Fox Sports own Jason Whitlock has long embraced his role as contrarian/apologist/syllogistic writer of all things sports; and his column on the scandal that has rocked the ‘U’ screamed for the FJM treatment.

Let’s get this sex-filled, ‘Canes style party started!

Miami, home of Tony Montana, is the perfect setting for the kind of detailed decadence exposed in Yahoo! Sports’ explosive investigative piece on the University of Miami’s athletic program.

Home to a deceased fictional character from a 30-year-old movie that is way, way overhyped by athletes thanks to MTV Cribs.
Good start, Whitlock.

The people who believe there’s a kernel of integrity in NCAA-mandated shamateurism, the people reluctant to accept what television and its money and fame have done to college athletics, need programs like The U.

One buttery, scrumptious, kernel at the bottom of Whitlock’s oversized popcorn tub. Whitlock is the Fox Sports Jabba the Hut.

You know why? Because they don’t have the guts to be what they wanna be. They need programs like The U so they can point their fingers and say, “That’s the bad guy.”

That’s right, the NCAA needs the U! What will rabid college football fans do if ‘The U’ isn’t around? Probably fold up their tents for good, that’s what!
Whitlock is too real for us, people! He’s telling us the stuff nobody else has the GUTS TO WRITE!

The folks at Ohio State and Southern Cal and Oregon and Auburn and Connecticut and every other school touched by scandal the past decade feel a little bit better about themselves today.

Yeah they do, and why shouldn’t they? If everything we have heard is true, those programs were putting in small time work compared to ‘The U.’ With better results.
The Hurricanes program just seemed to nosedive after they shit the bed in the Fiesta Bowl in 2003. And, with the exceptions of Oregon and Conn they all got National Championships for far cheaper than The U.

Their shame has been diminished by the knowledge that Uncle Luke, the rapper, was replaced by Lil Madoff, the incarcerated Ponzi-scheming snitch.

Again, quite clever. I seriously doubt any other sports writer has successfully made that comparison since this report was disclosed.

Say hello to Miami’s little friend, Nevin Shapiro.

Five paragraphs in and we get a second Scarface reference. WHITLOCK IS WRITING WHAT EVERYONE ELSE IS TOO SCARED TO WRITE!!!

Throughout his 30s, he chased celebrity and relevancy by using his ill-gotten wealth to befriend athletes and coaches at Miami. Now in his 40s, facing 20 years of imprisonment, stripped of his cash, forgotten by the people whose friendships were never for sale — only for rent — Shapiro will satisfy himself with infamy, revenge and maybe a book or movie deal.

Yeah, Miami is the perfect setting for this kind of mess. Three decades of swagger, corruption and championships end with an unlikely stool pigeon taking The U straight to hell.

This fucking snitch! How dare he come clean about the rampant complicity and corruption at a storied college football program! Seriously, this stuff is entertaining as hell, though.

So what does the demise of The U make the rest of the NCAA? Good? It’s not good. They just know how to hide, how to lie. The U didn’t have that problem. The U always told the truth, even when it lied.

(Look of befuddlement, returns to original report and rereads it)

So say good night to the bad guy.

Oh, okay, we are going back to the Scarface references, again, are we? Seriously Whitlock, did you even read this report?

Make way for the bad guy. There’s a bad guy coming through. Better get outta his way.

Whitlock’s gotta drop a deuce! Did you see him take down that Hogie!? He didn’t even have to swallow! Tuck in your gut!

The people who piously believe the corruption at Miami is somehow worse than the corruption in Columbus or Austin or Muncie or Boise or Durham are fooling themselves. It’s all relative.

Is anybody saying that at all? If anything, the entire system is being reexamined because clearly something is fundamentally wrong.

You move Ohio State or Kansas or Ball State or Duke to within a 15-minute drive of the South Beach nightclubs, the Miami strip clubs and all the super-wealthy sports fans/groupies wanting to live vicariously through celebrity athletes, and Uncle Luke and Lil Madoff would befriend Buckeyes, Jayhawks, Blue Devils and Cardinals.

Well, okay, but so what? NCAA rules are like highway speed limits; not everybody is going to get caught, but the ones who do get the shaft, like Boy Scout camping trips.

There’s a Nevin Shapiro knockoff on every campus. He might not own a yacht or have easy access to hookers, but he supplies in abundance whatever decadence Iowa City has to offer.

There’s a Nevin Shapiro on every campus. Sure, he might not have as much money, or the same resources to lavish, or even the same locale to ply athletes, or even do anything resembling what Shapiro did, but these are circumstantial details that Whitlock won’t bother reconciling before putting pen to paper.

Not when Scarface is airing on AMC in 10 minutes!

The people shocked and surprised by the Yahoo! Sports story have never visited South Beach or stepped inside a Miami gentlemen’s club.

Not everybody has what it takes to be a Hurricane! WE LIVE THIS U!

Tricking (and treating) is part of Miami culture, perhaps even more so than Las Vegas.

(Ed.’s note: Lavish city famous for lasciviousness and ostentatiousness is not ideal locale for a university)

The allegation that Shapiro provided the players with prostitutes sounds absolutely scandalous unless you’ve socialized extensively in Miami.

In other words, Whitlock has to shell out his own money to get women to sleep with him.

In all likelihood, Shapiro mostly threw parties and invited girls who work at the plethora of strip clubs.

So he hired hookers.

(H)e invited the same local girls who frequent the plethora of “legit” nightclubs in South Beach.

Hookers.

Maybe cash exchanged hands,

(Webster’s dictionary defines a prostitute as: : to offer indiscriminately for sexual intercourse especially for money)

I’m not justifying what Shapiro did.

Just excusing it; in a confusing, biased, and circular way.

I’m trying to put it in context.

Oh, well then please allow me to assist you, like when you try to walk without a motorized cart (zing).

When someone simply goes to painstaking lengths to choreograph a situation where the only logical outcome is sex, replete with a fee for the participants with the understanding that they will initiate and engage in sex, it’s not actually prostitution. Not in Whitlock’s world.

The athletes are brought to campus to win games, generate millions of dollars for the university, the coaches and the administrators and remain eligible. Is it really a surprise they feel entitled to enjoy whatever extra benefits are offered by overzealous boosters/groupies?
Do we really think the former Hurricanes who have earned NFL millions are shy about showering their wealth on the current players?

Well, now we know you read this report carefully because Shapiro NEVER ATTENDED ‘THE U’ AS A STUDENT but I will cede your point.

This, the Miami mess, isn’t new ground. Shapiro admitted he was simply mimicking what Miami-based rapper Luther Campbell did in the 1980s and 1990s. What’s new is the detail and the animus.

Again though, this speaks more to the current system for college sports in general, not the fact that its perpetuity justifies its existence. Policies should be reexamined periodically to prevent things like this from happening.

Shapiro wants to destroy The U and elevate himself. And some of you are glad he’s doing it because it makes you feel better about yourself.

Are you happy readers! Soon ‘The U’ won’t be around for you to kick anymore! Unfortunately, Whitlock will still be here.

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