Back to School Special: Underage Kids Keep Your Favorite Sports Star’s Restaurant in Business
A few years ago, I met up with a friend at a sports bar owned (and named after) a rather well-known athlete to watch playoff baseball. It was also located within a reasonable distance of a college campus. As we hung out after work, the Happy Hour crew in suits and ties floated and a new group of patrons trickled in: preppy la-coiffed dudes (h/t EAS) and cute girls in tank tops with ribbons in their hair. It looked like a high-school mixer but with bottomless bottles of Bud Light instead of Mountain Dew. As the night wore on, we were treated to all kinds of awesomeness: kids getting sick, carried out of the bar and just being genuinely drunk off their Abercrombie’d-asses. A few days later, my friend emailed me to say after making a few calls, he realized we had spent our night at one of the most notorious underage bars in the area.
Needless to say, it’s that time of year again: sprawling college towns begin to repopulate as America’s future bankruptcy-declarers head back to school to enjoy the last few stress-free years of their lives before they have to start worrying about gradschool/marriage/carpayments/studentloans/holycrapI’mstayinginonaFridaynight, etc. Thanks to the magic of the Internet, these kids know what’s ahead of them, so they want to enjoy themselves while they can: early and often. Well, what type of place can cater to poor underage kids that want to party? You guessed it: athlete-owned sports bars that just happen to be located near college campuses.
See, the only guarantee that comes with an athlete owning a restaurant is that it will probably close: the ambiance in those placs are usually cheesy and the food is predictably terrible. Unless, they can serve the most desperate of customers: underage kids. Case in point: the illustrious “Thunder” Dan Majerle.
Back in the heady days of 2008, Thunder Dan sued a gossip website for posting a picture of the Thunder enjoying himself at one of his many fine establishments. Why was this a problem you ask? Well, the picture happened to contain a very young girl savoring an adult beverage, which, along with being non-white, is not exactly legal in Arizona. And, because said picture made the rounds on the Internet, the Arizona liquor board got pissed and started chasing all the underage kids from his bars. As someone who knows a little bit about this topic (from a purely legal standpoint, of course), Thunder Dan had a right to be heated. First off, there are only three types of people who go to athlete-owned establishments: 1) mutant tourists who think said establishment represents local cuisine; 2) mutant sports fans who like the idea of breaking bread with a sports “star,” or at the very least, staring at athletic memorabilia while they chow down on $12 quesadillas and; 3) underage kids who are trying to drink without being carded.
Now, the mutant tourists and sports fans come and go. After all, they are seasonal and the novelty of dining at such a place wears off after one meal, especially when the sports fans realize Thunder Dan ain’t coming in that night. But, the underage kids will keep coming back. They got nowhere else to go. While they won’t be throwing down “Thunder Dan Burger Baskets,” they will be throwing back overpriced Apple Ciders and Long Island Iced Teas as long as they can, whereever they can.
Sadly though, once the spot gets blown up, the kids get freaked out. After all, none of them want a citation: a $100 fine to a college kid is like $10,000 to the rest of us, and if there is some Saturday morning community service thrown in? Nuts to that. These kids aren’t that stupid — even the ones who go to Arizona State.
So, this fall, if you’re out at Thunder Dan’s or any similar-type joint and a bro gets a little tipsy, cut him a break: he’s just trying to enjoy himself before he takes that job playing a millionaire at parties.
Tagged with: Baltiblogger • God I Miss College • Hot Young Chicks • La-Coiff • Mutants • My Future • Student Loans: the Silent Killer • Thunder Dan • Tourists
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Thunder Dan struck that girl with his lightning rod and then he took in some snow off her chest.