It’s been a minute since we’ve posted a soccer roundup. John Terry was the inspiration the Deuce needed. We’re ready to go like a 17year old girl in the back of JT’s Bentley. Let’s do this!

The Undertaker Likes To Pay For His Souls

Poor Avram Grant. He lead Chelsea to the Champions League final only to be unceremoniously bounced by owner Roman Abramovich. He landed on his feet at Portsmouth this season knowing he was going to have a rough time saving them from relegation. Unfortunately no one warned him about the clusterfuck also known as Pompey’s finances. A man might want to blow off some steam when his employer can’t pay him and wants to sell his best players.

The Sun is confirming what many including the Deuce suspected about a report describing a Premier League manager’s trip to a brothel in December. Avram Grant has been named as the manager under suspicion.

He is alleged to have smiled when admitting knowing the building was a brothel before speeding off in a car.

The manager, who is reputed to earn over £1million a year, apparently made no attempt to hide his identity.

He is said to have previously been seen outside the parlour, which uses Thai and other Far Eastern massage girls, in October when he also spent more than an hour inside.

Ain’t no shame in Avram’s game. He would have been better off rolling with Vanessa Perroncel instead of some Thai hookers in an industrial park. It’s the Chelsea way.

Revenge Is A Dish Best Served Sympathetically

We hate to come back to Terrygate so soon. That’s not true. It’s awesome. No new details since yesterday however we noted a potential landmine on the side that has the potential to blow up into another Chelsea/England scandal…if we’re lucky.

All the attention in this scandal has been on John Terry and his road beef. What about the real victim? Wayne Bridge. The defender has been left to fend for himself in Manchester or has he? The Telegraph reports that Ashley “Cashley” Cole’s wife Cheryl has been comforting Bridge in his time of need. Uh oh…

Cashley is a current Chelsea teammate of Terry’s and also plays for England with both players. Miss Cashley has a career of her own as a host on X Factor and mediocre singer. She’s also known for being in a similar position as Bridge when her man cheated on her after a drunken night on the town in 2008. She feels Bridge’s pain. No one’s saying she’s feeling more than that but it would be a perfect opportunity for her to exact some revenge on Cashley for his transgressions. It’s unlikely since he’s known as one of the nice guys in the game and she grudgingly took her man back. Probably not worth staying tuned but you never know.

Sir David Attenborough Takes On The Premier League

If you haven’t seen Life of Mammals or Life of Birds, you’re missing out on some nature excellence. David Attenborough has presented more nature specials than you’ll ever see. I got the British version of Planet Earth because he does the narration. While most of the specials are top notch, they don’t begin to compare to his work on Premier League players and managers. Take a gander at this excerpt.

“This extraordinary creature is half-blind…” Brilliant. It’s funny because it’s true.

England manager Fabio Capello called Wayne Bridge to tell him that John Terry had lost the England captain’s armband. He asked him to look under his bed. Bam!

The terrace chants, songs and jokes are heating up as more details begin to emerge from Terrygate. The latest reports may actually help Terry save his job as captain. What could save his armband besides proof that he didn’t have an affair with the former nightclub worker? It turns out that he wasn’t the only Chelsea player to have a go at Bridgey’s ex.

The Sun reports that former players Eidur Gudjohnsen, Adrian Mutu and one unnamed player also ran up in Perroncel while she was working at a nightclub frequented by Chelsea players. Terry’s just getting sloppy fifths. Gudjohnsen allegedly warned Bridge about Perroncel’s super-WAG/ho-ish intentions but he didn’t listen. Whoa, hold up…

The Mail claims that the number is up to seven as two CURRENT Chelsea players have been identified as also being Perroncel dick bandits. They remain unnamed for now. Don’t be surprised to learn that mascot Stamford the Lion also made sweet love to her.

Bridge might want to consider a paternity test to make sure he’s the father of their child. This sounds like a job for Maury. 

British tabloids are bloody outraged over John Terry’s alleged affair with former Chelsea and current England teammate Wayne Bridge’s ex-girlfriend, Vanessa Perroncel. Commentators are screaming for his head like al-Shabab. They want him removed as England captain yesterday. What’s England manager Fabio Capello to do?

Terry is accused of giving the Double D to Perroncel not soon after they broke up. It’s alleged that he not only slept with her but also knocked her up. The England and Chelsea captain is married with two children. Sticky situation but it’s not all bad. He was man enough to pay for the abortion. Problem solved, yes? Hell no.

Stories of the affair came to light when tabloid News of the World took pictures of the Chelsea and England captain leaving Perroncel’s house in his Bentley. Terry sought and received a superinjunction to prevent the story’s publication. Legal fail. The high court overturned it and the story quickly became a superclusterfuck when it was splashed across the front page of every major paper in the UK.

Normally the private lives of athletes and other famous people should stay as such in spite of the media and general public’s obsession with every detail of their idols’ lives. The Deuce always respects th….Never mind. Is this situation different? Terry is supposed to lead England in their World Cup campaign. It’s rumored that Bridge won’t travel to South Africa if Terry remains captain or even on the team depending which reports one believes. There are also claims that Terry isn’t the only professional footballer to get a professional from Perroncel. This could get messier before it gets better for the involved parties.

Instead of hiring a PR representative, Terry should take some advice from South African president, Jacob Zuma. He just fathered his 20th child with the daughter of friend, Sonono Khoza. There ain’t no shame in his game. He has multiple children from seven women which include his “current three wives” as well as various other women. The Khoza family wasn’t pleased and sought discussions over “inhlawulo, the customary Zulu damages payable when a child is born out of wedlock”. Problem solved? Yes.

Khoza is the chairman of the South Africa’s World Cup organizing committee. You think Zuma’s love child is going to blow up the biggest sporting event in the world? No way. Is anyone talking about Zuma stepping down from the presidency? Of course not. Bill Clinton was president of the wrong country.

England needs to tighten up. Terry isn’t the first pro athlete to cheat or knock someone up and he won’t be the last. No doubt the situation is ugly for the involved parties. It makes for juicy gossip and speculation but it shouldn’t threaten England’s chances at the World Cup. There will be hundreds of excuses to choose from when they inevitably choke. This drama should be handled internally by Capello and his decision should be respected. The FA and British govermnent should keep their noses out of it. They’ve made it apparent over the years that they have no clue what they’re doing when it comes to soccer. The team is ultimately Capello’s responsibility. It might be worth talking to Sven as he has experience with handling these types of situations from every angle. Know what I’m sayin’?

There are some lessons to be learned from this mess. Never leave your lady around John Terry. Never leave valuables around his mother. Always look for his dad when you’re ready to have a good time. “Come on, Chelsea” has taken on a whole new meaning.

** The Deuce declares all conflicts unlike Howard Kurtz. Mustafa is a long-time Chelsea supporter. He is only interested in Terry keeping his head on straight when he’s playing for the Blues.

The Fiver brings us the excellent news that Chelsea and England captain John Terry will be gracing the cover of this week’s Angler’s Mail. He discusses his love of fishing and laments that he won’t have much time to work on it before the World Cup next year. We haven’t read the article but we’re pretty sure he doesn’t discuss his dad’s love for angling in new disco customers. That’s coke for all you non-party people.

News of the World dropped a bomb on Sunday morning with a cover story about how a NOTW operative was able to buy coke from Terry’s dad, Ted at an Essex pub. Ted “muscled” his way into selling three grams of marching powder to the NOTW while telling the fake buyer that he shouldn’t mention the familial connection to his son, John. Ted made a little less than $60 for the deal even though he’s a kept man thanks to his boy’s riches. The whole transaction was caught on video. Sven-Goran Eriksson feels his pain.

Terry’s dad is a drug dealer and his mom’s a shoplifter. You can take the boy out of the East End but you can’t take the parents out of it. It was going to be interesting to see how this revelation would affect Terry’s play on Sunday against Manchester United. A figurative kick to the balls the night before and a literal blow to them during the match didn’t seem to affect him at all. Credit due considering the circumstances.

Wait a minute. The video of the douche brushing his teeth behind the dugout is starting to make sense. Maybe he caught up with Ted before the match and wanted to make sure the product really got up in there and numbed him up right. He could actually be onto a new delivery system. Why go finger when you can go toothbrush? Brilliant!

The Deuce is great when it comes to starting weekly posts that we have no intention of keeping up. This one is no different. Douche of the Week should be self-explanatory. Email us if you need clarification. You may find yourself in the mix for the following week. First up is a fan at the Chelsea-Manchester United match this past Sunday. We’ll get to John Terry’s dad in a few but witness this off-brand Mark Morrison who managed to make his way onto televisions around the world.

Brushing during a game? Really? Did he want to look his best for Drogba as he came off the pitch? That’s bad enough. Note that he’s also wearing his sunglasses at night. One would have been enough to put him into contention but the combination of the toothbrush and sunglasses made him this week’s winner. It wouldn’t surprise us if he was sucking on a pacifier when he didn’t have the toothbrush in his mouth. Assclown.

Curt Schilling says Harlequins are doing it wrong. Who can forget his “heroic” 2004 bloody sock stunt? He saved Boston and sentenced the rest of America to a lifetime of hearing from insufferable Red Sox fans. The sock is already enshrined in the Baseball Hall of Fame along with George Brett’s pine tar bat. Maybe Brett’s bat is in the Royals Hall of Fame but it’s a still a hall albeit with much less fame. Where will Harlequins’ Tom Williams fit into the history of great cheaters? Somewhere between Bill Belichek and Albert Belle.

Williams was suspended for 12 months by an independent disciplinary panel for faking a bloody injury in order to effect a substitution.

Williams and the club were both found guilty of fabricating a cut to the mouth in order to allow substituted fly-half Nick Evans to return to the field with five minutes remaining.

Television cameras spotted Williams winking towards the bench with ‘blood’ smeared around his mouth.

Two members of the team’s medical team had misconduct charges dismissed which seems a bit suspect. Did Williams have fake blood on him before the medics came out to “assist” him? He couldn’t have hatched the plan himself. The director of rugby was also cleared although the club was fined £215,000 half of which is suspended for two years. Someone else had a hand in this subterfuge fail but we may never know the full details until Williams has an author ghostwrite his inevitably uninteresting autobiography. See Cashley Cole.

Ah the good old urine free days.

Do I come to your job and throw bottles of urine at you? I do if I’m a Nigerian soccer fan and your name is Jon Obi Mikel. The Chelsea midfielder got more than he bargained for when he watched the Eagles take on Kenya in a World Cup qualifier from the comfort of a VIP box.

Mikel and Everton defender Joseph Yobo missed two European friendlies after claiming they weren’t able to get visas to play in France and Ireland. Nigerian fans didn’t buy their flimsy excuses and showed their disapproval by throwing plastic bottles of urine at Mikel during the Kenya match. Yobo sat next to Mikel but there are no reports of him being hit by the piss missiles.

It’s bad enough when prostitute-loving Cristiano Ronaldo is dating your sister. It’s even worse when pictures like these are splashed across the English papers. This is Juliano Belletti’s new world.

Have a great summer, Juliano!

It was one of those matches people will remember where they watched it years from now. Somehow more than the 43,000 person Stamford Bridge capacity will say they were actually at the match. I won’t be one of those people even though I could and should have been there. The last time I missed games like this were Games 1 and 3 of the 2004 ALCS but we won’t discuss that now.

The second leg of the Champions League quarterfinal between Chelsea and Liverpool was a match for the ages. Chelsea came in with a comfortable 3-1 lead and a seemingly easy trip to the semifinals where they would face Barcelona after their first leg demolition of Bayern Munich. Liverpool came in needing to win 3-0 to advance. Anyone with a sense of history knows better than to count them out. Anyone who did was in for a series of mini-heart attacks. I’m pretty sure I lost years of my life watching this match and I’m a black man which means I’m done at 52 like an NFL lineman. Hypertension, high blood pressure, NYPD, crazy white boys. Something will get my ass. Rubbing Tussin on my chest will only help for so long.

The rundown: The worst of my fears were realized when Liverpool jumped out to a quick 2-0 lead. The chicken bones, rum and kwanzaa candles came out. One more goal and Liverpool would be through. The half ended with the visitors up 2-0. On the outside, I was a bit stressed but maintaining my cool. Inside, I was yelling “Lawd jesus, not like this!” I was so much of a stereotype that I could have been an extra in The Color Purple.

Chelsea responded at the start of the second half. Actually Pepe Reina gave a helping hand and made the score 2-1. Six minutes later, Alex equalized. 2-2 became 3-2. All was well and Chelsea was through again. Not so fast, my friend. Out of nowhere, Liverpool came right back and scored two in three minutes to make the score 4-3 in the 83rd minute. One more goal and 5-3 would be enough to take them through on aggregate. At this point, the cool left me and I was visibly shaken. If it were possible for a black man to go pale, it would have happened. Shell-shocked doesn’t begin to describe my slack-jawed appearance. Super Frank to the rescue. 4-4 in the 89th and that would be enough to see Chelsea through.

Sweating as though I played 90+ minutes, I praised every deity out there including Jobu, Jebus and Superman before remembering that Barcelona awaits Chelsea in the semifinals. Barca are unquestionably the team to beat in Champions League this year. However Chelsea’s form of late under Guus Hiddink gives even the most skeptical of supporters hope of getting to Rome.