Michael Jordan has way too much money. He’s the colonel of the muthafuckin’ tank. I wouldn’t be surprised if he bought Master P’s platinum tank from the Make ‘Em Say Uhh video. I’m sure Percy needs the money for his brother’s bail or the And 1 tour bus that’s stuck outside of Biloxi.

Speaking of Cash Money (M period Fresh comma, your wife is my baby mama) and No Limit, why hasn’t anyone suggested a merger? I’m sure the FTC, FCC, FICA or Freddie Foxx wouldn’t have a problem with these corporations combining forces like the Constructicons, Construda or whatever. There would be so much flossin’, there wouldn’t be a single cavity in Louisiana. I digress.

You know who else is impressed by MJ’s holdings besides his wife? Charles Barkley.

“You have to look at it two ways,” Barkley, now an analyst for TNT, said. ” ‘Wow, that’s a lot of money. Wow, that’s a lot of money.’ Then the second way, ‘Damn, Michael’s got a lot of money.’ … Personally I would have to have somebody else write the check. You’ve got to be so [ticked] to write that check.”

Chimp Rage brought you the $168 million story last Monday. It doesn’t matter how you look at it. That’s a shitload of money. Sir Charles is probably thinking about all the bets he could throw down with that stash. Think how great it would be to roll with him and all that money. You could think of any bet and actually make it happen.

“I wonder if Kelly Osborne could eat a snow leopard before it eats her?”
“Sheeeit, only one way to find out! To the A380!”

There’s no question Sir Charles would end up going out like Steve Fossett. It would probably be on a quest in Australia to find out how many Tasmanian Devils it would take to bring down Oliver Miller.

Michael Jordan’s divorce is final and the bill is in…MJ is set to pay his ex-wife Juanita Jordan 168 million dollars in what appears to be the most expensive break-up ever. According to the Times UK, the final settlement includes their 7 acre Chicago estate and custody of their 3 children. In ranking the top 5 celebrity divorces, the Times has Jordan as #1, next to Neil Diamond’s $150+ million gut-wrencher.

So…when do you think that you’ll be seeing ole number 23 checking into a Charlotte Bobcats game? He’s gotta make that $168 million back somehow and it’s not gonna be done playing poker, blackjack and golf for cash. Selling those 100 dollar shoes will only go so far. I think the best way to get start recouping his losses is to start up a reality TV show called “Be Like Mike” where he and Charles Oakley teach a group of young men how to be an ultra-competitive, out of control gambling, out of their prime athletes bent on banging as many white women as possible while still defying the odds and somehow not contracting the HIV virus like their boy Magic.

It’l work I tell you. Don’t be like Mike…sign a prenup that is actually in your favor. Dumbass.

Link to the Times UK Story

Tiger Tiger Woods y’all hates him some cripples. Either that or he hates golf carts. Either way, Casey Martin’s not playing a round at Tiger’s new golf course anytime soon.

Tiger is designing his first golf course in the mountains of North Carolina near Asheville. This comes on the heels of the first year of his successful golf tournament the Chocolate City Classic officially known as the AT&T National. The course named The Cliffs of North Carolina will not allow carts “which Woods said was key to the deal”.

The 31-year-old said he will gradually grow his design business, selecting projects that fit within his crowded schedule.

But he pledged to come to the site as often as necessary to get the job done right.

“As you know, I’m kind of a perfectionist,” Woods said.

Tiger should talk to his boy Michael Jordan about showing up to the job. Maybe he’d keep jobs longer and not draft donkeys like Kwame Brown and Adam Morrison. Then again, Morrison does have a sweet ass molestache.

Say it ain’t so, Bron Bron. Who thought LeBron James would end up supporting Sudanese president al-Bashir and the evil Janjaweed?

James refused to sign an open letter to the Chinese government written by fellow Cav Ira Newble protesting China’s role in the Darfur genocide. Damon Jones didn’t sign it either because he said he didn’t have enough information about the matter but James refused to comment. Guess the Sudanese buy shoes too.

Check this pic of Ira. I haven’t had this feeling since I found out that Troy O’Leary is black and Khalil Green is white.

We here at the Deuce love women and booze…but apparently not as much as Michael Jordan’s boys.

Yea thats Mike’s 16 year old boy there passed out in his own puke. Mediatakeout.com has somehow gotten a hold of wonderful photos of these underage lads enjoying the fruits of their father’s labor…and a lot of booze. They are underage and OUT OF CONTROL! Its Jordans GONE WILD!!! Click on over to their page for more photos such as this one. OR

Pictures from MediaTakeOut.com