Ay Dios mio. We just stumbled across this…this…abortion dropped by former Manchester United star Andy Cole in 1999. It’s his debut and hopefully last music single called Outstanding. Hopefully, that’s supposed to be ironic. This stinks so bad it could “knock a buzzard off a crap wagon from 100 yards”.

Outstanding didn’t even break the UK Top 40. Hopefully Sir Alex gave him the hairdryer treatment for making others suffer through this.

This video got me wondering what other footballers got their music on and whether they fared better than Andy Cole. I managed to pull some “old and busted” together for you. Thank me later.

First up is Diamond Lights by Glenn Hoddle and Chris Waddle from 1987. Glenn Hoddle will always have a special place in my heart. I can’t remember if it’s for starting the Chelsea evolution from also-rans to contenders or his views on the disabled.

Diamond Lights charted at No. 12 on the UK charts. “Not a bad song. Not a good song either.” You have to love Hoddle forgetting to lip sync at 2:42.

The next entry is the English Super Bowl Shuffle known as the Anfield Rap. Liverpool recorded this before the 1988 FA Cup Final. I have no idea why teams don’t record FA Cup Final songs anymore. The songs were always shit but good for a laugh especially when you hated the team.

Geordie boys do anything including “suck sickly sausage rolls” according to Gazza. Paul Gascoigne recorded Fog on the Tyne with Lindsfarne. I certainly don’t want to make fun of alcoholism but maybe seeing this had something to do with his incredible decline from being the future of English football to the sad mess he is today.

Who Ate All The Pies lets you compare the original to the Gazzafied version. We have to agree that the Gazza version is actually miles ahead of the original.

Here’s another Geordie offering from Newcastle manager Kevin Keegan. Doubt he’ll ever sing this to Dennis Wise.

Think Alan Shearer’s going to let Gazza and Keegan take all the glory. Hell no. Here’s the former Newcastle captain singing an emotionless All Night Long. I think Lionel Richie’s job is safe. Yeah jambo jambo!!

Los Angeles Galaxy GM Alexi Lalas is more of an acoustic kind of guy. Here he sings Goodnight Moon. I wonder if this was part of his sales pitch to Goldenballs.

I’ll close this post out on a high note with Fulham midfielder Clint “Deuce” Dempsey who happens to be my favorite US player not just because he shares a name with this blog. You might remember his most recent offering on Setanta. Here’s Don’t Tread with Big Hawk. America, fuck yeah.

If these aren’t enough for you, enjoy the musical stylings of Ruud Gullit, Terry Venables (that’s El Tel to you) and Blackburn’s Morten Gamst Pedersen.

** I just came across this Who Ate All The Pies post listing the top 10 rapping footballers. Enjoy.

Clint Dempsey’s got a lot of nerve calling himself Deuce but we wholeheartedly approve. Ollie from Who Ate All The Pies beat us to this piece on Deuce. He’s becoming one of our favorite American players for his game on and off the pitch. Check out his freestyle skills as he flows over an official Setanta beatbox.

Setanta has to get him and The Special One together.

Greetings! Glory be to the famous CFC. This post will be the first in a weekly series bringing you biased news and unsubstantiated rumors from the world of soccer. For those of you not in the know, here’s an article describing roasting along with its connection to Dyer. Just set it and forget it like Ronco, girl! Anyway, let’s get to it.

Barcodes Sign The Gooch

Rejoice America. No longer will the world fear our military (outside of Iraq) and mock our stars as they make asses of themselves in leagues abroad or in international competition. Dyer’s team Newcastle United has signed Oguchi Onyewu a.k.a. The Gooch on loan from Standard Liege of Belgium.

There’s no way he won’t convince manager Glen Roeder to make the deal permanent. He’ll be playing alongside or for Titus Bramble who could possibly be the worst defender in the history of the universe.

The Gooch was one of the few bright spots for the US during the World Cup and he was previously linked with Chelsea, Manchester United (manUre) and Marseille. He joins other Americans doin’ their thing in the Premiership such as Brian McBride, Brad Friedel, Clint Dempsey, Tim Howard and Jay DeMerit. Make us proud and leave Arnold alone, Gooch. Feel free to kick the shit out of that red-headed stepchild Sam or Paul Dickov.

A sidenote for all you DC area peoples. Gooch is from Olney, MD so maybe he’ll come back and play for DC United when he winds his international career.

Rafa Buys More Mantonios

Liverpool manager Rafael Benitez is on the verge of making three signings before the close of the transfer window later today. To everyone’s surprise, all three players are from Spanish-speaking countries. It’s rumored that he bought them for their flowing locks, lack of consistency and appreciation of Rioja.

Javier Mascherano has been cleared by FIFA to sign and play for Liverpool so expect to see him stealing hubcaps and radios in the next few days.

Primadonovan Still Sucks

The recent transfers of Josh Wolff (1860 Munich) and Clint Dempsey (Fulham) to Europe reinforce the fact that Landon Donovan is still a bitch and has no business being US captain let alone playing for the US. The Deuce bets he can’t wait until Becks shows up in LA so he can finally learn how to wear a sari.

The transfer window closes today so the Deuce will provide updates if anyone worth talking about makes a move.