Kwame Brown has reunited with the man that originally drafted him and subsequently emotionally stripped him, Michael Jordan, by signing a new contract with the Charlotte Bobcats. Michael Jordan is the majority owner of the ‘Cats and Kwame is now his employee. This right here is a shining beacon to formerly abusive relationships everywhere, if at first you don’t succeed, try try again.

You see, its tough to get past the whole “I abused you relentlessly” thing. Look at Chris Brown and Rhianna for example. They couldn’t get past their prior abusive relationship to give things another go in the present. Michael and Kwame though, see they know better, nay, they ARE better than mere mortals. Apparently they can get past those errors in judgment.

When Kwame first got into the league, he was a naive young boy. Jordan took him under his tutelage and made him a MAN. An emotionally crippled and useless seven footer on the court, but a man nonetheless. Jordan accomplished this by constantly tearing Kwame down to his emotional bare bones, at least that’s what Scoop Jackson said in this 2005 ESPN page 2 article.  Let us quote liberally:

Sticks and stones can paralyze the most immortal of men, but these words – they stripped Kwame Brown of ever having a chance to be or find himself as a basketball player and as a person.

***

“Flaming … ” That was the first word. One of life’s other “f” words followed. It came in succession. It came from Michael Jordan’s mouth. The words never reached Kwame Brown’s ears, they went straight to his heart.

In Jordan’s quest to build the next him while he was in charge and out of retirement in D.C., he broke Kwame Brown down to the very last compound. Emotionally and psychologically killed his spirit.

Want to know what that 2nd “F word” was that Jordan used against Kwame? Lets go back to an article by the Washington Post’s Michael Lehay from 2003 recounting Jordan’s last season with the Wizards (only accessible through the Post’s archives) and some more of the emotional abuse he laid upon Kwame.

As always, he reserved his harshest criticisms for 21-year-old Kwame Brown, at whom, a year earlier, he had screamed, “Flaming faggot,” when Brown complained as a rookie about being fouled in an intrasquad game.

***

But Jordan and other Wizards officials were swayed by Georgia high school senior Brown’s abilities after he dominated another highly touted prep player, Tyson Chandler, during a private one-on-one competition. But now Jordan was tired of waiting for Brown to get better.

For his part, Brown said the right things: “Anyone can learn from Michael” if that “player listens.” But, privately, Brown reeled under Jordan’s and Collins’s criticism off and on for two seasons now, desperate to receive a slice of the encouragement Jordan had lavished on him during Brown’s golden days. On many nights, he had gone from wunderkind to waste. Despairing, Brown began to seek counsel from other teammates, notably Stackhouse, who could provide solace but little else, suffering beneath the weight of his own disappointments and, like Brown, having nowhere to turn.

Wow. So now things are better between them? I mean, its cool that Kwame can turn the other cheek after Jordan helped  to ruin any chance he had at meeting his potential as a number one pick and turning him into an emotional basket-case. I wonder if Jordan is going to be any better this second go around?

Who knows, maybe Jordan has changed. Sure he’s not going to be near Kwame as much as when he was a player or general manager, but they are going to have to interact with each other at various points throughout the season. No way that goes wrong, right? When has getting back together with your abuser ever gone wrong? We all know that leopards can change their spots…oh wait they can’t? Well damn. In that case, maybe this ISN’T a good thing and I am horribly wrong about this.

This $1.3 million veterans minimum contract  Kwame got is really just Jordan saying “I’m sorry baby, have a million bucks on me, it’l never happen again baby, I just lost my cool back in 2002. It’l never happen again.”

Yeah right.

Having to play 3 games in 4 days was tough for the Orlando Magic and it showed in their loss to the undermanned Detroit Pistons last night, 98-94, but the real culprit behind the loss might have been the fact that a bunch of them were praying for their lives and puking their guts out last night.

The team plane taking the players to Detroit on Sunday seemed to encounter a bit of turbulence, like about 40 minutes of turbulence, the Orlando Sentinel notes. It was so rough, the flight crew told the team to use the shoulder harnesses if their seats had them…if not, oh well. Here’s some quotes from the team:

Coach Stan Van Gundy said several players vomited and he quipped, “I was about one bump away.”
PG Tyronn Lue said, “It was unbelievable. Man, I was like, ‘I’m going to be like John Madden and take the bus.”’
“That was the worst flight I’ve ever been on,” veteran PG Rafer Alston said. “Forty straight minutes of turbulence.”

As if these guys don’t have it rough enough, shuttling across the country for a rough stretch of games, but they had to deal with that. That kind of flight would knock anyone off their game, even Dwight Howard who, despite tallying 27 points, did the unforgivable and allowed Kwame Brown to drop 10 points on his ass. His shame is real.

The Detroit Pistons have no interest in winning the next two seasons. Hopefully they have cases of French dressing on hand.

Those screams and yells you hear outside is not from the bum fight that might occurring in the alley outside your window right now, no, those are the collective hoots and hollers from athletes around the globe celebrating the release of this interview from Kansas University sports physician Sean Cupp who states that sex before a game doesn’t hinder an athlete’s in game performance. HELL YEA!

“Basically, the best way to continue positive performance outcomes would be to not change your pre-game ritual,” Cupp said.“The long-standing myth that athletes should practice abstinence before important competitions may stem from the theory that sexual frustration leads to increased aggression, and that the act of ejaculation draws testosterone from the body.”

Carl Inzerillo, a sports medicine specialist at Inzerillo Family Practice agrees:

“It seems to help because it relaxes you,” said “Number one, they get a good night’s sleep. Number two, it takes their mind off the competition. Number three, it increases testosterone.”

If you thought there was an epidemic of bastard athlete’s children already then you’d better watch out now! Shawn Kemp, Evander Hollyfield and Derrick Thomas were ahead of their time. They knew what it took to be a top flight professional athlete. This is just what Kwame Brown needs to get over the hump I think. He’d better get to some sexin!

From Kansan.com

If the NBA was run like a fantasy league, both trades involving Kwame Brown would have been vetoed by every team in the league and the person who owned him would be subjected to a Zimbabwe level of abuse for attempting such a thing. However this is real life and apparently anything like lopsided Kwame Brown trades fly in the NBA.

The Miami Herald reports that the Heat could be interested in acquiring Brown as a free agent. They could offer him a bucket of shrimp that’s been sitting on Collins Ave for three weeks but they would probably have better luck offering him some French dressing.

Brown must have pictures of Pat Riley in a compromising position. Why else would the Heat be interested in signing him? Agent Mark Bertelstein claims to have talked to the Heat about Brown (who is his client) as well as Jannero Pargo and Roger Mason who recently signed with the Spurs. Maybe Brown is being offered as part of a package deal for Pargo. Maybe the Heat could have sign Brown just so he can get with Star Jones. It’s probably easier for Dwyane Wade to refocus and get back to being good if her crab ass isn’t around. I’m going with that theory.

Cheese dip and grape Kool-Aid? Really, dude?

Imagine Tyrell Johnson and Kwame Brown at a Michelin-starred restaurant. Gold.