Reading Between the Headlines

Usually when I write this post, it takes me awhile to find worthwhile headlines to make pithy little jokes about.  This week: nothing but gold.  I’m not even going to waste time.  Let’s just get right to it:

• Forty-six year-old kicker John Carney will kick field goals for the Saints this weekend.

John Carney was in Tecmo Super Bowl, the greatest video game ever created.  I played this game in middle school, high school and college.  I would play it now if I still had a working Nintendo system.  Thus, I hope John Carney wins the NFL MVP.

• Tour de France winner Alberto Contador blamed “tainted meat” for his positive drug test.

Funny, isn’t that what Lindsay Lohan said when she failed her drug test (take that, commenter “Jess”)?  Anyway, why do they even bother testing bicyclists anymore?  Do any of them not cheat?  They should test cyclists for NOT doing drugs.  Cyclists are about as dirty as professional wrestlers.  But their “sport” is less entertaining:

• A cereal box with the likeness of Bengals wide receiver Chad Ochocinco mistakenly printed a phone number to a sex call line.

Told you this was a great week.  Give credit to Chad for doing some charity work, but I’m thinking that if you’re trying to help out people, you’ve got a better chance of making money off a sex line rather than selling some crappy Cheerios knock-off.  Sounds like a charity for Pac-Man Jones.

• FIVE people lodged complaints with the Ohio Health Department after the Reds lit cigars in their clubhouse to celebrate their first playoff appearance in 15 years.

I want to meet these Ohioans.  I want to know why they are so quick to make trouble over victory cigars when there are CEREAL BOXES PRINTED WITH PHONE SEX LINES IN THEIR GROCERY STORES!!!!!  Helen, what say you?

• Cal Ripken is introducing a line of beef jerky in an effort to keep athletes from using chewing tobacco.

Won’t somebody please give Cal Ripken a job?!?!?!?!  Note to Alberto Contador: don’t take any chances.

• Jimmy Rollins purchased the rights to a Justin Bieber song.

Jimmy Rollins: savvy investor or creepy shortstop?  Listen, I’m all for trying to get paid, but at some point you have to be able to look at yourself in the mirror.  This is like one of those stupid car-games you play where someone says, “You get to be rich for the rest of your life, but you made your money off of an androgynous twelve year-old geek whose crappy music will haunt you for the rest of time in hell.”  Tough call.  Why can’t I just be like Jamal Mashburn and own a bunch of Papa Johns?  I’d feel much better getting insanely rich off of stoned college students.  And finally, in a story that hits particularly close to home:

• Officials in New Delhli have employed Langur monkey guards to chase packs of other wild monkeys terrorizing athletes and patrons of the Commonwealth Games.

Trained monkey guards hired by the state to fight gangs of wild monkeys?  I love this week.  If you need me, I’ll be in the city that bleeds, doing my best Vince Vaughn impression.

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Tagged with: Alberto Contador • Bo Jackson • Bo Knows • Cal Ripken • Chad Ochocinco • Jimmy Rollins • John Carney • Lindsay Lohan • Monkey Guards • Pac-Man • Reading Between the Headlines • Tecmo Super Bowl

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