From a Deuce reader:

Man City to make GBP50m bid for Newcastle United supporters

Premier League billionaires Manchester City have today launched an
audacious bid for the entire fan base of recently relegated Newcastle
United. The unexpected move has come as part of City’s plans to be
the best supported club in the world, and the so-called ‘Best
Supporters In The World’ have provided a logical starting point. The
move will see each of Newcastle United’s 50,000 ‘regulars’ offered
GBP1,000 to change their allegiances to Manchester City.

Our competitive advantage is our financial position, and we will buy
anything and everything we feel will help us improve this football
club. Said City boss Mark Hughes. Securing the Newcastle United fans
offers us a great opportunity to improve our position as the best
supported club in the league They have just the sort of experience
we’re looking for, in that they’ve enjoyed fleeting periods of great
expectation followed almost immediately by abject failure, which will
be useful to us in the next two years.

Unlimited funds

Hughes continued, We’ll happily pay top dollar for supporters who
will blindly follow their team and defend them as the greatest in the
world in the face of over-whelming evidence to the contrary. And in
that respect, the Geordies really are second to none. The Newcastle
fans, who will not be subjected to a medical, are expected to have a
‘fully clothed at all times’ clause inserted into their Man City
contracts. A Newcastle spokesperson said that although the move has
come at a bad time for them, the entire fee will be used to rebuild
the supporter base into a slimmer, better looking unit which they
hope will be ‘the envy of the Championship’ .

Noel Gallagher of Oasis has some interesting things to say about his favorite soccer team. Man City’s number one fan** sat down with Football365 and discussed the state of the team. Topics included their newly found riches and the prospects for the upcoming Premier League season. Here are some highlights:

On wishing for the “good old days”:

No. I’m absolutely loving it, and if you ask 99.9% of City fans they would say the same. I’m sick of supporting loveable, affable City - fuck that, we want the best players in the world, playing the best football in the world in the best stadium in the world, owned by the richest people in the world.

On being worried about high player wages:

If the club was a PLC and it was my money being spent on wages then yes, I’d be mighty pissed off. But it’s not my money, it’s not your money, and what right has anyone to tell anyone what to spend their money on? As City fans we’re absolutely fucking loving it.

On Citeh’s prospects for the upcoming season:

I think with no European commitments we can go all out in the Premier League. I don’t think we can challenge for the title but I expect us to finish between fourth and sixth. I think if Mark Hughes can’t pull this off, then he’s only got himself to blame.

Many of Gallagher’s views echo the sentiments of Chelsea supporters (myself included) when Roman Abramovich bought the club and saved it from likely bankruptcy. He makes a point that Chelsea fans have made when challenged on becoming a “big club”.

There’s a funny English attitude where almost overnight, attitudes change. I’ve lived in London for 15 years and every time I got in a black cab they’ve said, “Oh you’re a City fan, we love City,” and now they all think we’re arrogant with ideas above our station. It’s a funny English attitude towards success and money.

People hate it when anyone new comes in and threatens to upset the old order namely being Manchester United, Liverpool and Arsenal. Man City are no different than Chelsea in that sense. Gallagher should also note the drawbacks to wealthy owners who often see their teams as fantasy teams and stop listening to sensible advice. Maybe he’ll come back to earth when he sees that money doesn’t solve everything in football. Money is to football as alcohol is to life. It’s the cause of and solution to all problems.

Gallagher didn’t manage to keep it together for the whole interview. He claims that no player will ever match Stephen “Fucking Brilliant” Ireland. Keep in mind this is the same Stephen Ireland who bailed on Ireland by falsely claiming that his grandmother died. Let’s not even talk about Man City and Real Madrid being the two most exciting teams in the world. The thought of putting Barry, Tevez, Adebayor and Santa Cruz up against Real’s new signings or Barcelona among others is absurd.

**We have to think Ricky Hatton’s been demoted behind Noel and Liam Gallagher after getting whupped by the Mexicutioner.

You might remember Manchester City and former Ireland international Stephen Ireland from such episodes as lying about both of his grandmothers dying to get out of international duty. You can now add douchebag to liar and quitter.

Ireland has a thing for the pink but it’s not what you think. He loves him some pink trim on his … cars. Check out his old ride which he just traded in for something a little better.

If you’re one of those people who has to know what your favorite or most hated footballer drives, you can find out here. It’s surprising that Cashley Cole doesn’t drive a Gremlin because it reminds him of the movie which was super cool.

Let’s see if Noel Gallagher is laughing now. Citeh’s attempt to out-Chelsea Chelsea just ran into a wall. The newly rich club has been attempting to feel the fiber of Kaka’s (AC Milan/Brazil) fabric to the tune of £100million. The whole thing just blew up after his negotiating team got pissed at Man City’s tactics.

The Kaka to Man City rumors have been flying around ever since the team was bought by Sheikh Mansour bin Zayed Al Nahyan of Dubai. Money is no limit and the new owners want to show that by making Kaka the centerpiece of their new team which they hope will challenge the Big 4 for domestic and international supremacy. Too bad Kaka wants no part of it.

The Daily Mail reports that Kaka (who might love Jesus more than Kurt Warner) turned down a reported offer of £500,000 per week to stay with AC Milan.

‘All the messages coming my way said to choose with my heart and at the end that’s what the choice was. It was absolutely not about economics. At the end what counted was my history, where my ties are and where my heart really lies.’

Milan owner (and Italian Prime Minister) Silvio Berlusconi expressed relief at Kaka’s decision. That surely has nothing to do with the fact that the fans were losing their minds and holding candlelight vigils in front of the striker’s house pleading for him to stay. Berlusconi may have taken flak from the fans but £100 million goes a long way towards buying several players under 40 or paying off judges to give you immunity from prosecution.

Citeh has egg on its face and to make things worse, fellow Brazilian Robinho has gone AWOL. He was already demanding that the team get Kaka or he would leave. He had another bust-up with manager Mark Hughes and now the team can’t locate him. Chelsea manager Phil Scolari has the hots for him (but not in a Wenger kind of way). He was furious when Chelsea missed out on him last August and he still would love to add him to the squad especially in light of the team’s recent form.

If Chelsea somehow manage to pry Robinho away from Citeh, I will be first in line to get the Robinho Number TBC jersey. It’s either that or an Abramovich jersey with a pound sign under the name. Straight cash homey.

Robinho shouldn’t get too upset. He may have signed for the wrong Manchester team by accident but they are making moves in spite of Kakagate. All-purpose asshole Craig Bellamy was just purchased for £14million from West Ham. Manager Gianfranco Zola is laughing all the way to the bank along with the rest of England. Who knows if the deal is truly dead but this debacle can’t make Citeh owners happy.

There’s been quite an stir in Manchester since the Abu Dhabi Oil Concern swooped in and bought Manchester City from everyone’s favorite human rights advocate and former non-corrupt Thai Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra. Unlike Roman Abramovich at Chelsea, City’s owners wasted little time in addressing their fans about their plans for the club.

Fuck a five-year plan. When you’re richer than astronauts, it’s all about the one-year plan. Now that’s change you can believe in.

In the words of the New York Blues godfather, “Chelsea’s arrogance has slapped them in the chops again and [Chelsea Chief Executive Peter] Kenyon deserves it”. While most of us Americans were enjoying Labor Day BBQs, Chelsea was taking some major bukkake courtesy of Real Madrid and Manchester City.

The Robinho transfer saga finally ended with the Brazilian headed to the City of Manchester Stadium for £32.5million instead of Stamford Bridge. He said he wanted to go to Chelsea and was fighting for Real to let it happen. He even called a press conference in Madrid to reiterate his desire to move to to London.

Chelsea was so sure of the deal that they started selling Robinho shirts (see above) in their Megastore even before the deal was complete. As one might imagine, this infuriated Real who turned around and sold him to Man City.

You ask where the hell did Man City get the money considering owner and ex-Thai prime minister Thaksin Shinawatra’s money is tied up and he’s on the run. He’s no longer the owner and Man City is now richer than Nazis. The club was bought by the Abu Dhabi United Group for Development and Investment. The group will be represented on the board by Dr. Sulaiman Al Fahim who is only 30 years old. That’s right. 30 fucking years old. He’s ranked as the 16th most powerful Arab and has his own Apprentice show. In case you think Al Fahim is playing, Man City also bid on Dmitar Berbatov, David Villa and Mario Gomez today. Things just got a lot more interesting in the Premiership.

What’s there to say about Newcastle midfielder Joey Barton? He’s currently serving a six-month sentence for an assault outside of a Liverpool McDonalds. I don’t think his victim was lovin’ it.

If you lost count, Barton punched the guy 20 times. This wasn’t his first run-in with the law. We detailed his rap sheet last year when news broke of his beatdown of former Manchester City teammate Ousmane Dabo. He changed his plea and admitted assaulting Dabo in court yesterday.

Barton and Dabo confronted each other after a row during a training match, the court was told.

Dabo, 31, was said to have felt intimidated that Barton had invaded his personal space as he shouted and swore at him.

The Frenchman pushed his shoulder with both hands and Barton retaliated by punching him in the head, causing the Frenchman to fall over and lose consciousness.

Mr Vardon said several witnesses said Barton continued to punch Dabo while he lay on top of the player, who was in a dazed state.

One player, Georgios Samaras, said he had never seen such a violent incident on a training pitch in all his career, the prosecutor added.

Barton will be sentenced today. Hopefully he’ll rot in a cell with his degenerate brother who’s serving a 17-year sentence for participating in an ax murder. Not that I feel strongly about it or anything.

Not quite as catchy as “Hey Wenger, leave those kids alone!” but it works. Manchester City fans have been singing in protest of manager Sven-Goran Eriksson’s seemingly imminent departure from the City of Manchester Stadium following the end of the season and a post-season Asian tour.

City owner and ex-human rights abuser Thaksin Shinawatra is reportedly pushing Eriksson out due to “lack of results”. The team is in a better position than they were last year and they look to be headed to the UEFA Cup through the Fair Play award. Expectations of a Champions League place in his first season were unrealistic if not crazy. There’s no question City is a team on the rise under Eriksson.

It’s not clear who Shinawatra expects to fill the position should the rumors be true. Portugal manager “Big Phil” Scolari has already distanced himself from reports linking him to the job. He will be lucky to find anyone better than Eriksson out on the market. The players are considering a revolt. There’s talk of the players boycotting the Asian tour in protest of Eriksson’s firing. He has the support of the fans and players in addition to results so this move makes no sense.

There’s another disturbing aspect to this story that doesn’t make any sense. Noel Gallagher of Oasis is making sense about Shinawatra.

Wait until Liam gets involved. Thaksin should be scared. Very scared.

Goldie says “Rawr!”. While Oscar was off being dominated and working the hell out of some fishnets (I’ll never look at them the same again), Floyd Mayweather Jr. was trying to man up in England. He was probably worried about how he’d look dancing in seaquins on Dancing with the Stars. He’s definitely in the clear now.

Mayweather was given a big “Who Are Ya?” in Manchester while promoting his upcoming fight with Ricky Hatton. He wore a Manchester United jersey in order to piss off Hatton’s fans. Hatton is a declared Manchester City supporter. Not quite as good as wearing the sombrero while entering the ring against de la Hoya but strong nonetheless. It’s the attention to detail.

Sky Sports News was there to cover the hero’s welcome.

I don’t know about you but I can’t wait until the press conference of the Mayweather-de la Hoya rematch. It’s hard to believe that Mayweather hasn’t been all over Goldiegate.

Photo: Courtesy of SportsByBrooks and X17.

So we’ll try to make this soccer roundup a regular Wednesday feature. Don’t think that means we’re a thing … cause we’re not. Let’s just see where this goes. Don’t look at me like that. Come on girl. You know we can’t get much better.

Let Me Be The First To Welcome Our New Masters

The pace of foreigner buying Premiership teams has picked up considerably in the past months. Ex-Thai prime minister Thaksin Shinawatra is still sniffing around Manchester City like a dog going for the ball check. Arsenal is holding off American Stan Kroenke with the Heisman like an ugly girl at the club. Hong Kong businessman Carson Yeung has had less drama and has managed to purchase 29.9% of Birmingham City’s shares from several directors such as sex shop and porn kings David Sullivan and the Gold Brothers.

A complete takeover isn’t a guarantee but it could still happen. One has to think 29.9% of all shares entitles Yeung to whatever sex toys and porno mags he finds at St. Andrews. This sets up the awesome possibility of Yeung beating Mikael Forssell senseless with a 12-inch black dildo a la Hatchet Harry when he comes off injured for the 436th time.

There’s A Joke In Here Somewhere

Poland and Ukraine are hosting the 2012 Euro tournament. Yeah, let that sink in for a minute. One of the problems is that the current stadiums and roads are in poor condition. To top that off, many construction workers have emigrated to western Europe for better paying jobs. Problem? No problem, my best sincerity friend!

Ain’t nobody talkin’ when I’m talkin’ so shut the fuck up. Poland is considering using prisoners to build the necessary stadiums and roads.

Pawel Nasilowski, deputy head of Poland’s prison service, said it could form part of a European Union-funded programme to rehabilitate prisoners.

Sometimes the jokes write themselves. That’s all I’m saying. I’m off to Poland in August and the last thing I need is bad karma (mmmm chicken korma) or a posse comitatus released on my ass. Oh we’re big in Poland. We’re also huge in Niger, Bhutan and Pitcairn Island (mmmm incest).

There’s Only One God Called Xenu

Don’t be surprised if you start finding Dianetics on your seat at your next LA Galaxy game. The New Zealand Herald reports that David Beckham’s prime homey Tom Cruise is considering an $80M takeover of the Galaxy.

The article is “surprisingly” short on details but it does raise the possibility of halftime rants about the dangers of anti-psychotic drugs given by Cruise and John Travolta. Perhaps our mini-demigod can help Landycakes get over his fear of European soccer.