Curt Schilling says Harlequins are doing it wrong. Who can forget his “heroic” 2004 bloody sock stunt? He saved Boston and sentenced the rest of America to a lifetime of hearing from insufferable Red Sox fans. The sock is already enshrined in the Baseball Hall of Fame along with George Brett’s pine tar bat. Maybe Brett’s bat is in the Royals Hall of Fame but it’s a still a hall albeit with much less fame. Where will Harlequins’ Tom Williams fit into the history of great cheaters? Somewhere between Bill Belichek and Albert Belle.

Williams was suspended for 12 months by an independent disciplinary panel for faking a bloody injury in order to effect a substitution.

Williams and the club were both found guilty of fabricating a cut to the mouth in order to allow substituted fly-half Nick Evans to return to the field with five minutes remaining.

Television cameras spotted Williams winking towards the bench with ‘blood’ smeared around his mouth.

Two members of the team’s medical team had misconduct charges dismissed which seems a bit suspect. Did Williams have fake blood on him before the medics came out to “assist” him? He couldn’t have hatched the plan himself. The director of rugby was also cleared although the club was fined £215,000 half of which is suspended for two years. Someone else had a hand in this subterfuge fail but we may never know the full details until Williams has an author ghostwrite his inevitably uninteresting autobiography. See Cashley Cole.

You might remember Manchester City and former Ireland international Stephen Ireland from such episodes as lying about both of his grandmothers dying to get out of international duty. You can now add douchebag to liar and quitter.

Ireland has a thing for the pink but it’s not what you think. He loves him some pink trim on his … cars. Check out his old ride which he just traded in for something a little better.

If you’re one of those people who has to know what your favorite or most hated footballer drives, you can find out here. It’s surprising that Cashley Cole doesn’t drive a Gremlin because it reminds him of the movie which was super cool.

Don’t be surprised when European soccer teams start getting nailed for cruising public soccer fields in ice cream trucks looking for kids. “Hi, want some candy?” This is getting ridiculous.

Chelsea recently recruited 5-year old Archie Oates from Belmont Youth FC. This beats out Manchester United’s signing of 9-year old Rhian Davis.

I’d put money on Archie. Rhian can’t even spell Ryan. Then again lack of intelligence never stopped Rio Ferdinand or Cashley Cole.

Don’t say that footballers don’t have a serious, contemplative side. Players like Kaka and Mateja Kezman score for Jesus all the time. Well, Kaka does. It’s not yet clear what the hell Kezman is doing. Seems more like blasphemy.

Then you have players like Chelsea’s Ashley “Cashley” Cole. Billy Gallas and £5M to Arsenal for Cole was a bad move. However, I may have been too quick to judge him. The Catholic Church may have found a new champion or crusader in the form of Cashley Cole.

Cole, married to Girls Aloud member Cheryl Cole, was busted for hooking up with a hairdresser after a night of heavy drinking. Among other things, he “slapped her bottom so hard his platinum wedding ring left a mark, vomited in a girl’s car — then said she should feel ‘privileged’, made absurd claims that Girls Aloud singer Cheryl ‘didn’t mind’ him cheating as long as he kept it secret, and interrupted their sex session to be sick again”.

It looks as though he’s learned from that experience and has turned to the church for guidance. The Sun reports that he hooked up with another girl but he followed Rome’s advice and didn’t use protection.

Glamour model BROOKE HEALY, 23, has told how England ace Cole bedded her at a friend’s house following a boozy night out with Chelsea team-mates.

She said yesterday: “When we were getting down to it I asked him if he had protection because I wasn’t on the Pill.

“He said not to worry about it because he was always getting tests at Chelsea and he was clean.

“He said he didn’t do protection and not to worry because everything would be cool.

Who knew commies like Roman Abramovich were closet believers? When you’re richer than Nazis, you can check for everything. Derby and Wigan must be running rampant with STDs. No wonder they’re so slow. It’s hard to run fast when your crotch is burning like Michael Jackson’s hair on fire.

Like all heroes, Cole isn’t a perfect man. Hoes have been dropping out of the sky like dead spy satellites to call him out. He allegedly offered the hairdresser money to have an abortion.

When Aimee, 22, feared she might be pregnant, Cole’s representative met her at a Harvester pub and offered her cash to have an abortion … She was then taken into the office of a West End nightclub and told to sign a document declaring she hadn’t slept with Cole - in exchange for an envelope stuffed with £6,000 in cash.

That’s not the half of it.

Cole slept with the girl on the left the year he got married and paid her £10,000 in hush money. The chickenhead on the right claims to have slept with him five months after he was married.

He claims to not “do protection” and none are pregnant. What other proof do you need, people? Get out there and do God’s work!

I always assumed that Mariah Carey had the same brain capacity and function as a goldfish. It looks like I was right and it runs in the family.

Mariah researched her family ancestry in an attempt to find a connection with Nat King Cole. I did the same thing the other week. I wanted to find a familial connection between my family and Kevin Duckworth. Instead I found that I was related to Oliver Miller and Grover.

Mariah had a similar result when she found out she was related to Chelsea right back Ashley “Cashley” Cole. Cashley ain’t the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree so they should have much to talk about should they ever meet.

A friend of Ashley’s revealed he is thrilled to hear about the connection, and said: “Ashley is chuffed to bits to hear that they’re related. He’s always been a big fan of Mariah’s, and grew up listening to jazz legends like Nat King Cole.”

Now they can call each other and discuss stuff and things.

Don’t think Mariah isn’t giving up on Nat now.

“We are still looking into it to see if we’re also related to Nat King Cole.

I’m such a huge fan of his. That would be wonderful, and would also explain so much.”

What would that explain? Her S-Curl?