First, Chyna and Sean Waltman brought us the unforgettable (no matter how much we try) “One Night in Chyna,” and recently Chyna has returned to the sex-trade by signing a deal with Vivid. When your wife goes off with her 22-year-old lover with basically all your money, and you’re still wrestling on a subpar promotion that doesn’t draw squat, it’s time to get out the big guns.

Hit me with the big boot, and then the leg drop, TMZ.com:

A sex tape featuring legendary wrestler Hulk Hogan has surfaced — and TMZ has learned, it’s currently being shopped to a major porn studio.

We’ve seen a portion of the grainy footage — featuring Hulk getting undressed and a naked, unidentified brunette lying on a bed. The woman is NOT his ex-wife Linda or his current wife Jennifer McDaniel.

In the clip, Hulk pulls his shirt off and brags to his companion, “I started to work out again.” Hulk then runs his hands through his blonde hair like he always does.

The best part … Hulk’s thong-shaped tan line.

It’s unclear when the tape was shot — but Vivid honcho Steve Hirsch tells TMZ, he was approached with the tape very recently by a third party.

Yuck, what an image.

Update: The Hulkster is now “Hulking up” with his lawyer saying he was secretly filmed. His credibility has been questioned in the past however, such as when he told us that Sting had joined the nWo only to later learn that it was a Sting impostor. Rest assured that Steve Hirsch will open this week’s TNA Impact show flanked by Kurt Angle and declaring he would like to show the tape on national television, before Hogan charges (more like limps) to the ring, clears it out and then hits his ridiculous poses (listening to the crowd, most muscular).

It’s hard not to love that Lenny Dykstra once kicked ass for the Philadelphia Phillies before he went on to write a column for TheStreet.com that cost almost $1,000 per year to read, owned Wayne Gretzky’s house, and was hailed as an investment guru, just before HBO and ESPN revealed what a spectacular phony he really was.

Slide into homeplate for me, ESPN:

Los Angeles County Superior Court Judge Cynthia Ulfig sentenced Dykstra after refusing to allow him to withdraw his plea and said the scam to lease high-end automobiles from dealerships by providing fraudulent information and claiming credit through a phony business showed sophistication and extensive planning.

“He obviously didn’t have the money to get the vehicles,” Ulfig said. “His conduct was indeed criminal.”

Dykstra, 49, has had a series of recent legal troubles and the prison sentence is part of a post-career downward spiral for the stocky slugger known as “Nails” that has included a stint at a sober living facility.

In a rambling and impassioned plea for probation, Dykstra said he has tried to make amends for his past transgressions and said he would be cleared of any wrongdoing had his motion to withdraw his plea been granted.

“I’m doing everything in my power to be a better person,” he said.

Still, it’s tough not to feel at least a bit sorry for the guy. He used to be ripped, and now he looks a little bit like Val Kilmer. Not Top Gun Val, but more like MacGruber Val.

The Federal Trade Commission is currently looking into whether or not the UFC has an illegal monopoly on mixed-martial-arts in the U.S. (what about Bellator??) and since UFC purchased Strikeforce last year, and then decided to continue to run it as a seperate (but “equal”) promotion I think it’s clear that this concern is overblown. After all, ESPN Outside of the Lines did a terrific report chronicling how the UFC actively blackballs U.S. fighters who have the audacity to complain about their compensation, and then UFC feels free to pluck Dan Henderson, Nick Diaz, Jake Shields (to be fair he signed while Strikeforce was independent of UFC), and Alistair Overeem to UFC.

But turn those frowns upside down Strikeforce fans, because they just poached one of UFC’s prized guys…granted he had been released from the promotion and looking for work for a year.

Less than a year after his departure from UFC, Marquardt has signed a new deal with Strikeforce to compete in their welterweight division.

Yay!

Ironically enough, while Marquardt was released last year from his UFC contract after elevated testosterone levels kept him out of his scheduled fight at UFC on Versus 4 against Rick Story, the Colorado based fighter never actually competed in another promotion.

Marquardt was signed to the British promotion BAMMA and was expected to debut in February, but after multiple delays the fighter asked and received his release from the organization.

The world is your oyster, Nate.

Once upon a time, before athletes became acutely sensitive to every-little-slight or criticism, athletes used to be able to criticize each other with impunity. But then we had crap like Sammy Sosa and Mark McGuire holding hands during the homerun chase, and applauding your competitors became the thing to do. In the age of 24/7 media, GOD FORBID we ever hear a disparaging word about an athlete on ANOTHER TEAM, or even admit that someone on your own team screwed up. Today we live in a society that gives every kid a trophy, and funds the WNBA.

Fortunately, Charles Oakley played during a different time when you not only talked sh*t, you also tried to harm your opponent. So when Oakley went on the Jim Rome radio show the other day we were all treated to a throwback roast fest of world-class pussies like Kevin Garnett and Kendrick Perkins.

Thanks Probasketballtalk:

“Garnett left Minnesota and hollered and screamed and all that but hes not a tough guy,” Oakley said as Sports Talk Network shared with us. “He’s one of the weakest guys to ever play the game. He’s a complimentary player and went to Paul Pierce’s team and won a championship. I wouldn’t consider him a top 10 tough guy…

…“Barkley, for his size, was a good player but he’s a coward,” Oakley continued. “He was a good player for his size, but he wasn’t a leader and wasn’t a role model. Now he talks so bad about younger guys. I don’t respect that from him. He’s a fraud. He can criticize all the younger kids and if he got something to say, call them and talk to them before you just blast them. He’s wants to be funny, that whole TNT thing and all that, they’re like some clowns on that show”…

…Oakley wasn’t done there. He also said that Kendrick Perkins is similar to K.G. in that all he does is holler and complain, and that the Thunder would win championships if he would just play basketball. Oakley added that Perk’s attitude is the reason he got dunked on by Blake Griffin, and said throughout his 19-year career he only got dunked on three times. Somebody check the tape on that, please.

It’s a well known fact that Garnett is softer then baby food, but I like Oakley so I will just go ahead and agree with everything he said.

Years ago, I was in Chicago visiting my bigshot friends from college, and we saw Oakley and Michael Jordan in a roped off section at a club in the Gold Coast. When Oakley and Jordan left, they had a small army of little blondes with them, and packed them into a small fleet of Maybachs. Take notes, Brady Quinn, and you too could be departing with an army of blondes and a fleet of Maybachs.

Uncle Moe’s family feed bag and racist white sports media ombudsman Jason Whitlock is unafraid to tackle the topics of discussion that are just too real for the punks in Bristol.

New York Knicks basketball hasn’t been relevant since the Gold Club days, but don’t you whisper a word of that to the sports writers that are wrapped up in the fever that is Jeremy “couch surfing legend” Lin, who has managed to string together an impressive seven-game winning streak with two selfish overrated divas all-stars out of the lineup.

Whitlock has caught the attention of this website before, what with his professorial knowledge of sex-based commerce, and his insistence that the Tea Party is not so bad.

Whitlock recently weighed in (ahem) with a tweet about Jeremy Lin’s anatomy based upon cheap stereotypes. I know this because this website, and it’s writers, are highly dependent upon these stereotypes to keep the lights on and the water running.

Whitlock, likely at the urging of Fox Sports, dropped an apology on us and we thought we would give it a quick read.

I get Linsanity.

I get people celebrating unselfish, effective play for a mediocre team with two huge primadonnas in the country’s largest sports market.

I’ve cried watching Tiger Woods win a major golf championship. Jeremy Lin, for now, is the Tiger Woods of the NBA. I suspect Lin makes Asian Americans feel the way I feel when I watch Tiger play golf.

Jeremy Lin will call his whores and politely insist they delete all his text messages. He will also cut a $10 million check to torpedo a press conference. Also, Yao Ming never took the court for the Harvard/Yale game.

For Asian Americans and a lot of sports fans, his nationally televised 38-point outburst was the equivalent of Tiger’s first victory in The Masters.

I sincerely doubt it. Why? Oh maybe because “Asian Americans” don’t sit huddled in the middle of each major city’s Chinatown with little flags waving them in jubilation at a small black-and-white television set in the back of a takeout joint like Whitlock wants you to believe. Whitlock is trying to relate to you Asians, so just try to UNDERSTAND DAH WORDS DAT ARE COMAHN OUTTAH HIZZ MOUFF.

I got caught up in the excitement.

I was trying to be clever on Twitter. IS THAT TOO REAL FOR YOU PEOPLE!!?

I tweeted about what a great story Lin is and how he could rival Tim Tebow.

Except that Tebow had a tremendous college career, alienated many Americans with his views on abortion, and then had an improbable SEASON LONG run that culminated with the Broncos entering the postseason. Lin’s played well for six games.

I then gave in to another part of my personality — my immature, sophomoric, comedic nature. It’s been with me since birth, a gift from my mother and honed as a child listening to my godmother’s Richard Pryor albums.

Notice how Whitlock subtly takes cover behind his mother to try to buttress well-deserved criticism. DO WHAT YOU WILL TO ME BUT LEAVE MY POOR MOTHER OUT OF IT!

Also, don’t you ever, ever, try to drag Brewster’s millions, and the writer of Blazing Saddles into this!

The couple-inches-of-pain tweet overshadowed my sincere celebration of Lin’s performance and the irony that the stereotype applies to pot-bellied, overweight male sports writers, too.

The irony that I accuse everyone in the WORLD of harboring racist views and then you tweet about a Chinese/Taiwanese basketball player.