelers Fan Collections, Rituals, and Obsessions” and is a Steelers fan’s wet dream but probably an art buff’s worst nightmare.

How does the gallery justify an exhibition of this sort?  This is how:

…the exhibition, a first of its kind, looks at the ingenious methods Steelers fans use to construct their own personal and social identities in relation to the team.

“Steelers culture is Pittsburgh’s popular culture, and the fans are its primary creative force,” Rubin said.

The first of its kind? Might be the last of its kind. Here’s a brief list of what is going to be at this interactive “art” exhibit taken directly from CMU’s website (my own emphasis added) and the Post Gazette:

• A tour of Denny DeLuca’s homemade Steelers Den, which has been moved in its entirety from his basement into the gallery.
• New episodes of Jim Shearer’s weekly, low-budget Web show, “Yinz Luv ‘Da Stillers,” which is produced entirely from his bedroom.
• Visitors to the gallery will be able to contribute to the exhibition by re-enacting Franco Harris’ famous catch and becoming part of the unforgettable “Immaculate Reception” footage
• Lem Apperson’s nylon SuperFan costume on a mannequin
• And of course…Roethlispoodle

This is Roethlispoodle

Finally, the only real reason anyone should want to attend this exhibition is that friend of the Deuce, Pittsburgh Sports and Mini Ponies will have a slide show of their classic “Great Moments in Unlicensed Pittsburgh Sports Merchandise” series. Art, hardly, hilarious slides, definitely.

While I know I am not a great art historian or even a lover of fine art, c’mon, the majority of this is stuff isn’t really artistic. Portions of it, sure, there’s some art in there, but overall, its not an art collection. It is something that belongs in a museum, not a gallery, but hey, it will be a lot of fun for Steelers fans out there and that is what is all about I guess.

Truthfully, I think what really ticks me off more is that you know Dan Snyder is looking at this and trying to figure out some way he can take this concept and monetize it somehow. I despise that little man so much…

Last week we went a lame 6-7-2, losing the upset special and winning the lock of the week.  Of course, things could’ve changed if i was allowed to pick the ‘Skins and and change my Patriots bet to New Orleans which I did later in my own personal action, but you gotta roll with what ya got, and what I’ve got is an overall record of 92-74 with 2 pushes.  My locks of the week are now 7-5 and my upset specials are 5-7.  Quite a mirror image there.  We know we can do better though and we strive for perfection this week, lucky 13.  Shall we get on to the picks?  As always, all lines are from TheGreek. Hot cheerleader is Melissa from the Atlanta Falcons. Scroll to the bottom if you want to skip to the Upset Special and the Lock of the Week.*

DENVER -5 at Kansas City

Starting off with a real winner here, eh?  I am liking Denver to win this one easily by 5 points, especially after seeing what they did last week against New York, beating them by 20.  When Orton is healthy and playing for this Broncos squad they seem to always have a chance and their defensive shortcomings shouldnt get exposed too much against this Chiefs squad.  Take the Broncos here easy.

As a side note, I just spilled water all over myself.  Whenever I drink any other beverage but water, I take my time with it, taking small enough gulps so that nothing spills out too fast from whatever lip of whatever glass I am drinking from…but not water.  With water, the rules of drinking go by the wayside.  I will throw my head back and chug that bitch down like I’ve been wandering in the Mojave desert for 3 days. If it spills on me, meh, its just water, it’l dry and it’l be like nothing happens.  Normally this isnt too much of an issue, except when I do it at work and I have to hide out in my office until my shirt or pants dry from the water I was splashing on myself.  No, i’m not sweating, no, its not pee.  Just water.  Anyone else do this?  Can’t just be me drinking with such reckless abandon.

Oakland at Pittsburgh OVER 37

I hate the large line on this game.  Who knows what Big Ben’s head is gonna be like in this game?  Who knows how Gradkowski will do against the Steelers D?  Who know how well the Steelers will perform without Polamalu yet again?  I don’t know any of this.  So, personally, I would stay away from this like a $2 beer night in Georgetown.  But, if you must be a douche and go, then just take the Over.  37 seems low, like they are daring you to make this bet.  Well, take the dare, you’re a douchebag anyway since you’re in georgetown drinking bud lite for 2 bucks, you might as well go home with the ugly girl that is just daring you to dance with her.

HOUSTON +1 at Jacksonville

Both of these teams are pretty middling teams in the NFL at 5-6 and 6-5 respectively.  The Titans are in the midst of a 3 game skid and what looks to be another mediocre season, the Jaguars are coming off a loss of their own and are just as average  Each team has a star on it with Andre Johnson and Maurice Jones-Drew playing the role of offensive superstars.  So who to choose?  Well i am taking the Texans here.  My analysis? I have none…but that was a nice little lead-up to absolutely nothing huh?  Toss a coin here, you could do worse.  Take the Texans, get some odds.

PHILADELPHIA -5 at Atlanta

Philly has lost one of their young wide receivers, but another will just sprout up to take his place.  It wasn’t so long ago that Philadelphia had no actual talent at wide receiver, now between Jackson, Avant and Maclin they don’t even need former starters Reggie Brown and Kevin Curtis…well with Jackson down this week, Brown and Curtis will have to step right in.  The Falcons will be without Matty Ice this week after he fucked over countless fantasy teams last week going out after throwing for 15 yards with what was described as “a toe”.

You never want to see your fantasy football season end in week 12 because your quarterback had a toe injury.  Its not like Ryan runs around that much, they have a decent line, why does he need a fully functioning toe?  Is he throwing the damn ball with his toe?  He isn’t a kicker or punter, and, as a matter of fact, they don’t even kick with their toes.  If this was 20 years ago Matt Ryan would’ve cut the toe off and just kept playing a la Ronnie Lott and his finger lo’ these many years ago.

But I guess ya cant go back.  Anyway, Chris Redman is starting and while he played well last week, I dont trust him as far as Matt Ryan’s toe will take him on a walkabout.  I’m taking the Eagles here.

Detroit at CINCINNATI -13

The Bengals’ offense is not that impressive right now.  Their line stinks and they’ve been asking Palmer to do too much lately with no help besides the impressive Ocho Cinco.  Luckily, they’re getting back Cedric Benson this week and should be able to move the ball on the ground against the lowly Lions.  These Lions are banged up, did you see Calvin Johnson try to move last week?  They say he’s alright this week but my 88 year old grandma has more git-up-n-go in her step than him.  Stafford is not well either.  So you have an injured star receiver, a hurt rookie quarterback and a running back that is average in all ways with average defense and a bad offensive line.  Yup, looks like they might not win another game this year. Congrats to them though, they are 2 games better than last year.  Take the Bengals here.

NEW ORLEANS -9.5 at Washington

Some weeks I actually want to take my Redskins in some sports betting action, but I don’t because I cannot be a homer gambler anymore.  Regardless, this week is not one of those weeks.  New Orleans is going to face rape the Redskins.  It is going to happen and it won’t be pretty.  Bangbus wouldn’t even film this.  I am not even sure if I am going to watch this game.  Take New Orleans…do not look directly at the television set…just read the box score later.  It’l be alright someday Redskins fans.

Tampa Bay at CAROLINA -6

Carolina is starting untested Matt Moore at quarterback, Tampa Bay is starting slightly tested Josh Freeman at quarterback.  This is like the futures game of the week in the NFL.  I’m going with the total unknown here, he’s got a decent running game and a somewhat solid defense to fall back on while Freeman just has his legs.  Take Carolina, buy some Christmas presents for the kids with the money you will win on this one.

St. Louis at CHICAGO -9

This game looks a whole lot like the Detroit one we just talked about, only the Bears are far worse than the Bengals while the Rams might even be worse than the Lions.    So why am I taking the bears this week?  Well because the Rams shouldnt be able to put enough pressure on Cutler for him to make the mistakes he’s been making lately.  I’m so confident in this, i am actually starting him in a must win game for my big money fantasy team this week.  My confidence is awesome…and will be my downfall.

Not that you care at all about my fantasy team either but forgive the rant.  Just know that I have cut my 2nd and 4th round draft picks, my 1st and 3rd rounders are both hurt and Cutler is my starter this week.  I have basically already lost.

San Diego at CLEVELAND +13.5

What is this madness you say?  Taking the Browns vs the slightly mighty Chargers?  Why am I doing this?  Because Mad Max Beyond the Thunderdome is about over an this column isnt even close to being finished.  Well that and because as bad as the Browns have been lately, their defense isnt really this bad and its about time for good ole Norville Turner to put on a real stinker of a game after they’ve been playing well these past few weeks.  On the road, heavy favorites…I dont like it. 2 MEN ENTER 1 MAN LEAVES!  Take the Browns.

SAN FRANCISCO +1 at Seattle

I know, I know, you must think I have some vendetta against the Seahawks this year…or you have no idea what I am talking about.  To clarify, I always seem to bet against the ‘Hawks, and I’ve lost a few times, sure.  But for the most part, this has been a winning strategy and I dont see that stopping this week.  If i was even more of a gambling man than I already am I’d take the 49ers moneyline.  I just can see Seattle running their offense this week by allowing Julius Jones back into the fold.  Justin Forsett was THE MAN last week and he should be the main ball carrier but he wont be and they will lose because of it.

Also, where the hell has Mike Singletary been this season?  Last year he was taking pants off and yelling at reporters and benching players. I mean, remember this?

How awesome was that?  CAN’T DO IT. This year, he’s turned into the black, dentures lisping Bill Belichick.  I don’t like it one bit.  They 49ers have been losing because Singletary’s taken the edge off his game, if he brings it back old school this week, I really like their chances.  Well…even if he doesn’t I like em.  Take the 49ers.

Dallas at NY GIANTS +1

This is a tough game to pick.  Eli is still injured and this team does not work with him injured.  So why am I picking the Giants, especially after losing last week to the Broncos?  Simple.  I hate the Cowboys and think that 8-3 is way above where they should be record wise at this point in the season.  They must regress to the mean.  This will be the start.  Take the Giants.  My non-scientific approach to sports gambling tells you so.

BALTIMORE +3 at Green Bay

The Pack has been an underwhelming team even with a 7-4 record.  The Ravens have been more underwhelming.  Despite the Packers’ offense lighting up the fantasy scoreboard all season, their line stinks and while the Ravens’ defense isnt what it used to be, they should be able to attack the Packers with the blitz, and cause Rogers to do too much.  This week, I like Joe Flaccooooe to win hun.  Take the Ravens.

UPSET SPECIAL OF THE WEEK

LOCK OF THE WEEK

*Deuce of Davenport is only doing this column for entertainment purposes only, you’d be a fool to actually follow any of this advice and/or these picks. We accept no responsibility for anyone actually gambling with these picks.

Last week we were a disappointing 7-8, although I should’ve been 8-7 since I would’ve picked Jacksonville had I known MJD was going to play, but that is the pitfalls in making your picks on Friday morning, so I’ll stick with the 7-8. Although you know, and I know, what the real play was there. The lock of the week (5-5 on the year) failed but the upset special won (4-6 on the year) and we are now 74-65 for the year, 53% so far, which means we need to go on a run to hit the magic 56% number we all strive for. Hopefully this week will be better. Lets get on to the picks. As always, all lines are from TheGreek. Hot cheerleader is Linda from the New York Jets. Scroll to the bottom if you want to skip to the Upset Special and the Lock of the Week.*

Cleveland at DETROIT -3.5

Well this is just the NFL equivalent of watching a cripple fight isn’t it? You feel sad for the two participants but you can’t help but watch anyway because hey…cripple fight, right? Its the NFL, you really cant help but watch every game you possibly can, even if it is this game of two sad excuses of NFL teams. If you must put action on this, I like the suddenly looking somewhat stable Lions to beat the constantly in turmoil Browns and to cover the field goal and then some spread. For some reason the Browns’ defense has not been playing that bad, they apparently missed the memo to suck for this season, but I just don’t trust their offense to score anything here.

BUFFALO +9 at Jacksonville

Yes, there is no logic here to this pick. ITS CRRRRAAAAZY! Who on earth would think that the Bills, who just fired their head coach Dick Jauron so he can concentrate becoming the completely dead instead of just the walking dead, could actually compete with the Jaguars who just ran all over the Jets, well I do ladies and gents. Take the Bills who will be so happy to finally play to win instead of playing not to lose like the did with “not really tricky at all” Dickie Jauron.

Pittsburgh at KANSAS CITY +10

Pittsburgh is without their defensive rock Troy Polamalu yet again and they are going seriously pass crazy even though their offensive line cannot pass block to save their lives. This game is and should be a get well game for the Steelers and they should win, but I dont like laying double digits to the home dog so the plan here is to take KC and the points and pray that not having Larry Johnson will be enough to allow the Chiefs to function like a real NFL team.

INDIANAPOLIS -1 at Baltimore

The Colts are a really really good football team, meanwhile the Ravens still have people thinking their defense is the one that won them a Super Bowl in 2000. That was 9 years ago people, wake up. They are a 5-4 team right now and looked wretched against the Browns last week. They could only score 1 offensive touchdown against them. That is bad, man, like crazy bad, Beastmaster bad.

Yeah, I am actually watching Beastmaster right now, it is such a bad movie but like the sucker I am, I am still watching it because I am too lazy to find something else on tv. Well that and I find that if there is anything on TV on that I actually care about when I am writing, I get ZERO work done. Funny how that works. I did get a little nostalgic for Marc Singer watching the new V on tv the other day though. I still don’t know if I actually like the new V or if I am just waiting for it to be as awesome as the old V seemed when I was like 8 years old. WTF is Marc Singer up to besides hitting the comic book conventions circuit? Also, Did you know Rip Torn is in Beastmaster? I certainly didn’t know that, but I, sir, am a moron. That guy must’ve had it rough as an actor before the Larry Sanders show, which, by the way, is possibly one of the top 5 greatest television comedies in my life time. Such an underrated show. Or maybe its just rated. At this point, with people like me talking it up its probably making it overrated. Whatever, lets move on, shall we?

ATLANTA +6.5 at New York Giants

The Giants are coming off a bye week and have lost 4 games straight with their secondary and quarterback both injured and struggling while the Falcons are as up and down as any team in the NFL. 2nd year QB Matty Ice is not looking so good this season after his breakout rookie year but his running game has been working for him lately so they could have a chance in this game even if Turner the Burner sits this one out. I wouldn’t pick the Falcons to win this game outright, but I cant see the Giants busting this one wide open. This pick here is a sharp pick if it works and it should…unless the Giants are healed in their secondary and Eli shows no ill effects from his foot thing. If that is the case, I am fucked.

SAN FRANCISCO +6.5 at Green Bay

Another road dog? What am I smoking? Well truthfully, nothing, but I am eating mozzarella sticks and pepperoni slices at the same time. Its like all the fun of pizza without the dough and sauce. You take one bite of the cheese stick and then take a couple pepperoni slices and it is meaty, cheesy tastiness. What is even better are those mozzarella/pepperoni rolls you can get in the cheese section of any grocery store. Its all done for you, you just have to cut it, or, like I do, just chomp down into that sucker and rip you off a piece of tasty meatcheese. There isnt much like snacking on meats and cheeses at 3am while you are trying to blog. You know you’ve entered a new stage in life when you pass on the chips or candy and use meat as your junk food. Its primal and yet refined at the same time. Its refimal.

Anyway, Green Bay is a mess right now and if you’ve been betting on them lately you are a braver person than I. I have no idea how they beat the Cowboys and I bet neither do they. Sure their sound bites all say the right thing, but inside, they have to be like “What the fuck just happened there? We’re still in this somehow! Hot damn!” The 49ers right now look downright scary with their running game and that is helping to mask the fact that Alex Smith is not and should not be a NFL quarterback. How is he not in the UFL? I gotta think Sexy Rexy or JP Losman could do a little better here. Take the 49ers and pray that Mike Singletary can get some pressure on Aaron Rogers since his line has more holes in it than my meth-head cousin’s brain.

Seattle at MINNESOTA -10.5

Big spread, biiiiiig spread. I have done pretty well betting against Seattle all year, especially on the road where they are 0-4. I like their streak of losing and my streak of winning when betting against them to continue here. Seattle’s defense stinks worse than my breath after eating mozzarella sticks and pepperoni all night…Mrs. Rage is not going to be happy when she catches a whiff of this. I’m not even sure if brushing my teeth and mouthwash is going to stop this from blasting her nostrils and making her visibly gag when i see her in the morning. Also, have you ever gotten liquid smoke on your hands? I used a little liquid smoke to flavor some turkey I was cooking up tonight (I live in a condo, no balcony, which means no grill, I needed some smokey flavor and I know it isnt the same but I have to use it anyway, leave me alone) and I got some of it on my hands and it wont go away. The downside of this is, my hands stink of bottled smokey flavoring, the upside is, my hands smell like delicious smoked meats. You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have…the facts of life.
So, to sum up, my breath and my hands smell like smoked meats and cheese and take Minnesota.

Washington at DALLAS -11

Who in the hell thought the Redskins could win that game last week? Not I. My personal thanks to Kyle Orton, the Redskins MVP for the game. Their offense was lighting up the Redskins defense when he was at quarterback but once he injured his ankle, they could only muster 36 yards with the spleenless Chris Simms at the helm. Who would’ve thought that a spleen was an integral part of being a QB in the NFL. Lets look at his stats pre spleen removal and post spleen removal:

Pre Spleen: 19 games played, completed 59.1% of his passes, QB rating of 71.2
Post Spleen: 2 games played, 26% completions, QB rating…well it was 7.2 last week…that is bad.

After this small sample size my conclusions are that spleens are necessary for survival in the NFL. Wait I am just handed a note…Drew Bledsoe ruptured his spleen in like 2000, paving the way for Tom Brady to steal his job, and after his spleen got obliterated his stat lines were statistically better in Buffalo and Dallas than when he was with the Patriots. Ok, so maybe not having a spleen only hurts when you are Chris Simms and you suck. You have NOTHING on Major Applewhite, Simms! NOTHING!

NEW ORLEANS -11 at Tampa Bay

New Orleans has been playing it close lately with their opponents and because of that, this week, I like them to break out of their semi-slump and dominate. I say semi-slump because they still haven’t lost a game, they’ve just been playing in some squeakers. Ronde Barber can only do so much against the offense of the Saints. All the Saints receivers should run wild in this game.

Also, am I the only won in this world rooting for a Saints/Bengals superbowl? Who Dats vs Who Deys! Why don’t more teams do this? Someone needs to adopt Who ‘Dis? or Who Dont! or Who Dunnit! Or something.

Arizona at ST. LOUIS +9

The Cardinals have been playing pretty well lately but I like Steven Jackson to make this game competitive. I still cannot say how sorry I feel for that man. He must really love the game to put forth such effort every game for such a God awful team. I like their chances at home here to keep this game close and even possibly steal one away from the NFC Champs.

New York Jets at NEW ENGLAND -10.5

The Jets are frauds, frauds with a running game, but frauds nonetheless. I think the Patriots here do one of those no mercy style beatdowns on the Jets to make up for their close game against the Colts last week. There shouldn’t be any controversy on the final play of this game, unless its about the Patriots trying to run up the score.

TENNESSEE +4 at Houston

With Chris Johnson looking like the second coming of Walter Payton can anyone reasonably bet against the Titans right now? Their defense scored twice last week, they have the best running back in football and Vince Young is playing some very un-Vince Young like football right now. The Texans never seem to ever live up to their hype and even though they have had 2 weeks to prepare for this game, their defense will not be prepared for Chris Johnson. Little known fact (especially do all you Deadspin readers) Chris Johnson’s middle name actually is Duan. How cool is that?

UPSET SPECIAL OF THE WEEK

Cincinnati at OAKLAND +9.5

I just have to think at some point again, real soon, then Bengals will look like the Bungles. This might be it. On the road, with their #1 running back injured, against a team with absolutely nothing to lose…and they just signed the ultimate locker room disaster Larry Johnson. I smell UPSET OF THE WEEK material game right here! I need to hit up a sports bar this Sunday so I can watch this game I think. Watching the Raiders is like watching a NASCAR event, you watch it for the crashes, and crashes in this case mean you watch it waiting for Tom Cable to pull a Woody Hayes or Buddy Ryan and just punch the living shit out of someone.

LOCK OF THE WEEK

PHILADELPHIA -3 at Chicago

Even the Eagles cant mess this game up. The Bears simply are a team lacking in talent right now. Their offensive line is a disaster and their vaunted defense from years past is a shell of its former self. Meanwhile, if Andy Reid could just get out of his way and stop making game planning so complicated, the Eagles could beat anyone in the league. Take the Eagles and the 3 points, this one is a gimme.

*Deuce of Davenport is only doing this column for entertainment purposes only, you’d be a fool to actually follow any of this advice and/or these picks. We accept no responsibility for anyone actually gambling with these picks.

Well last week was pretty freakin average. We went 7-6, although truthfully, I would’ve changed my Indy -9 pick as I found out about their injuries on their D later in the week, but ya can’t cry over spilled milk. We were perfect on the Locks of the Week and Upset Specials making our records in those 5-4 and 3-6 respectively and 67-59 overall. Not bad, but we’re going to try to widen that gap a little bit more this week. Lets get on to it, shall we? As always, all lines are from TheGreek. Hot cheerleader is Stacy from the Philadelphia Eagles. Scroll to the bottom if you want to skip to the Upset Special and the Lock of the Week.*

Jacksonville at NEW YORK JETS -7

I was soooo close to taking the Jags and the points in this game because i figured this one could be a close one, then I find out that MJD might have a gimpy knee. Oh dear. Well, while I am a fan of Liberty’s own Rashad Jennings, MJD is the heart and soul of the Jags. They go as he goes…well and how David Garrard goes too i guess…and maybe how their defense goes as well but that is neither here nor there. Since MJD might be hurting, I am gonna go ahead and pick the J-E-T-S to come out of their slumpage and kick the Jags down a notch. Its not like the Jaguars defense can really stop any of the Jets running backs anyway and the Sanchize should be able to not screw this game up. A touchdown, at home, should be plenty for the Jets to win by.

CINCINNATI +7 at Pittsburgh

So these two teams played each other back in September and the score was 23-20 with the Bengals winning. Cinci was a 3.5 point underdog in that game at home, double that and that is what they are on the road in Steelertown. I think this one is a close one. The Bengals and the Steelers are both playing some terrific defense and both are moving the ball down the field on offense. Unless the Steelers D goes nuts on Carson Palmer’s knee, this one isn’t going to be decided by more than 4 points. Take the Bengals.

Buffalo at Tennessee UNDER 41

Guess who is back? T.E. in the hizzy yo! You know what that means? Why it means the Bills have no chance at all at winning this game. Well, ok, they do have a slight chance at winning if their ball hawking defense comes to play and picks off Vincent Young a few times. But it really doesn’t matter who wins this game really because I am going for the totals here. I dont anticipate this game having a lot of points. Do you really expect the Titans to score over 30 points for the 3rd week in a row? I certainly don’t. Vinsanity has to come back to earth, Trent Edwards is lookin more like Trent Green with his concussion issues, and both teams will be grinding it out on the ground as much as they can. Take the Under here, its the safe pick for sure.

DETROIT +16.5 at Minnesota

Jesus, that is a lot of points for the Vikings to cover. Sure it is at home and Stafford just had a 5 INT game, but there is no way I can pick a team to cover that many points. Its difficult to imagine that the books are getting equal action on this one, but their loss is your gain. The Vikings defense is not playing well enough now to beat the Lions by 17 points, garbage time will screw them on that for sure. Take the Lions and watch the game pretending that the Lions already have a 16 point lead. Trust me, it’l make it a TON more enjoyable to watch.

ATLANTA -1 at Carolina

This might be the toughest game to pick this week. Both of these teams are impossible to figure out to me. At some times Matt Ryan is a world beater while others it he is just beating himself. The Panthers, meanwhile, are now somehow winning games without any passing game whatsoever. They should just try to be like Navy and never pass the ball, ever. Its worked pretty well for them, I don’t see why the Panthers can’t give it a shot. Can’t be any worse really because how can you trust Jake Delhomme at this point in his career? How bad must the backup quarterbacks be on this team if they are still playing Delhomme? I have no idea who is gonna win this, on paper (my papers at least), the Falcons should win, so I am just gonna go with that and pray it comes true.

TAMPA BAY +10 at Miami

Miami should win this game, hammering the ball at the Bucs with their corps of running backs and if Tampa was smart, they would be doing the same thing in return. However, there is no way I think Miami wins this one by more than 10. If Tampa could put the smack down on Green Bay, certainly they can keep up with Miami. Least I think so…and that is what is important, right? RIGHT?

KANSAS CITY +2 at Oakland

This is a matchup of two of the must brutal offenses in the league. This is NOT a marquee mathchup any stretch of the imagination. I dont even want to pick it really. I really care so little about this game. You shouldn’t watch, you shouldn’t bet on it, but if you do, just take the Chiefs. I dont ever, EVER like Oakland as a favorite.

Seattle at ARIZONA -9

I’ve done pretty well this year picking against the mighty Seahawks and I am hoping this won’t end now. The Cards are coming on strong, picking up momentum as the season progresses and I think they will romp over the Seahawks this week. The ‘hawks just don’t have enough on defense to slow down the prolific attack of the Cards.

The one good thing about the Seahawks is Matt Hasselbeck and watching him on the NFL Network’s Sound FX. This guy is a fucking riot. Listening to him on the field, you can completely tell that 1) He knows Seattle is going nowhere this season and 2) He can just have fun this season because if he took it seriously he might actually kill himself. You can tell that he honestly doesn’t give a damn anymore. Its brilliant television. If you get the NFL Network, dvr/watch Sound FX for last week’s games, its totally worth it for this guy. Anyway, the Seahawks have beaten the Rams, Jags and Lions…no way they are winning this week, take the Cards and the points.

Philadelphia at SAN DIEGO -1

Last time Phily went out to the west coast they got beaten by the lowly Oakland Raiders. I don’t think this week will be much different…except that San Diego is actually starting to play really good football right now. Attribute this spread to the mighty EAST COAST BIAS and the lie that is the strength of the NFC East. Take the Chargers and let Marmalad/Kinglaserface take you to victory.

DALLAS -3 at Green Bay

Oh, see what i just wrote about the NFC East right there…well it doesn’t apply to this game. The Packers are a team in some serious trouble right now. Their offensive line is horrrrrrrrrrrible and Aaron Rogers isn’t helping things right now by not getting out of the way of all the defensive players that are sacking him. Even though the skill players are still putting up crazy good fantasy points, the team as a whole is not playing so well right now. The Cowboys, on the other hand, look to be gelling at the right time. Miles Austin is a revelation. That crazy toothed mofo can get open, run real fast and actually hold onto the ball. All the things that receivers should do, but so, so many of them dont. Look at Roy Williams, Ted Ginn and the entire Washington Redskins receiving corps and so many others for proof of that. Stick with what works, the power running and Miles Austin and Dallas should cover 3 points on the road here easy.

New England at INDIANAPOLIS -3 (+105)

CLASH OF THE TITANS! GAME OF THE YEAR! GAME OF THE MONTH! GAME OF OUR LIVES! This game is SO BIG they should put Pat Summerall and John Madden back together and reanimate Howard Cosell’s lifeless, dead and buried corpse to be the world’s creepiest sideline reporter EVER. Way creepier than Pam Oliver’s fivehead. Two of the douchiest quarterbacks ever in one EPIC BATTLE for AFC DOMINATION.

There are only 2 real good games this week, Cinci/Pittsburgh is one and this is the other and both are only AFC teams. The AFC playoffs are going to be so much more entertaining than the NFC games or the Super Bowl. Because of this, I think we should celebrate the AFC playoffs the way we normally celebrate the Super Bowl and celebrate the Super Bowl the way we normally celebrate the Pro Bowl, because in reality, it is going to be about as meaningful as that game. Whomever wins the AFC Championship is pretty much the best team in the league. At least reanimated Howard Cosell would say so…or something like “mmmMMRRRUURRGGGH!”

Anyway, I think it is possible that the Patriots are just dickish enough to end the Colts winning streak right here and leave Peyton Manning to look like, well, Peyton Manning, but I cannot resist a juicy line like the one I have above. Taking the favorite, giving points, but getting odds…I love it. People are on the Pats 2 to 1 in this one, but the line has been pretty steady at -3. I think the Colts D is getting stronger every week and Peyton is playing football as if he were Neo in the Matrix, everything is just slow for him. They stay unbeaten, take the Colts.

Baltimore at CLEVELAND +10

Baltimore has been looking pretty average as of late and this week the Derek Anderson show is over with Brady Quinn starting for the Browns. 10 points is an awful lot for the Ravens to score on the road, even though the Browns really have no defense whatsoever. This is a horrible Monday night game and ESPN should be pissed that it is on their schedule, especially with the Sunday Night game looking to be like the NBC’s Battle of the NFL Network Superstars. Just take the home dog and immediately hop in the shower to wash away the shame you will have for betting this game…and you will bet it. Its Monday Night Football, you are going to either try to cap your winning week off with a big win, or try to recoup your losses from all the other games you listened to me on. We all know this and you know this. Just admit you have a problem and that is the first step on the road to recovery.

UPSET SPECIAL OF THE WEEK

New Orleans at ST. LOUIS +13.5

My spidey sense was tingling last week with the Saints and I was right, they didn’t cover in a game they clearly should have…but I didn’t listen to it, much to my dismay. I’m not making the same mistake this week. Plus, while looking over the numbers on this one, pretty much 99% of the action is on the Saints to cover…yet the line either hasn’t moved or has gone DOWN from 14 points. What does that tell you people? It tells you that the Rams are the play here with out a doubt. I don’t exactly know how this is going to go down…but it will…and you will reap the benefits from it.

LOCK OF THE WEEK

DENVER -3.5 at Washington

Since I told myself that I could never bet on Washington again the rest of the season, this is the most obvious pick on the board. Amazingly, betting against Washington for the season has worked out quite well. As a matter of fact if you only bet against Washington all season, you would actually be up a considerable amount of money. The Redskins have beat the spread once, against Carolina, when they lost by 3 points instead of 5. They actually pushed their first game of the season, losing to the Giants by just 6 points. The other 6 games the Redskins have played this year, they failed to cover their end of the bargain. Fading the Redskins is the only way to gamble people! You would be 6-1-1 if you did this! So why go against the grain? Fade them again this week, take the Broncos who should easily cover 3.5 points against this woeful Redskins squad.

*Deuce of Davenport is only doing this column for entertainment purposes only, you’d be a fool to actually follow any of this advice and/or these picks. We accept no responsibility for anyone actually gambling with these picks.

Week 5 was a whole lot of more of the same, I got a little too cute with a few picks and ended up going 7-6 with my picks. I was perfect on my Upset Specials and Locks of the week though, so for the season we’re at 39-35, 3-2 on locks of the week and 2-3 on upset specials. Really, I am the most mediocre prognosticator there is, but it appears in the long term, you should finish enough over .500 to maybe break even…which is not good enough my friends. You deserve more. This week, we’re shooting for near perfection. Its been a long work week (hence why this place has been a ghost town this week), so my writeups will be quick, but here are the picks. As always, all lines are from TheGreek. Hot cheerleader is Tiffany Jimenez from the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Scroll to the bottom if you want to skip to the Upset Special and the Lock of the Week.*

KANSAS CITY +6.5 at Washington

Washington is playing with just 2 actual offensive linemen, the other 3 are just getting a headstart for halloween. I dont care how stout their D can be, Chiefs are, more than likely, winning this one straight up. If the Redskins do pull it out, it certainly wont be by a touchdown. Feel safe with this one.

Houston at Cincinnati OVER 46

All the Bengals do is play in close games, why should this one be any different against the occasionally high flying Texans’ offense. I thought about taking Texans +5 because of that, but I also expect this game to be a shootout. Each team scoring in bunches. Just play it safe and take the over.

Cleveland at PITTSBURGH -14

I’m not sure if the Browns will gain over 100 yards here. Only way the Steelers don’t win by more than 2 scores is if their horrible 4th quarter prevent D blows another huge lead. Lets hope they’ve figured that 4th quarter out. You’d think a team that won the Super Bowl the year before would have an inclination as to how to finish out a game strong. Its like they only really know how to come from behind, not play with a lead. Nevertheless, the Browns suck. Stillers dominate this one.

Baltimore at MINNESOTA -3

The Ravens defense is good but their offense is in the starring role this season. Unfortunately for them, the Vikings have a defense that can bottle up their newly dynamic offense and savvy/gritty/gutty/grizzled/tough/wise/veteran QB BRETTFAVRE will yet again perform well enough to solve any blitz thrown at him. Percy Harvin scores here too I think…just a random Peter King like guess there. You like that, I know it.

St. Louis at JACKSONVILLE -9.5

Sure the Jags got shut out last week, but the Rams have been shut out twice this year! Its scary laying this many points on the Jags, but I just have that little faith in the Rams ability to get in the end zone…that and I have a huge man crush on MJD.

Carolina at TAMPA BAY +3

This one is a pure gut feeling play here. I just think that Tampa’s running game and their super mobile QB will present a lot of problems for Carolina. Also, after 2 tough road games, this could be the Bucs’ last chance at a win in a while in a home game against a mentally beaten down team. I think the upset happens and Tampa wins its 1st game of the year.

Detroit at GREEN BAY -13.5

It is looking more and more like Calvin Johnson won’t be playing on Sunday. This news is horrible for my fantasy team, but excellent for my wallet. Take the Packers here and rest easy knowing your money is about to double up.

ARIZONA +3 at Seattle

Its tough to play in Seattle for sure, but Arizona does it twice a year and know what they are getting into. Well, that and the Seahawks really aren’t a good team despite what they did last week to Jacksonville. Kurt Warner flies high this game Arizona will win straight up, if the moneyline was better i would be all over that.

Bills at Jets UNDER 37.5

If you don’t live on the east coast, you might not know this but…it is friggin wet. REAL WET right now. This deluge wont stop for days, its Friday morning when i’m writing this and it wont stop raining until sometime next week. It will be raining on Sunday and with the Jets starting a rookie QB from Southern California and the Bills just being one of the worst teams in football playing one of the best defenses in the league…I am thinking all of this will keep the score loooooow.

Tennessee at NEW ENGLAND -9

The Patriots are going to flex their muscles here and show that they can, at times, play like the dominating team they used to be. The Titans will just stand idly by watching as it happens to them. No shocker here when the Pats win.

Chicago at ATLANTA -3.5

After last weekend’s offensive explosion, how do you not roll the dice and pick the Falcons here? You have to like what Ryan and White are doing in the air and Turner seems to be gaining his footing this season as a RB. Their D is also playing some decent football. I think the Bears hit a wall in Atlanta.

Denver at SAN DIEGO -3.5

The Chargers are coming off a bye week having rested and licked their wounds and they are going to come out, at home, on Monday night and put an end to the amazing win streak the Broncos are on right now. Believe in NORV! Chargers will win!

UPSET SPECIAL OF THE WEEK

NEW YORK GIANTS +3 at New Orleans

In my mind, the Giants are the most complete team in the NFC and possibly the NFL, unless they prove me otherwise by getting their asses handed to them, I think they should be favored in every game this year. So, in light of that, any time they are underdogs I am taking them…even though New Orleans is at home and coming off a bye week. 2 things that mean that I will probably soon be parted with my money…but i’m still liking the Giants here.

LOCK OF THE WEEK

PHILADELPHIA -14 at Oakland

I think there is some rule to NFL sports betting that if the home team is a 14 point underdog, you really just have to take them…but screw that rule. This year in the NFL has been no stranger to some crazy blowouts. The difference between the the haves and the have nots is HUGE this season. Take the Eagles, they cover this huge line easy. And if you’re ever up in Philly, hit up Monk’s Belgian Cafe…seriously the best mussels and fries in the city and a great selection of Belgian beers.

*Deuce of Davenport is only doing this column for entertainment purposes only, you’d be a fool to actually follow any of this advice and/or these picks. We accept no responsibility for anyone actually gambling with these picks.

This is going to be one long season, last week was another totally average week, with your boy Chimp going 7-7, losing the upset special and winning the lock of the week. Overall, I am 32-29 and 2-2 on the Locks of the Week and 1-3 on the Upset Specials. Still a whole lot of room to make some money and if you were for some reason betting with me here, you would probably be around even. But, we can do better, and we certainly will this week. I have information that will make this week the ultimate lock week of all weeks! READ ON! As always, all lines are from TheGreek. Hot cheerleader is Abbie M from the Baltimore Ravens. Scroll to the bottom if you want to skip to the Upset Special and the Lock of the Week.*

MINNESOTA -10 at St. Louis

You know a team is bad when I am willing to lay 10 points against a home team on a team playing on a short week due to them having just played their guts out on Monday night. St. Louis is that bad. If this were a college game, there would be a 30 point spread. These teams are mirror images of each other. If you wanted a real life analogy, the Vikings are a NASA shuttle lifting off to go visit the space station, while the Rams are the rocket that is on a death mission to the Moon to literally punch the moon in its fucking face. You gotta take the Vikings here, their D will pummel whomever is quarterbacking the Rams into the ground like a NASA rocket into the moon…I cannot use that story enough apparently! THIS IS MY SUPERSONIC PICK OF THE WEEK because you will be running so fast to make this bet you will generate a Goddamn SONIC BOOM!!!

Dallas at KANSAS CITY +9

Sure Tony Romo is a screw-up, they have average wide receivers, all their running backs are banged up and their defense is garbage….wait…no do not ignore any of that information. As bad as Kansas City is and they are pretty horrible, I actually think they have a chance at home against this Dallas squad. Not a good chance, but a good enough chance to cover 9 points here. Take the Chiefs, put a good amount of money on it, then go take this sick ass Makers Mark Master Distiller’s Experience. You get a friggin 24 karat bottle of your own booze, literally your face is etched onto the bottle, its YOURS! THIS IS MY 130 PROOF KILLER BUZZ PICK OF THE WEEK!

Washington at CAROLINA -3.5

Yeah, so far I am 1-0 when picking against my Redskins like I said I would the rest of the season and I think I am going to increase my winning streak to 2 games this week. Both teams are desperate, one team will win.

My information this week says the ‘Skins have hired a man that was recently pulling bingo balls out of a barrel for a church to be the salvation for their offense. How anyone can ever bet on them is beyond me. If you live in the DC area like me, you should take Carolina and when you win buy yourself a nice big HD television and some NFL Sunday Ticket so you never have to watch the Redskins again. GOD they suck.

Tampa Bay at PHILADELPHIA -14.5

I must be crazy…or AM I? This line is actually up to 16 in some places and the action on Tampa has been pretty steady even with the line moves. No one thinks the Bucs can actually win this game, but they question whether the Eagles can actually put up the points to cover this line. I’m here to assure you, they will. Sure McNabb is just coming back, but after the performance that Kevin Kolb had the last two weeks and Mike Vick’s ever increasing appearances on the field, Donovan will want to desperately piss all over the Buccaneers to assert his dominance and claim this football team for himself, once and for all…again…and just for this season. No way McNabb is here next year. Take the Eagles and when you win, piss all over your house, just to make a point. Claim that territory.

NY JETS -1 at Miami

Look for the Jets’ defense to terrorize Chad Henne into making a mistake on the few plays he is allowed to throw the ball. The other 80% of the time when the Dolphins are running, they will be bottled up tighter than a jar of some tasty Rao’s Vodka Sauce. Have you ever had this shit? It is possibly some of the greatest, store bought and mass produced red sauce on the planet. Mrs. Rage made some tasty Spaghetti alla Carbonara that was pushed over the top by the application of this sauce. Oh my GOD was so good I actually regurgitated it a few times in my mouth after the meal just to taste it again…or maybe that was just acid reflux…either way it was just as tasty the second time. Buy it, you cannot go wrong with it, much like you cannot go wrong taking the Jets here. This is my HOLY SHIT I ACTUALLY ATE 3/4 OF A BOX OF PASTA AND DAMN NEAR A PACKAGE OF BACON AND I STILL WANT MORE PICK OF THE WEEK!!!

Oakland at NY Giants UNDER 38

Look, the Raiders havent let anyone put up over 29 points on them this season and they haven’t scored a touchdown in 2 weeks with 9 points being their total offensive output in that span. The Raiders shut out a Tampa offense that is actually better than the Raiders. All this adds up to another really, really, low scoring game. Unless the Giants win 39-0, with an injured Eli Manning and a running game that will run the clock down quick, this game is going under. Take the Giants, its my Super Mega Ultra Special Upside Jigga Generic-Cliched Words pick of the week.

Cincinnati at BALTIMORE -9

I have inside information on this game that YOU NEED TO KNOW…and if i had a 1-800 number I could let you know, but I don’t so you will have to trust me. This is my 4 star, game of the year pick! Home team covers this large 9 point spread. The Bengals are paper…bengals…um yeah and they will be exposed this as such! Take Baltimore -9, thats right the RAVENS giving 9 points is your pick! Bet this right and you will be set to gamble the REST OF THE YEAR…HON!

PITTSBURGH -10.5 at Detroit

Yea, the Steelers should cruise this week and they might be getting the heart and soul of their D back when Troy Polamalu returns. Detroit has been beat down by more than 10 points in all 3 of their losses…and why not make it 4 for 4? By the way, you notice how large the spread are this week? So far we’ve had a 10, two 9′s, two 14.5, now a 10.5. I mean, what happened to parity? Jesus! Take the Stillers, eat all the Primanti Bros you want after you win, you’ll need it to absorb the alcohol you will ingest so you can stand to watch this blowout.

ATLANTA +2.5 at San Francisco

San Fran has surprised many with its 3-1 record, beating the Cardinals, Rams and Seahawks and losing to the Vikings by just 3 points. Meanwhile Atlanta is coming off a bye week at 2-1, losing once to the Patriots…San Fran is getting way too much respect here. This is a gimme, take the Falcons, the 49ers are impressing people, but lets not crown them yet. The Falcons are a solid team and should win this game out right. Take the Falcons, ITS MY FIVE POINTED STAR DEVIL MAY CARE PICK OF THE WEEK!

NEW ENGLAND -3 at Denver

I mean really, in what would should the Patriots ever be favored by just 3 points against the Broncos? I mean, these Broncos barely beat the Bengals and have beat the Cowboys, Raiders and Browns…hardly stout competition. Belichik taught Josh McDaniels all he knows…except how to beat the King. Not this week for the brash young coach, like the late James Brown said “I taught them everything they know…not everything I know.” Take the Patriots, this is my GET UP PAPA’S GOT A BRAND NEW BAG SEX MACHINE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE MAKE ME WANNA KISS MYSELF PICK OF THE WEEK!

Houston at Arizona UNDER 50

Yeah, everyone and their mother thinks this game is going to be some 35-29 high scoring fiasco, but I am not buying that hype. Arizona is at home and coming off a bye week allowing them 2 weeks to prepare for this offense. This game will have plenty of fireworks, but its not going above 50 points total. Fade the public and take the under safely here peoples. If I had a fade of the week, this would be it.

Jacksonville at Seattle

I can only find this line at one sportsbetting site and they have Jacksonville favored by 3. The rest of the sports gambling world it is off the board due to Hasselbeck’s questionable status right now. So, i’m not going to do a huge writeup about this game and I am not going to include it in my picks for this week. But, if I had to make a pick, I’d take Jacksonville, even if the spread is 3.

UPSET SPECIAL OF THE WEEK

CLEVELAND +210 at Buffalo

Well isnt this game a stinker? Toss a coin, I dunno. Seriously, no team deserves to win this game. Buffalo is favored by 6 at home and they need to win because when they dont, the crime rate jumps in Buffalo. Meanwhile, the Browns are winless and traded their former best receiver away for a couple of gritty role players to shake things up a little. Will it work? Who knows. What I do know is, i don’t feel confident in the Bills winning by a touchdown, nor do I feel confident the Browns will let them. No, where I see value in this matchup is the moneyline bet. +210 is just juicy enough to want to gamble since the Browns do actually have a chance here, not a good chance, but a double my damn money chance if they win. Take the Browns, gamble a little to double your cash and when you do, find me and shake my hand…if you dont, please dont punch me in the face. THIS IS MY DO NOT DARE PUNCH ME IN THE FACE PICK OF THE WEEK! Oh…also the Upset Special seeing as I am picking a 6 point underdog to win outright. Trapper, this one’s for you.

LOCK OF THE WEEK

INDIANAPOLIS -3.5 at Tennessee

I am officially done with the Titans like I am done with the Redskins. Every week I bet on them to break out of this slump and every week they disappoint me. Obviously, Jim Schwartz was a fucking genius and his absence is a void that cannot be filled by any other mortal being. Screw this team, take the Colts, Peyton Manning is playing the best football of his career, their defense is getting healthier every second, they have 2 running backs and 3 receivers playing exceptionally well, their offensive line is fantastic…how are they only favored by 3.5? You know what this means? LOCK OF THE WEEK. Thats right…i just did that. And while you’re in Nashville watching your Titans lose, hit up Tootsie’s Orchid Lounge because no trip to that city is complete without it.

*Deuce of Davenport is only doing this column for entertainment purposes only, you’d be a fool to actually follow any of this advice and/or these picks. We accept no responsibility for anyone actually gambling with these picks.

Last week wasn’t horrible, but it wasn’t amazing either. I finished up 9-7 here, and missed on the Upset Special but hit on my Lock of the week. Overall, I am 25-22 and 1-2 on the Locks of the Week and Upset Specials. Like I said, not bad, but not great. We can do better, and we will this week. HERE WE GO. As always, all lines are from TheGreek. Hot cheerleader is Emily C from the Jacksonville Jaguars. Scroll to the bottom if you want to skip to the Upset Special and the Lock of the Week.

OAKLAND +9 at Houston

The Raiders are a horrible team, just horrible, but as bad as they are, Houston’s D is worse. They are, and have been for awhile, the worst defense in the league. Its hard to be this bad for this long, but they are and have been. For this and this reason only, I am picking the Oakland Raiders to cover. With a D this bad, Oakland might not ever have to actually throw the ball and, really, why would they? JaMarcus Russel is scary bad. Take the Raiders and get yourself a big puffy Raiders Starter jacket with it, kickin it old skool boyeeeeee.

TENNESSEE -3 at Jacksonville

Tennessee is the best 0-3 team in football, hands down, and I will keep putting money on them until they win a damn game. Certainly they should have no problem putting away the hapless Jaguars at their home. 3 points is a gimme here. Take two Titans -3 and call me in the morning.

CINCINNATI -6 at Cleveland

You’re kidding me right? The real question is how does Cincinnati screw this game up so they don’t win by more than 6 points. They are perfectly capable of this and we all know it, but do not let that persuade you into making a bet on the home dog. You are better than that and you know it. Just look at this game as a gift from the gambling God, Gamblor. He knows you cannot resist a juicy line like that so don’t. Gamblor is a spiteful God. Do not anger him by turning down gifts. Once you win this bet, make sure you go straight to under your bathroom sink where you have your mini slot machine surrounded by candles and a picture of the Cthulhu-like monster that is Gamblor and pay your respects to the God that controls you.

New York Giants at Kansas City OVER 42

Everyone knows the Giants are going to win this game and after shutting out Tampa last week, everyone anticipates this game to be just as big a blowout, hence the 9 points that the Giants are favored by. But is 9 too much? Over 80% of the action is on the Giants and this line has not budged. I smell a rat. What I expect this time is that their D will give up points, their offense will score more, and in the end, it will be a 31-14 type score with thanks to a garbage time score for the Chiefs. If that score actually happens, my wife gets dinner at a restaurant of her choice…if she is actually reading this of course.

DETROIT +10 at Chicago

What, exactly, have the Bears done this year to be 10 point favorites against anyone? I’m waiting…yeah, I thought so, nothing. The Lions have at least proved one thing this year, that they are one game better than last year. That is always nice to get out of the way in the 3rd week. They wont win this game, but they aren’t going to get blown out either. Culter doesn’t have those kinds of weapons here and the Bears’ defense, while solid, has seen better days. Take the Lions, but first, you need have a yard sale on Saturday morning. Think of it as fall cleaning, you slob. Get rid of all that clutter like old books, t-shirts, silverware, plates, watches, couches, televisions, your children and take all that money and throw it on this game. You’ll thank me for it.

TAMPA BAY +9 at Washington

Yea, if you read last week, you know that I said that if the Redskins didn’t cover, I would bet against them the rest of the season, no matter what the line was. Well, they didn’t cover, so here we are picking Tampa. Luckily, this week, I actually like Tampa to cover this one since I don’t believe the Redskins can beat anyone by more than a field goal this season. I’m still rooting for my ‘skins to win…but I ain’t betting on them ever again. Take the Bucs, they wont win, but the Redskins can’t help but make this game close.

Seattle at INDIANAPOLIS -10.5

That is a LOT of points. A LOT of them. I’m not sure, but over 10 point favorites never seem to do that well in the NFL, someone should look that up…so why am I picking the Colts? Because they are freakin good and the Seneca Wallace show isn’t going to be able to keep up with them, especially with Julius Jones looking like he’s running through quicksand. Oh, and I have to take one of these massive home favorites at some point, so here we are. Take the Colts and the points, act like a total barstool pundit while you’re doing it and when you win kick everyone that mocked you right in the balls. They deserve it.

NY Jets at NEW ORLEANS -7

Last week the Bills proved that you can slow down the Saints mighty offense and the Jets will put all sorts of pressure on Drew Brees to prove that you can slow them down enough to win. Thing is, I dont think they will. With all that pressure, someone’s gotta be open, and Brees is good enough to find them. The Saints’ defense, however, has become blitz happy as well now that Gregggggggg Williams is their new coordinator and they will put the heat on young Mark Sanchez forcing him into finally showing the league that he is, indeed, a rookie. After you win this, shake a magic 8 ball and ask it if you are the man…signs will point to YES.

Buffalo at MIAMI +1

This is a game separated by two camps. Those that went to Michigan and believe that Chad Henne will actually win this game, thus proving he actually does belong in the NFL…and there is the rest of the world that knows he doesn’t. I fall in the latter of the two camps but I know something you may not and this might amaze you but…Miami runs the ball a TON. Henne will really just have to hand the damn ball off and they will beat Buffalo at home this week. On the defensive side, even Jason Taylor, who looks like he is playing the role of Bruce Smith in his last year, can sack Trent Edwards with the Buffalo O Line in front. Take the ‘phins, enjoy the 1 point cushion you have, relax in that easy chair you have and win you win your big bucks…buy me an easy chair like the one you have. I need me some lay-z-boy action.

DALLAS -3 at Denver

Denver is not a very good team. Oh, I know they are 3-0, but really, trust me, they are not a very good team. Don’t trust them. It pains me to go with Dallas here, but you have to pick them. Denver’s stats have been padded by playing the Raiders and the Browns the last two games, any team will look like a champion with that schedule. In this game, they will come down to earth. Orton will come down to earth. Their D will realize they still do not have a defensive line as Barber and Choice gash them for 200+ yards. Dallas wins this…well, just pray Romo doesnt screw this up. Take the Cowboys, buy yourself a pony when you win…for the kids of course.

San Diego at Pittsburgh OVER 43

Both teams have been hit by injuries and I have no idea who is going to win this game. What I do know is that both teams are hurting at RB and even with healthy RB’s they love to sling the ball. There is going to be a lot of clock stoppages and big plays and this will be one exciting, high scoring game. Take the over and don’t look back. No idea who is going to win…but points will be scored!! After you bet this game and before you sit down to watch it, make sure you buy yourself a seat belt for your couch…you’re going to need it.

GREEN BAY +3.5 at Minnesota

The revenge game, on Monday night, can it get any better? Yes…if Brett Favre loses this game. That will make it perfect. This will be a squeaker, take the road dog yet again this week. If Brett Favre actually beats his old team at least we know that we are already in Hell.

UPSET SPECIAL OF THE WEEK

BALTIMORE +1 at New England

Its a rare day that I pick against the Patriots at home, but this is one of those days, I’m going Ravens here. Why? Well after the Jets gave the Pats fits I kinda think the Ravens can do the same thing with their D. Also, the Ravens’ offense is better. Their running backs are better, they are deeper at WR, their line is playing better, and Flacco is, right now, playing better football than Football Fabio Tom Brady. Come to think of it, the Ravens are just a better team all around right now. Be gutsy, be a man (or woman) and do what you know is right and pick against the Pats at home. When you make this call and you win, you’re going to want to do exactly what I am going to do…which, of course, is to run outside and rip your shirt off full-on Hulkamania stylie and scream “I AM A FUCKING SPORTS BETTING GOD!”…especially if you are a woman you might want to consider this.

LOCK OF THE WEEK

St. Louis at SAN FRANCISCO -9

Lets see, Bulger is hurting, their best receiver (and a revelation at the position for the team) Laurent Robinson is out for the year and their defense is wretched. They only thing the Rams have going for them is poor Steven Jackson, whose talents are being wasted more than Marshall Faulk’s were when he was with the Colts. It’d be awesome if they repaid the Colts for giving them Faulk and give them Jackson, not because i like the Colts, but because i REALLY feel bad for Jackson. Pick the 49ers here and watch this game if you can. You might see Mike Singletary blow a groin from jockin his players so hard.

And while your in San Francisco, make sure you hit up Burger Meister. Gourmet burgers…can you go wrong? No, especially when they look like this!

*Deuce of Davenport is only doing this column for entertainment purposes only, you’d be a fool to actually follow any of this advice and/or these picks. We accept no responsibility for anyone actually gambling with these picks.

Well if you listened to me last week, you actually ended up 8-7 against the spread. We were 1-0 with our Upset Specials and 0-1 with our Locks of the Week (so much for that). Not bad but we here at the Deuce strive for perfection…or at least better than breaking even. This week there seems to be a lot of 3 point spreads, which is the equivalent of Vegas shrugging their shoulders saying “I have no idea, favor the home team”, so we’ll see how we do. As always, all lines are from TheGreek. Hot cheerleader is Anjuli Rodiriguez from the Denver Broncos. Scroll to the bottom if you want to skip to the Upset Special and the Lock of the Week.

OAKLAND +140 at Kansas City

See, this is what i was just talking about. KC is favored by 3, that right there is Vegas throwing up their hands, going with the home team and letting the action dictate where the line moves. Only problem is that the line hasn’t moved at all since the public is as befuddled as the pros on tihs one. Right now, people are on Oakland by around 58% after they didnt look like an XFL team on Monday night against the Chargers. The Chiefs also looked better than advertised, but they are still horrible. As a matter of fact, both teams are still QUITE horrible. Avoid this game at all costs, but if you want to make it interesting, just take the Raiders moneyline. The whole game is a risk, if you are that much of an action junkie, you might as well get a decent payout. If you bet this game, you have balls of steel…almost like mine. I have balls of tungsten carbide. Ask my wife.

Houston at TENNESSEE -6.5

Apparently the “dynamic” Texans’ offense only works when the not so dynamic Kevin Walter is in the lineup as they sucked a fat one last week without him. Houston’s D looks to be no better than last year, meanwhile the Titan’s running game is just getting warmed up and Kerry Collins looks like the 2nd coming of Kurt Warner (last season’s edition). No stopping the Titans this week. Not without the mighty Kevin Walter on the field for the Texans. Take the points, win your cash, buy yourself a baby to replace the one you sold last week while paying off your debts from my crap picks.

New England at NEW YORK JETS +3.5

Yeah, that’s right, i’m buying into the Rex Ryan hype machine. This guy is crazier than his dad ever was if he thinks that stoking the flames within the evil Bill Belichick and, America’s sweetheart, Tom Brady is an awesome idea…and I love it. I think its just crazy enough to work and I’m going to buy the hype by taking the home dog here. When I win, everyone that believed in me will receive a phone call from Chimp Rage giving thanks for all of your support…just like my man Rex Ryan did earlier in the week.

Cincinnati at GREEN BAY -9.5

Ok, so lets see if you were paying attention to anything I said last week. If you followed this advice, you won at least one game. And I quote “you shouldn’t really try to bet against the Pack at home. Sell your car, use that money to bet this game, win, and then buy yourself the car you really deserve bucko. Its a plan that can’t fail.” Do it again. Double your money and get two cars you deserve.

NEW ORLEANS +1 at Philadelphia

McNabb has a broken rib, Westbrook still is getting his feet wet after off-season surgery and Drew Brees has been replaced with an alien from the planet Krypton. Thats all you need to know here. Take the Saints and welcome our new alien ruler with opened arms…lest he throw a football through your chest.

Carolina at ATLANTA - 6.5

The Panthers would like a do-over from last week as they were witness to Jake Delhomme looking like the NFL equivalent of my father not having the physical ability to play me in video games anymore like with Madden 10 on the Xbox. “There are more buttons to push, too many! I meant to throw to Y! How can you play with 12 buttons to push at once? You only have 10 fingers!! This game moves so friggin fast what the hell? Who sees this fast? There are too many plays to learn, how can you remem-oh, OH SHI-why the fuck is this thing vibrating??? *Throws his 4th interception*” Take the Falcons…get an Xbox 360, find me online, challenge me to a game of Madden.

St. Louis at WASHINGTON -10

Yeah, my homer pick last week paid off as the Redskins barely covered the spread. This week, I am hoping my living in Homerland pays off again as I think the Redskins will cover a 10 point spread. Yes, this is an offense that typically averages around 17 points a game. I think 17 will be enough to cover a 10 point spread. Their D should easily be able to handle the wretched St. Louis offense and as long as something crazy like an offensive lineman catching a pass and fumbling the ball away doesn’t happen, I think the Redskins get this one easy. Take the Redskins, use your money to purchase some of those freaking yellow section Club seats so that gigantic hell-hole stadium doesn’t look half empty all the time.

ARIZONA +3.5 at Jacksonville

Ok so i’m a bit worried about Kurt Warner. He had offseason hip surgery. Yes, he is so old he had to have hip surgery. I’m not sure if i feel confident in someone with that kind of ailment being the leader of a football team. If San Francisco’s lackluster D can bottle up the Cardinals, I hope Jacksonville can at least slow them down and make them punt a few times. If that happens, they should put the ball in MJD’s hands and go nuts. All that being said. Even if Jacksonville wins this game, I can’t see em winning by a more than a field goal, and Arizona’s offense, even with a gimpy Warner, is too dominant to be held down for long. Take the Cards, they bounce back this week and you will too if you’re still reading these picks.

SEATTLE +1 at San Francisco

Not sure why people are sweating San Fran so much in this game. Their running game was horrible last week and their D wasn’t all that great either. Meanwhile all the Seahawks did was shut out one of the worst teams in football, doing it in somewhat impressive fashion…at least compared to last year’s Seahawks. Hasselbeck is healthier than Kurt Warner was, his team is as healthy as it was 2 years ago when they were a playoff squad, and he won’t let his team go down to the 49ers this week. Take out a small business loan, bet it on the Seahawks as the road dog, win so much money you can pay the loan back and still open up your own Starbucks franchise.

Tampa Bay at BUFFALO -5

Buffalo nearly beats the New England Patriots, on Monday night, on the road and they are only favored by 5 points against the offensive and defensively challenged Buccaneers in a Sunday afternoon game at home? Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. Walk, nay, run to your bookie or sportsbook and throw down all your money on this one. If you win, start your own wrestling organization like this lucky moron did.

Cleveland at Denver OVER 39

Yeah, Vegas doesn’t know who will win this and neither do I. What I do know is, neither team can run the ball better than they can throw it and neither team is particularly adept at rushing the passer or stopping the pass. I am just betting that there will be a lot of throwing going on here and with that a lot of clock stoppages, meaning more time on the clock to score points. Take the over and pray that Braylon Edwards and Brandon Marshall get their heads out of their respective asses quick enough so they can look up and catch a damn ball.

BALTIMORE +3 at San Diego

Baltimore still has a pretty sick defense and now they’ve apparently discovered a passing game to go with the 1-2 punch of Rice and McGahee at running back. If the Chargers struggled with the Raiders last week…how are they supposed to win this one? Take Baltimore and be happy you’re getting a 3 point cushion. If you want to be a man, take the Ravens money line at +145 and play without a safety net. When you win, take that special someone out on the town, they will deserve it for sticking with your degenerate ass.

NEW YORK GIANTS +3 at Dallas

Another total toss up. I am going with NY here since their defensive line should push Romo to do something incredibly stupid at some point in this game and that will be enough to sway the game in the Giants’ favor. Weak reasoning for sure. Its that much of a coin toss. The over/under didnt even inspire me. Take the Giants and hope that the better team prevails…or Dallas wins by a point or two.

INDIANAPOLIS -3 at Miami

If you think Manning will lose this game, then you and I have a difference of opinion. Miami could only muster 7 points against the Falcons’ defense and I dont think they will have any more success against the Colts’ average D. Indy’s offense will do just enough to win and you will close out your week with a nice wad of cash. Blow it all on hookers and crack and come back to do it again next week.

UPSET SPECIAL OF THE WEEK

Minnesota at DETROIT +10

This one smells like a trap to me. Minnesota should dominate this game in theory but the line for this game opened at 10 and stayed there, despite over 70% of the public placing bets on Minnesota to win. That means to me that the 30% of the other people are betting heavy on Detroit to make a game of this. If it smells like a trap, looks like a trap and has crazy ass Brett Favre in there to throw a random interception or two when he feels like he has a safe lead and can make a greedy play…take the points and the home team. If you happen to win this insane bet, you should go out, head to a casino and put all that money on red or black. It doesn’t matter which color. You obviously cannot lose.

LOCK OF THE WEEK

PITTSBURGH -3 at Chicago

The only reason Culter won’t throw 4 INTs in this game, like he did last week, is because the heart and soul of the Steelers D isn’t going to be around to play. With Polamalu out, Cutler will throw just 2 picks and the Bears will still lose. Karma is a bitch for Jay Cutler and he deserves to lose for the stunts he pulled in the offseason, but this 2 game losing streak wont last long for him as the Bears have a cakewalk schedule the rest of the way. For now though, take the Steelers and the points. Once you win, take your cash and visit Casey’s Draft House on the South Side. See that little guy on the right? He will pour a shot down your throat while standing on the bar, all for the right price of course. Come for the midget, leave when the racism and sexism gets a bit too much for ya.

Good luck peoples.

*Deuce of Davenport is only doing this column for entertainment purposes only, you’d be a fool to actually follow any of this advice and/or these picks. We accept no responsibility for anyone actually gambling with these picks.

It ain’t hard to tell when when you get no respect. Most people respected Rodney Dangerfield especially for the triple lindy. The same isn’t the case when it comes to the Detroit Lions. You know times are ill when announcers shit all over a team without mercy during a game. First game of the season and Chris Myers is already comparing the Lions to Whoopi Goldberg? Damn, it’s gonna be a long season.

Video: TMZ

By now, everyone should know the whole Ben Roethlisberger civil suit story, and if you dont go ahead and read this then come on back. Ok, now, everyone should also know that ESPN is purposefully not reporting on this news story, even releasing statements why they wont cover it, despite those statements being contradictory to what has been done by TWWL in the past. If you haven’t seen this discussion, read here and even here then come on back. After reading all that, I am sickened but not surprised by ESPN’s course of action here.

The utter arrogance on the network’s part to decide what is and what is not news is inexcusable. It begs the question about what kind of racial bias the network has, it brings to mind what kinds of corporate biases the network has with all of its partnership deals with the very sports they cover and the advertisers they have, and it brings to mind whether or not the network should even be as huge and powerful as they are.

They have no problem reporting about a dead for over 2 weeks Steve McNair’s blood alcohol content, for no reason whatsoever since he was the one who was murdered, but when the Super Bowl winning quarterback get sued for sexual assault, this is not considered news. When a former super bowl winning wide-receiver gets sued in a civil suit for injuries sustained during a shootout, ESPN was all over it…but not for Roethlisberger’s sexual assault civil suit.

What gives? ESPN owes everyone a real explanation here. They dropped the ball. Big time. Especially considering that every other news establishment felt that this story was actual news.

Thank goodness I have (some of) my fellow bloggers there to give me the straight news, without the filters that ESPN seems to have. I’ve long since given up going to ESPN for news for various reasons, including those listed above, but obviously most of America has not and ESPN owes it to its viewers to report the news not through ESPN colored glasses.

Or hey, maybe ESPN is right and everyone is wrong. I mean, no one could possibly believe that Ben Roethlisberger would ever be out of control…right?