The Douchification Of America Continues

Somebody call the wahmbulance for America's parents. They disbanding Little League teams because they have pitchers who throw real hard.

Nine-year old Jericho Scott has skills. When I say the boy has skills, I mean he has a 40 mph fastball. Instead of encouraging him, the Youth Baseball League of New Haven is trying to shut him down.

The league told him coach that Scott wasn't allowed to pitch any more because he throws too hard. The coach ignored the edict and sent him to the mound for the next game. Get this. The opposing manager forfeited, packed up and left. Wah! Way to man up.

Now the league is disbanding Scott's team, sending the players to other teams and refunding money. It said Scott's coach, Wilfred Vidro resigned but he's unaware of any resignation. Allegations are floating around that these actions are being taken because Scott refused to join the defending league champion who is sponsored by an employer of a league administrator. The league denies the allegations and says it is trying to protect the other players. It's probably a coincidence that Scott's team was 8-0 and rolling towards the playoffs when they shut him down.

Of course the kid feels like it's his fault. "I feel sad," he said. "I feel like it's all my fault nobody could play."

Regardless of motive, this is the definition of a a bitch move. It's another example of how organized sports in this country are starting to turn kids into sniveling douches who are told that being good is a fault. Why not allow other kids to face him and get better by facing the best? It's not like they'd have to face Scott every day. What is it about this country that has stopped parents from encouraging kids to be the best they can be? What happened to facing down adversity? Now they try to protect kids from every little thing that could be perceived as a threat or danger. Children taught to turn tail, run and sue instead of fighting and striving to get better. The kids on the forfeiting team probably got trophies for showing up that day. You brave little buckeroos.

Congrats to the parents for using children as pawns in their bullshit games over things that shouldn't even matter like Little League Baseball. If Scott is such a danger, why were his services sought for the defending league champion? If this is just about him, why would they can the manager and disband the team over one pitcher? This situation walks, talks and smells like bullshit.

What are the chances Rafael Nadal made A-Rod cry when he told Menudo to shut up? I'll let the manpris slide today.

The BBC Knows How To Stay Classy

Damn. BBC Commentator Chris Price went way over the line in describing the Bradford City defense this past weekend. He didn't just go over the line. He went back and destroyed it.

Reporter Chris Price was speaking live on air when he said Rochdale 'were making more holes in the Bradford defence than in a Spanish aircraft'.

He was speaking on Saturday just three days after a Spanair plane crashed at Barajas International airport in Madrid killing at least 153 people.

BBC Radio Manchester issued an apology after numerous complaints from listeners. Just wait until they hear that a BBC reporter complained that the BBC isn't doing enough to humanize the Taliban. They'll love that.

Browns Fans Sh*t Themselves Over Sh*t Brown Pants

That's it, Cleveland. It's the pants that make you suck. Not dating site icon Brady Quinn.

The Browns wore chocolate brown pants for the first time in their history when they were molested by the Giants last Monday. Don't let the final score fool you. Browns fans weren't feeling the loss or the pants. Their loss had everything to do with the pants and nothing to do with the porous o-line and medicore quarterback.

Brady probably liked the molestation and the pants. We know he loves him some chocolate. This all sounds a bit racialist if you ask me. The Deuce does not approve of anti-deuce sentiments or behavior especially from anyone native to a city whose river has caught on fire.

Here Comes The Hotstepper. Murderer. No Really Murderer

I'm not sure whether the British are trying to one up the Chinese but if they are, it's a noble start. There's no way the 2012 London Olympics could even begin to approach the CGI greatness of the Beijing opening and closing ceremonies. I guess they decided to go after the world's heart in a different way by advertising their murderers instead of hiding behind state-sponsored subterfuge.



A montage of British achievement played behind British Prime Minister Gordon Brown and London mayor Boris Johnson as they promoted the 2012 Olympics in the UK. One of the images was of Myra Hindley otherwise known as the Moors Murderer. Hindley and her man kidnapped, sexually abused, tortured and killed four children back in the 60s. She also enjoyed the works of Adolf Hitler and the Marquis de Sade in her spare time. Good times!

Brown/Johnson was reported to be mighty pissed off but they had no worries. Hindley's image was created from children's hand prints. That's so sweet. I think that fact just gave myself diabetes.

A spokesman for Visit Britain said that "the inclusion of the controversial work showed that there was no 'censorship' in the UK but promised to withdraw it immediately". Riiiiight. It doesn't make sense to remove the image when Britain has had a solid line of quality murderers. Jack the Ripper must be rolling in his grave.

Good Thing Evander Holyfield Isn't A Woman And On The LPGA Tour

I know she can speak English. Just shut up and look.

Emmanuel Steward, Mike Tyson and Edgerrin James better watch out as well. They'd all be screwed if they were women on the LPGA tour and the LPGA is serious about a language requirement. Starting in 2009, players will be required to pass an English language oral assessment if they've been on the tour for two years. If they fail, they'll be suspended.

A group of Korean players was informed of the new rules at a meeting during the Safeway Classic. Out of 121 players, 45 are Korean.

Hilary Lunke, president of the Player Executive Committee, said much of this initiative stems from the importance of being able to entertain pro-am partners. Players already are fined if the LPGA receives complaints from their pro-am partners.

The tour says it will offer tutoring and other support services. Korean players interviewed by Foxsports.com agreed that it was important for international players to be able to speak English and didn't seem bothered by the threat of suspension. At first glance, the rule does seem to be a bit harsh even though players get two years from qualification to reach a level of "conversation, survival and 'golfspeak'". However the players don't have a problem with the rule and it serves as encouragement for the players to learn Engrish. Who am I to argue, super awesome cool boss man? Dae Han Min Gook!!

Apparently Jay Feely doesn't see the absolute lack of talent that exists in Kansas City. Vonnie Holliday and Channing Crowder are offended.

To Be A Phillie Is To Know Misery

If there is one thing I hate about myself...

Well actually there are at least four, possibly five, but right now the biggest one is that I have to be lumped in with the drooling, quivering mass that is Philadelphia sports fans. That this is due to nothing more than a cruel twist of fate (i.e. I grew up in Philadelphia) is one of a number of ironies that most of the OTHER members of this august body practically swim in, for a vast majority of cases unbeknownst to them I am sure.

Take, for example, Mister James Calvin Rollins. You know him!


He's that guy who you used to call simply "MVP" until he had the temerity to say something you didn't like. Honestly, the unmitigated gall of the man! To call you, in so many words, fair-weather fans.

Guess what, assbags? He's right.

All Jimmy Rollins did was point out the irony-cum-stupidity of a fanbase that demands constant, unending perfection to twelve decimal places from players in a sport where being successful four times out of ten is an lofty, Gisele-Bundchen-sunning-topless-on-your-backyard-deck unattainable wet dream.

One day you're chanting "MVP!" and the next when he mentions that, hey, this shit is REALLY FUCKING HARD and would it kill you guys to kinda maybe not be such gigantic dicks all the time? You're booing him.

You wonder why players here say things like this? Do you really?

You had Allen Iverson, a five-foot-nothing hundred-and-nothing scrawny little dynamo flinging himself bodily at giants twice his size and getting the absolute everloving shit kicked out of himself on a nightly basis for your entertainment, and you ran him out of town on a rail. You have, in Donovan McNabb, AT WORST the third- or fourth-best quarterback in football and the most athletically-talented human being to play ANYTHING in this city in a generation, and some of you actually think the Eagles should dump his ass and start AJ Feeley. AY-FUCKING-JAY FEELEY! There's a world where AJ Feeley is better than McNabb, and its most famous denizen's catchphrase is "Me am Superman!"

You know why we haven't had a championship in 25 years? Because WE DON'T FUCKING DESERVE ONE! Karma, bitches. Wait for the wheel, as my old gramma used to say. You get what you give. No, wait, sorry, that's the New Radicals.


That and, I dunno, some stupid shit about a hat on a statue.

The important, knowing is half the battle lesson in all of this is that you dickwads should be nicer to J-Roll, because in a couple years when the Phillies ownership (quite possibly the only group of bigger dickwads than Philadelphia sports fans) remembers that they don't actually give a flying fuck and trade Rollins for fifty bucks and a pallet of Country Time Pink Lemonade mix (THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A PINK LEMON!), you're gonna be crying in your beers when he wins a World Series someplace else.

At least that will be the first time that happened...


Ah, shit...


Ah, SHIT!

Okay, fine, at least Donovan McNabb will hopefully only win three Super Bowls when we trade him to Da Bears next year.

(If someone could Photoshop me a picture of D-Mac in a Bears uniform, yeah, that'd hit the spot.)

Oh, and, er, hello. Good to be here.

There's Only One Boss Around Here And That's Me! I Am The HHIC

When you're the head hurler in charge, you can carry a hurling stick and curse people out like Joe Clark (Benson's no joke so watch the language). County Waterford hurling coach David "Davy Fitz" Fitzgerald gave one of the greatest halftime talks ever and one of his players was quick enough to record it for posterity. This is incredibly NSFW due to language but well worth it if you can get away with it.



William Wallace has nothing on Davy Fitz. You should watch this every day before you work, eat, shit and drink.

Chief Zee Is Not Happy With CBS

Unofficial Washington Redskins Mascot, Chief Zee, is not at all happy with losing CBS' "Most Fierce Mascot Competition" to the Baltimore Ravens' Poe and he wants the whole friggin world to know. Apparently Zee won the vote, but due to some alleged ballot stuffing, CBS determined that Poe, the cuddly stuffed bird (hardly fierce in my mind), was the true winner of the contest. Check out his unsolicited commentary on the matter here in a fan's video with the old guy. Zee is lookin pretty fierce in this video, his chompers look like they could fly out at any moment.

Punks Jump Up To Get Beat Down

I imagine this is what it's like for Jon Kitna every season when he predicts a 10 win season and then gets his ass handed to him.



That's a Tony Jaa exit right there. I don't know who the winner is but he's definitely ready for the Kumite. Maximum points for knocking out Lil' Wayne too.

5 Other Ways Baseball Can Modernize The Game

Now that baseball has proven that they can adapt to the modern times by adopting Instant Replay, we at the Deuce think it's time for the great American past time to take a few more steps to becoming a modern day sporting bonanza. Here's a few other ways that we think Major League Baseball can take steps towards modernizing the game for the 2000s.

1) Allow Cheerleaders

The NFL has them, the NBA has them, NHL even has rink girls, baseball needs cheerleaders. Who wouldn't rather see a bunch of cheerleaders dancing on the dugout instead of homer run homer? Baseball has to realize, like all the other sports already have, that sex sells and people need that sexually charged visual stimuli when there is a break in the action...which there are a ton of in a typical baseball game. Teams in Latin America and the minor leagues have already thought of this, the pros need to up their game.
2) Turn on a Pitch Clock

Think of what the 24 second clock and the 35 second clock have done for basketball and football. They've sped up the game and made it more enjoyable with constant action and less farting around. With a pitch clock, the pitcher would have something like 15 seconds to get the pitch off from the moment that he catches the ball from his catcher. No more shaking off pitches and running through the count again, no more constant glances to a base with no throw, no more standing around playing with the rosin bag and scratching yourself waiting for something to happen. If the pitch isn't thrown, the batter gets an automatic ball.

3) Screw It, No More Umps, Computerize it all.

Baseball is not a game where a human's discretion really should into play. There are no penalties or fouls. There is just whether the ball is inside or outside lines, whether the player touches a base and whether the ball touches the player or not. Certainly, the current margin of error can be erased with modern technology. With instant replay now in effect, baseball has made a great stride but it is time for them to go all the way. Tennis employs the Hawk Eye technology which can be used for line calls, cricket is testing it out right now as well, so why can baseball not use them for foul lines?

Baseball has already tested out the Questec system for balls and strikes, why not use it full time? This would take out individual strike zones for umpires favoring pitchers or batters on any given night. It'll be a level playing field for all.

For whether or not a player is out, bio-kinetic sensors and microchips in the balls, gloves and bases could easily tell if contact with a player was made before contact with a bag was made no longer making the ghost base tag force out allowable. The game would finally be played the way it was supposed to be played without umpire's personal preferences getting in the way.

4) No More Rainouts

Be a man, get wet you pansies. No real sport played outdoors cancels a game because it is raining or snowing. Nascar will do it because you're in a vehicle flying around a track at 200mph and its a bit dangerous to bank when you're hydroplaning. Tennis and Cricket will do it because...well because they are a bunch of pansies. Baseball should strive to be tougher than tennis and cricket players. Dangerous lighting is a perfectly good reason to stop a game, but rain? Come on, you play outside, deal with the weather.

5) Relegation

This would redefine modern baseball as we know it. Take a page from the English Premiership and force the lowest performing teams drop down, out of the Majors, and allow the best lower level league teams move up to the Majors. Crazy? Sure it is, but will it force bottom feeders like the Royals and the Nationals to get their shit together and get it together quick or there will be no more MLB television revenue coming in. Its a reward system for not sucking and makes the super long regular season almost more meaningful than the playoffs and certainly more meaningful than it currently is.

So here's how it would be done. The easy way to do it is to take the 3 worst teams from each league right now, 6 teams overall and drop them down into the newly created lower level that we will for now call AAAA. Baseball functioned quite fine before the expansions to 26 then 30 teams with a 162 game schedule and it will again. Then, add in 2 expansion teams to the new league make it a nice 8 team league (like the AL and the NL were before expansion in the 60s) and have them play the old 154 game schedule. Bingo bango you now have the Major League Baseball - Premier League of 24 teams and the Major League Baseball AAAA League of 8 teams. Every year, the worst team in the AL and NL would drop down to the 4A league and be shamed and the best 2 teams would pop up to the Premier league.

Now that is exciting baseball. The Nationals right now are no more than a AAAA league team anyway, they should be playing against teams that are more their level until they can make it up to professional standards.

Man...one can dream.

Baseball photo by Matt McGee

This Announcer Has A Firm Grasp of History

Its difficult to really understand what on EARTH announcer Willie Oviedo was thinking when he came up with this Anchorman like Olympics history lesson.

Fire In The Hole

Proctologists prepare to enter Charles Barkley's ass.

Sir Charles loves him some golf and Patron. Add colonoscopies to the list of things he loves.

Old Chinese Women Kill Olympic Buzz

Stupid old hags. You old Chinese women have some nerve. Protesting about abuses and corruption. Don't they know the Olympics are happening? Don't they know all is well and there's nothing to see in China besides the glory of the Middle Kingdom? Don't you know your home was sacrificed for the betterment of the country? Can't you see NBC is filming an infomercial about all the wonderful things China has to offer? Re-education through labor will make you see how your request to protest would ruin everything. Sluts.

At Least Oliver McCall Didn't Run

Sure he may have cried but he didn't run. That's more than Jerry "Harm's Way" Hackney can say.




Via The Comedy Feed

Kneel Before Fat P*ssy Toad

I can see it now. Hideki Irabu moping at the bar and flicking peanuts at the bartender before being told to pay his tab and get the fuck out. "Why peanut no work for Fat Pussy Toad? Work for Supaman ... BANZAI!!!"

The former Yankees pitcher was arrested in Osaka after "assaulting a bartender after drinking 20 mugs of beer". He flew into a rage after his credit card was rejected. He "pushed the bartender against the wall, grabbed his hair, smashed at least nine liquor bottles ... and paid the bill with another credit card."

That must have really messed with the bartender. Kamikaze rage to "Oh wow, I'm so sorry. I have no idea why my card doesn't work. I'm not even close to my limit." Maybe he transformed into Fat Pussy Toad like David Banner into the Hulk. That must have been a sight for everyone in the bar. A shaking toad full of rageahol paying its tab with a credit card. They'll give credit to anyone or anything these days.

Stop The Presses! Celebrity Exaggerates About Sports Allegiance!

John Cusack might think he'd be better off dead after his last entry on The Huffington Post. He wrote about his childhood memories of going to Cubs games at Wrigley Field. You say how nice. Well they would be if they were true.

Page Six is all over Cusack as people have been coming out of the woodwork to point out the numerous inconsistencies and "mistruths" littering his post.

Wrigley Field and all-things-Cubs, when Jose Cardenal was the only player who could really play. When it was Mick Kelleher and Larry Biittner and George " the Baron" Mitterwald -- and Pete LaCock on first base and "Tarzan" Joe Wallis in centerfield. And Bruce Sutter with that unhittable split-fingered fastball... Ride the El up from Evanston, change on the Howard line and take the Express to Wrigley -- which I did as many times as I could scrape together $2.50 for a one-way kamikaze mission, and another $1.75 for bleacher seats, then steal hot dogs and Cokes from the vendors before taking the train home after the game...

Bloggers everywhere have gone to town on the post. He's so choked up over his childhood memories that he can't remember when players like Sammy Sosa played or how to spell their names. Someone from the Beechwood Reporter has no sympathy for the rich kid living on Sheridan Ave. in Evanston scraping together $1.75 from the money tree on his front lawn. Let's not even talk about getting Red Line service wrong.

Ah whatever. The point Cusack's trying to make is a good one and one that I happen to support. Chicago is a great sports town. However you should probably get your facts straight if you're going to put yourself out there. Legions of bloggers in their mom's basements have nothing better to do than rip you apart if you slip. Then again we also can't be too judgmental. He is writing from Bangkok. He's probably chock-a-block with ladyboy cock and busy betting on elephant polo. I'm surprised he had time to write even with Arianna on his ass.

Eat The Clock: Competitive Eating Comes To Food Network

I don't know if Food Network can ever make up for imposing Rachel Ray and The Neelys on us. However Eat The Clock could be a good start.

Eat The Clock is a competitive eating show described in the Hollywood Reporter as "a cross between an eating competition and 'The Amazing Race.' Two teams of contestants follow clues to various Los Angeles eateries and enjoy culinary treats."

Upon further review, it seems that gluttony won't be a big part of the show. Food Network is turning into a cocktease. Fuck them. Who wants another version of the Amazing Race? "I know, let's copy the Amazing Race and limit it to one city! People will love that! Next season, we can do it in Wilmington!"

The show should be a cross between a competitive eating contest and the Running Man. Imagine Eric "Badlands" Booker (pictured above) chasing the Neelys down a street and silencing that fucking yammering with his detachable jaw. Rachel Ray would never see the end coming from Joey Chestnut or Kobayashi until it was too late. BBQ sauce would cover her head as everything goes black and we win money. Too bad Richard Dawson isn't alive to host this show. Bob Barker, Wink Martindale or Chuck Woolery could handle it with ease.

Jay Feely Probably Shouldn't Show Up For The Dolphins' 1-15 Ring Presentation

Jay Feely didn't hide how he really felt about the Dolphins when he said, "You can see the lack of talent that still exists here". Many of his ex-Dolphins teammates took exception to his comments.

Channing Crowder said, ''He was part of the lack of talent we got rid of! Now we can go 0-16!" He probably (meaning he didn't) didn't say that second part. Maybe it does take a lot of talent to go 1-15. Then again we probably shouldn't put much stock into anything Crowder says considering he didn't know they spoke English in England.

Vonnie Holliday went a step further and called his comments "Tiki Barberish". Tiki responded by saying he always backed Eli and knew he would win the Super Bowl. He also asked if he could have a ring because he inspired Eli to okayness.

Of course, Joey Porter had to say something in order to justify his salary.

You know you have a lack of talent if Chad Pennington is considered an upgrade. This idiot kicker may have a bit of the savant about him.

More Questions You Don't Want Answers To

Yes. Yes they are.

If you can't read the sign, it says, "Jack, are the Villa more important than our marriage? It's over, Jess." Jack isn't there to hear your question so I think you know the answer, Jess. You lose.

Daunte Culpepper Should Start A Support Group With Aaron Brooks

Somebody call the wahmbulance. People just don't appreciate Daunte Culpepper's skills. Last week, he lost out on the chance to play in Pittsburgh because he deluded himself into thinking he would be able to compete with Big Ben for the starter's job. Now he finds himself sitting at home waiting for the phone to ring.

He works out and throws daily at his home in Florida. He also serves as his own agent, causing many to use the old line that he has a fool for a client.

...Instead of "hoping" for a roster spot in mid-August, Culpepper could have had one in April when the Packers offered him a one-year, $1 million deal.

"When I visited the Packers, I felt real good about the opportunity to back up Aaron [Rodgers] on a good team," Culpepper said. "I just sensed that when it was time to negotiate that there were some unresolved issues that kept them from giving me a market-value offer. I think that the Brett Favre situation was in the background while they were dealing with me."

Then why not take the Steelers' offer last Sunday?

"I just was not willing to take the vet minimum and no guaranteed roster spot," said Culpepper, referring to the $730,000 salary.

Hope Daunte has Sunday Ticket on his sex boat. It's a long season when you're sitting on your ass. At least he knows what it's like to be a Liverpool fan. You know with the whole not having a job thing.

Jackie Has Some Skills With The Balls

Gary Oldman should have reverted to his character Jackie Flannery from State of Grace (NSFW - language) or Bex from The Firm while filming a commercial for ITV's football ad promotion. Check this outtake where he shows off for the camera.



Who knew Friar Fuck had skills?

Ah So. Ah No. Argentina Loves Slanty Eyes Too

It's interesting how my friend Don Francisco Dos (He's a Don Francisco imitator) has nothing good to say about Argentina. They think they're better than everyone else. They're wannabe Europeans. In their defense, there are quite a few Nazis down there so they can claim Europe or the Sudetenland at the very least. They do try their hardest to emulate Europe whether it be the constant protesting of the French or not-so subtle anti-Semitism of the whole continent. Sometimes they anticipate trends like the Spanish commitment to racism.

The four ladies above posing with the slanty eyes are members of the Argentina women's Olympic soccer team. The picture was used in a sports paper to accompany a preview of their first Olympic match. It was taken about a week before the infamous Spanish basketball and tennis pictures.

The Argentines haven't gotten any beef for the pictures yet. Maybe the Spanish took most of the heat especially after their refusal to understand why the poses were so racist. Former Spanish national soccer team manager Luis Aragones heard about the pictures and called with a message for Argentina. "Tell those amarillas de mierda [yellow shits] that you are much better than them. Don't hold back, tell them. Tell them from me. You have to believe in yourself, you're better than those amarillas de mierda!" They lost all their games including their last one against China 2-0.

Step Your Game Up, America

How many times do we have to watch a sporting event in this country where the fans have to be told what to say or sing by the PA system? Is D-Fence the best we can do? If so, we might as well pack it up. American fandom is like Bollywood. We're stuck in a moment and we can't get out of ... Fuck I was writing that and I just realized I'm quoting a U2 song. I'm going to punch myself in the balls for that after I finish this post.

Check these non-league soccer fans from England. The goalie just let in a soft goal during a match between Welling United and Maidstone. The fans wasted no time letting him know exactly what they thought of him.



Are we going to let ourselves be shown up by a bunch of part-timers? Are we going to be held hostage by arena sound systems and organs? We gotta eat lightning and crap thunder, America. Fuck yeah.

This is One Delicious Shoe

Yum...the Nike Air Max 90 burger by artist Olle Hemmendorff. This burger "shoe" was commissioned by Nike who wanted artists to interpret their shoes in art, thankfully Olle realized that there is no better medium than a dozen or so all beef patties on a sesame seed bun. ESPNZone needs to figure out a way to serve this, it might be the only way I stop in one of those. Mmmmm burgers...

From B come Boh via Neatorama

Random Video of Horrific Violence: "Golf Ball Headshot"

BOOM...HEADSHOT!

Golf Ball Knockout - Watch more free videos

My Name Is Darryl But You Can Call Me D

Athlete and rapper. Together at last like peanuts and gum. There's not much better than hearing athletes embarass themselves on wax. "I'm great on the field or court so how could I not also be good at the rap game." The list of wack sports rappers is long. Kobe, AI, Neon Deion, Shaq, Chicago Bears, MC Hammer (well he was a batboy). Who was the first athlete to go solo on wax? I'm not sure but Darryl Strawberry had to be one of the first to do it.

You might have forgotten about this gem called "Chocolate Strawberry" recorded by Darryl, UTFO and Run DMC in 1987.

When I'm runnin, all the players make space
My name is Darryl, I'm a baseball player
One thing I forgot to say-a
When I'm on the field I'm on top of the world
I get screams from all the girls (Dar-ryl!)

Eat your heart out, Roger Craig. These lyrics are funky fresh!

We'll leave you with these two works of brilliance for Friday. These first has the added bonus of Roger Craig rapping and Jerry Rice doing the K-Swiss. We give you the 49ers Rap.




This is the coup de grace. Not only does it feature Deion Sanders but it also showcases MC Hammer and the one and only Jean Claude Van Damme. There's nothing the Belgian Bomber can't do.

It Might Be A Good Time To Drug Test Rio Ferdinand

Hi, I'm Rio Ferdinand. You might remember me from missed drug tests such as 2003. It might be time to test him again. He's either trying to merk his kid or he done lost his mind.

Ferdinand is so in love with actor Lorenz Tate that he's named both of his kids after him. Lorenz was born in 2006 and Tate was born last week.

"[Wife] Becky and I love the name Larenz Tate and couldn't decide which one to go for. But now we have another child, we've got both the names."

If he was going to name his kids after Tate, he should have used his name from The Postman. He could be the proud father of Ford and Lincoln. He'd have Mercury left over if he and the wifey decide to pop out another shorty in the future.

I was planning on naming my kids after Shirley Hemphill and Fred Barry. However my first born will be named after Jimmy Walker's character in Let's Do It Again. I can't wait to bore you all with pictures of little Bootney Farnsworth Redonkulous. Mongo Slade will be followed by Biggie Smalls cause he's the illest.

Forget Hard Knocks. HBO Needs To Peep This Idea

Jay Cutler is all about tough love. He slammed WR Brandon Marshall after he cut himself "slipping on a McDonald's bag". However he's not about to give up on his boy even though he's probably going to serve a two to three game suspension for violating the NFL's code of conduct.

Marshall plans on crashing at Cutler's pad during his suspension and engage in some home schooling. He plans on studying the playbook and film in addition to working out with Cutler at night. Who knows if this will start him on the path to wholesome living but it's worth a try.

T.O. is supposed to watch over Pacman in Dallas. Pacman should move in with T.O. and HBO should film it as a reality show or a sitcom. They could call it "TnA" or "That's Pac!". How great would that be? Screw watching players fall asleep in meetings or rookies getting cut. Imagine T.O. coming home to find Pacman installed a stripper pole and DJ booth in his house while he was at work. T.O. could open his door only to see some big booty hoes working the pole in his living room. Pac and Luther Campbell (uncensored so careful if you're at work) would be making it rain and smoking cigars while "Hoochie Mama" (also uncensored) blasts in the background. Another episode could have a unreinstated, bored Pacman try to work T.O.'s alleged BangBros.com connnections so he can film his own porn on the star in Texas Stadium. Jason Garrett would have to be in this one as the assistant coach who plays the choir boy but really calls himself "Freak Nasty" and creeps out the porn stars with his fetish demands like being slapped in the balls with a donkey dildo wielded by a 300 lb Eskimo girl while having tartar sauce thrown and rubbed all over his face. Who's got Pacman Fever now?

Vincet Askew Might Need A Lawyer

Former Seattle Supersonic and Albany Patroons head coach Vincent Askew, seen here with some Patroons cheerleaders, was arrested yesterday for allegedly having sex with a 16 year old girl at a hotel in Florida. He allegedly told the girl he was a high school basketball coach (which he isnt), that he was scouting her (which he was...but not for basketball purposes) and trying to recruit her for his team (which, again, he doesn't have). Got that?

I don't even know if i can muster the mental strength it would take to come up with an original quip about yet another athlete engaging in yet another sexual encounter with an under-age female. Its just become too common at this point. You kind of wake up in the morning and if you don't hear about it on the radio you wonder, "hm...something seems off today, I wonder what it is...oh right, i haven't heard anything about an athlete sexually assulting a teenager. Today must be one of those GOOD days I hear people talk about." Sad, just sad.

Via Captial 9 News

A Glass Joe Imitation For The Ages

I wonder if Mohawk Indians and Mr. T felt this punch.

Tiki Barber Swallows His Pride For Our Entertainment

Tiki Barber is really doing some innovative things with his gig at NBC. Watch the former all pro footballer suck up a lot of pride and allow himself to be picked up and carried over the shoulder of Rulon Gardner, the giant Olympic wrestling gold medalist, while covering the Olympics over in Beijing. If you look carefully you can actually see some of his pride and ego escaping him. He knows he's a hack. Also, you gotta love the sweat stains on Rulon as well. That man would sweat while pouring cereal.

Via Oliver Willis

Steven Jackson Continues Plot To Ruin Your Fantasy Football Team

Steven Jackson's training camp holdout is now over 20 days long and he's been fined over $300,000 for his insubordination. Strange that he isn't there because he wants more money but is giving up $300k, weird how that works. In any case, he's not close to coming into camp any time soon as his agents and the team have only just started to have "low-level" talks about a new deal, which is probably going something like

"He's really not coming back is he?"
"Nope."
"How much more does he want?"
"How much more you got?"
"Fuck you."

At least that's how I imagine it. What is lost in this coverage is not the impact that this is having on the team, SJax's career, or his agent's ability to land any more clients if this holdout doesnt work, no, what is lost in this coverage is the impact that this is having on fantasy football players everywhere.

It was bad enough last year when Jackson was hurt for most the year, and when he was healthy was running behind a shambles of an offensive line. Now, he hasn't practiced a day of football leading up to the season. That isn't good for you. Statistically, its horrible for you says Dick Vermeil,

"Carl Peterson did a study for the Kansas City Chiefs," Vermeil said. "He's one of the most experienced presidents-general managers in the National Football League.

"He's been there since 1989, and he's done studies as to holdouts. Not only in Kansas City, but all through the league. He says there's a much higher correlation or a chance of getting injured after holding out, regardless of position."

Someone is going to have to draft this guy, and draft him in the first round, and will basically be taking the old maid. Someone is going to look at his draft guides, see that there is no way that Stephen Jackson should be available at the 6th or 7th pick in the first round. Someone is going to have to now make a choice to either draft Marshawn Lynch, Clinton Portis or Stephen Jackson...and inevitably they will take SJax because "He's only 25! He could run for 2000 yards! Its a steal!! It would be over valuing those scrubs taking them here!" That same someone, will end up losing this year for it.

I'm not sayin that someone is me...but i'm fuckin' pissed about this holdout.

The Marvin Gaye Anthem

You might've seen that Nike commercial during the Olympics coverage that features Marvin Gaye singing the National Anthem. Its a pretty neat commercial if you have seen it, and if not go ahead and check the link. If you wanted to see the full version of Marvin singing the Star Spangled Banner though without the basketball players doing their thing though here it is in all its soul-icious glory. That Marvin is one baaaaaaaaad man.

Opinion may differ but Lil' Wayne hasn't been the same since Mannie Fresh broke camp. Speaking of broke, Young Weezy seems to have a hard time paying for the blingy. Not like the old days when Cash Money paid some clown to hold their ice.

Sometimes You Get The Sh*ts And Sometimes The Sh*ts Get You

Hey there, dog shit boy. Flying through the air so fancy free. It's hard thing to get your mind around complex shit like abstract math. It's also hard to keep complex shit in once it gets the mind to cut loose. Just ask the Swiss.

What would you say about a shit so strong that it could cut off electricity? Impossible you say? Artist Paul McCarthy would beg to differ. An inflatable dog shit sculpture created by McCarthy broke free of its moorings and floated away from a Swiss museum. It managed to break a greenhouse window and take down power lines before falling back to earth ... on the lawn of a children's home.

"...The museum was not sure if Complex Shit would be put back on display."

The deuce is reportedly as large as a house. I'll never describe any of my masterpieces that way again. A security system was supposed to deflate the crap in case of a storm but it malfunctioned and allowed the shit to float away. Sometimes the shit just got to be free like Minnie Ripperton.

You can take the criminal out of Cincinnati but....Actually you can't. Guess who might be back.

This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things

What the hell is going on in Philadelphia? Eagles fans have always been known for their class. Lack of it, that is. However they've rarely stooped to the level of a Scouser. It's a known known that when you sign for Liverpool, you do so with the assumption that your house will be robbed by your fans. This usually happens during an important game. Either some Scousers stowed away to Philly or Eagles fans have taken it on themselves to emulate their idols.

Broderick Bunkley's house was robbed while he was away at a preseason game in Pittsburgh. He came home to find his house "ransacked". In addition to several gaming system, he had legal handguns and rifles stolen.

"Neighbors said Bunkley has always had a security system, and that he's very friendly and polite..."

They also said he's clean. What the hell does friendly and polite have to do with being robbed while you're away? The Eagles might want to consider throwing the season (like they have a choice). The better they do, the more their homes will be robbed.

Gary Glitter is probably sitting in a Vietnamese jail saying, "Every time I take a kid, it's a bloody outrage. What the fuck?"

Chad Ocho Cinco? Don't Play With My Emotions

David Stern has to be losing it over players heading to Europe. Just wait until a marquee player decides to cross the pond. Depends time. Roger Goodell is probably laughing at Stern. "Stupid Stern. Giving players their rights and shit. You should have union that bends over on command. Ain't that right, Genie Baby?" NFL players can't do much of anything so it's always good to have people like Chad Johnson around.

Pro Football Talk reports that Chad Johnson may be on the verge of doing something so stupid, it's brilliant. He may be legally changing his name to Ocho Cinco.

Cinco was fined $5000 for having "Ocho Cinco" on his jersey last season so he's considering a name change in Florida. His new name would be Chad Ocho Cinco. This would presumably allow him to out Cinco on his back. His jersey would blow up in the stores. PFT also points out that players get a cut of their jersey sales so the change would result in straight cash for our homey in Cincinnati.

I don't want to believe this in case it isn't true. Please let it be. Even if it is true, Goodell will probably find some way to crush it Putin-style.

Random Video Of Horrific Violence, Part Deux

Just like New Jack City. Rock-a-bye, baby.

Lions Fans In Training For Upcoming Season

You'd think Matt Millen would give Lions fan Mike Lazzara the VIP treatment after he went off on Mike Roy Williams during practice yesterday. However he's too stupid to see the scapegoat in front of him even though it's gnawing on his balls.

Lazzara was tossed out of practice after heckling Williams and FB Jerome Felton. He yelled at Williams about taking plays off several times until Williams came over and confronted him.

“It just came out of nowhere, and I was like, ‘Huh?’ ” Williams said. “And he said it again, and I was just like, ‘What?’ And he said it again.”

Asked why he confronted Lazzara instead of ignoring him, Williams said: “I just wanted to know, ‘Where is he getting that from?’ And he said, ‘You take plays off in the season.’ And I said, ‘Well, why don’t you come and do my job and I’ll do your job and let’s see how it works.’ He said it again, and I said, ‘Yes, sir. All right.’ And I walked off.”

Lazzara was eventually led out by security after being booed by the seven other fans in attendance. He did have a point in saying that "There’s no signs that say you’ve got to stay positive.”

“I wasn’t yelling and screaming and using profanity and all this at Roy. I was just being constructive, and they boot me out. I mean, what in the world? Don’t even open it.’

I mean, really! Seriously? Talk to the hand, guy! Who knows why he's getting all worked up? Jesus told Jon Kitna that the Lions are winning 10 games this season so it's all good. There's still plenty of time to suck for the players. Fans probably aren't going off on Millen yet because they don't want to show their hand before the regular season starts.


Via Detroit Free Press

That's Not Kosher

Nice to see prejudice is a one way street when it comes to soccer in Israel. Beitar Jerusalem midfielder Derek Boateng was subjected to racial abuse that would have made Lazio fans and Spain coach Luis Aragones proud. The abuse was dished out by his own fans who were furious at Beitar's exit from the Champions League.

Beitar supporters are known for being extremist, right-wing ultras. Their racialism is usually directed at Arabs. Unfortunately for Boateng, he caught it full blast. Here's the video.



Besides the monkey noises, Boateng was subjected to chants of "Derek Boateng is a monkey" and "Derek Boateng is a son of a bitch". Other reports have noted that chants of "nigger" were also thrown in. I don't speak Hebrew but the reports I've seen seem to confirm each other and the one translation we were given also confirms what has been reported so far**. The hate continued until the fans were confronted by the team captain and another Israeli international.

The story gets stranger ... no, more fucked up. Boateng came out and denied the incident took place. Apparently, the club threatened to sack him after he made gestures to the fans in response to the abuse. Ghanaian news sites are calling him a compulsive liar for trying to cover up the situation. The guy can't win for trying. It's unclear what his contract situation is but he needs to get away from Beitar as soon as possible.


** It would be good to get another first-hand translation in case I'm missing some other insults.

I've tried to track down the story Real Sports did on Beitar and their ultras but I've had no luck so far.

Shit, somebody keep an eye on Kevin Bacon. We don't need any Hollow Man recreations. The movie was bad enough.

You Do Not Want To Get Between Gary Sheffield and Jim Leyland

Please let Gary Sheffield keep talking about his situation in Detroit. He already has manager Jim Leyland "flabbergasted" and we all know how he can lose his shit at the drop of a cigarette butt.

Sheff is pissed off again. Detroit is nowhere close to being a winner and he has to play DH.

"I can be in the outfield and play every day. I don't want to DH. I don't feel like a baseball player when I DH. I don't know how to be the leader that I am from the bench. I can't be a vocal leader. I can't talk to guys from the bench because I don't feel right about it.

"I don't prefer platooning here, but I understand because I got off to a slow start, that's part of it, but I feel I'm playing better now. I'm back to being a threat I need to be.

That doesn't sound too bad considering some of the other things Sheffield has said over his career justified or not. Too bad Leyland doesn't see it the same way.

"I told him that all I had here for him was a DH. If he did not want to accept that, do not accept the trade," Leyland recalled. "I'm still confused by the article because it talks about 'platoon doesn't set well.' Gary Sheffield never platooned here.

"Platoon is when you have a left-hand hitter and a right-hand hitter. One plays against right-hand pitching and one plays against left-hand pitching. That is a platoon."

"Anybody that has a brain knows that's not a platoon," Leyland said.

Leyland also claimed that Sheffield couldn't throw from the outfield because he wasn't fully healed. It seems as though they both have a point but it depends on whether Sheffield is healthy enough to play the field.

It doesn't sound like Leyland's going to do anything about it and GM Dave Dombrowski doesn't care either. It's a safe bet that Sheff won't quit when he does play unlike Manny but he'll raise a stink until the end of the season if he doesn't get his way. Smoke 'em if you got 'em, Jim. It's gonna be a long month and a half.

Watch out, Chicago. The Riot says Ryan Dempster is going to be getting his improv on at Second City in the next couple of weeks. Keep an eye out and feel free to pass on any reports.

Blake Aldridge Is Like School On A Saturday

Really? Synchronized diving? What won't they let into the Olympics? Baseball and softball should feel terrible about being kicked out while synchronized diving and rhythmic gymnastics stick around. I can't wait for donkey jousting. Hopefully synchronized divers aren't all whiny bitches like English diver Blake Aldridge.

Aldridge wasted no time in throwing his partner Tom Daley under the bus after the duo finished last in the competition.

"I didn't blow anything, so I can go home happy," said Aldridge.

"Unfortunately it's a partnership, you both have to be on the top of your game. I wasn't on top of my game but Tom was nowhere near the top of his."

The pair were in third after the first dive but quickly dropped after several mistakes. There was also a "spat" between them between the 4th and 5th dives because Aldridge was on the phone with his mother. Daley asked him, "Why are you on the phone? We're still in the competition and we've got another dive to do."

"That's just Thomas - he's over-nervous. Thomas should not be worrying about what I'm doing but he was worrying about everyone and everything and that to me is really the sole reason why he didn't perform."

Daley took the high road and admitted being nervous. He said they both had a bad day and didn't do as well as they would have liked.

Here's the kicker. Aldridge is 26 and Daley is 14. Who sounds more mature and level-headed? Throwing a 14 year old under the bus for legitimately taking you to task? Stay classy, Blake.


Via BBC Sport

Random Video Of Horrific Violence, Part I

I don't know why he's so upset. That's a great view.

China Has The Look Of A Paper Champion

Did you watching the opening ceremonies? Did you know that every time you ooh'ed and aah'ed, a minority was beat up somewhere in China? Expect big things out of the Chinese in synchronized monk beating.

You weren't the only one impressed by the scale of the opening ceremonies. The media called it the greatest opening ceremony ever. One problem. It was fake. Those giant footprints in the sky? CGI "meticulously created over a period of months and inserted into the coverage electronically at exactly the right moment".

Gao Xiaolong, head of the visual effects team for the ceremony, said it had taken almost a year to create the 55-second sequence. Meticulous efforts were made to ensure the sequence was as unnoticeable as possible: they sought advice from the Beijing meteorological office as to how to recreate the hazy effects of Beijing's smog at night, and inserted a slight camera shake effect to simulate the idea that it was filmed from a helicopter.

"Seeing how it worked out, it was still a bit too bright compared to the actual fireworks," he said. "But most of the audience thought it was filmed live - so that was mission accomplished."

Gotcha, roundeye.


Via The Telegraph

The Ravens have so many injuries that the coaches and offensive players are being forced to play special teams. Maybe Boller can pull an Ankiel.

Spain's Olympic Basketball Team Looking To Offend China

This is an advertisement for a courier company, which took out a full page in the country's best selling newspaper Marca...showing Spain's Olympic Basketball team in full "slanty eye" mode. Apparently they thought no one would mind this. Anyone get the feeling that someone else might be gettin stabby while out there in China?

Via the Guardian UK

I Can Assure You, Theo Epstein, That When You Come, I Shall Revenge To You

Manny can't let go. It's that or the New York Post and Yankee fans are so desperate that they're willing to create any scenario to make the team better now that Pinstripe Jesus is on the DL.

The Post claims that Manny has no intention of staying in LA after the season. He wants to sign with the Yankees just so he can play the Red Sox and stick it to them. He did go to George Washington High in Washington Heights so there is some connection however it's unlikely that his high school is what would pull him back to New York.

Agent Scott Boras is probably going through several pairs of underwear thinking of the fee he can pull down for himself if he can work a deal between the Yankees and Manny. A bidding war between the Yankees and LA would suit him just fine. Dodger fans should enjoy Manny while he's around but they might not want to get too attached to him this season.

What The Hell Is In That Glass?

I'm not sure why the application of the malk mustache is so disturbing. It's like we've jumped to the end of some messed up internet porn clip. Don't front like you don't know what I'm talkin' bout.



Is there a donkey in the Bunker Suite?

Daunte Culpepper Won't Be Getting His Roll On In Pittsburgh

At least Aaron Brooks sits at home and wonders why he doesn't get any calls from teams looking for quarterbacks. It may have something to do with backwards passes and scrambling for -25 yards before being sacked.

Then there's Daunte Culpepper. He and Byron Leftwich had the good fortune of being flown to Steelers training camp for a workout after backup Charlie Batch broke his collarbone. Both of them impressed however Leftwich is staying and Culpepper is going home. Leftwich got with the program while Culpepper thought he was going to compete for the starting job against Ben Roethlisberger.

PFT seems to think that Culpepper still has a chance to sign if he gets off whatever he's on and realizes that he would only be there to cover for Batch in his absence. You almost want to salute Culpepper's drive to become a starter again. However he needs realize that he's not going to get that chance especially on a team with a Super Bowl winning franchise QB. He needs to latch onto a team and hope the starter goes down so he gets a chance. If he impresses, he'll have a good chance of being signed to a stupid contract by the Ravens cause that's how we do. He'll be able to buy 20 sex boats with all the money he'll get for being mediocre.

Ricky Hatton Fights Donerkabobs And Loses

Vacation sure has been treating The Hitman well. He's on vacation in Turkey and apparently spending his time singing karaoke while inhaling donerkabobs and chicken adana. Don't worry, Citeh fans. He always does this before he starts training. He'll be in fight shape by November.

You're probably wondering if he's any good at karaoke. We don't have any Turkish footage but we do have him doing Elvis. You probably want to turn it down and move your shorties and pets away from the speakers.



Good thing he fights better than he sings.

Ummm ... No.

Wake Up, Volk

August is one of the greatest months in the sporting calendar for someone like me. Football training camps are in full effect and the European soccer season finally begins. No longer do I have to dabble in lesser leagues and sports.

The German Bundesliga has wasted no time in delivering quality blogging material. Here's a quality facial courtesy of The Beautiful Game.



Look alive, jungen. Two birds with one stone. I think that's exactly what they meant by that expression. I also think I think they're rubbing 'Tussin on her face at the end. Way to be an ubermensch, little girl.

The Worst Olympic Trial Ever

This is just hilarious.

Exodus: Movement Of Jah People

What if NBA players gave commission David Stern a taste of his own medicine in response to his increasingly dictatorial rule over the league? Instead of fighting the new rules, he and the owners could run their league in whatever way they see fit. They would just have to keep the league profitable without help from their marquee players.

Add Kobe Bryant to the list of players who is willing to listen to offers from the promised land called Europe. When asked about the possibility of playing in Europe, he said,

“I’d go. I’d probably go,” said Bryant, during a USA Basketball press conference on Friday morning. “Like Milan or something like that, where I grew up or something like that… Peace out.”

Bryant continued: “Do you know any reasonable person that would turn down 50 (million dollars)?”

Bryant knows the language and the country. He also owns a team in the IPBL and has friends over there. Sheeeeeeit, it's almost a no-brainer.

“Because I grew up in Italy it has more significance to me because I’m more familiar with it, I’ve been there and I still have friends there,” said Bryant, a three-time NBA champion. “I’m thinking about buying a house out there. It would be nothing to me to be able to do that.”

Imagine if the NBA lost LeBron and Kobe. It's bad enough losing Earl Boykins and Josh Childress. They might as well write off the Carolina and Atlanta TV markets. If a player like White Chocolate left, they could lose the LA/Southern California market as well.

Then again, the league might be fine. Players like Starbury, Ron Artest and Tim Duncan could step in and pick up where the LeBron's and Kobe's leave off in Babylon... Hope Stern has a box of Depends on standby.

It's Funny Because It's True

"The Bucs were thought to be the favorites in the Favre sweepstakes. In fact, a group of their coaches went to a watering hole Wednesday night near the team's training facility at Disney World, thinking they were going to land Favre - until they saw the TV news flash around 1 a.m. that he was headed to the Jets."

Chad Pennington Works Out At Local High School

The New York Daily News is reporting that the Giants may be giving Chad Pennington a come hither look as they search for a viable backup for Eli Manning. They've looked at Anthony Wright, David Carr, Cleo Lemon and Todd Collins so far. Shane Folco and Cap Rooney are scheduled to work out in Albany next week.

Needless to say, Pennington was thrilled at the thought of staying in the swamps of East Rutherford. He held an open tryout at a local Jersey high school in an effort to get in front of his competition.




That's about right.

That was my skull! I'm so wasted! Dude, I am so fuckin' hungry. Hey man, what happened to all the Cheetos?

Speaking Of Manny...

It just won't end. Everything was finally wrapped up. Manny's in LA and Brett's in New York. We could all go back to our regular programming but Bud Selig had to show up a day late and a dollar short so he could start poking around like a pig searching for truffles with no sense of smell. Of course it would be a kosher pig. I'm no Mel Gibson.

Dan Shaughnessy writes that Bud has ordered his minion Rob Manfred to investigate the circumstances surrounding Manny's trade to the Dodgers last week. You've probably blocked it out already but we'll refresh your recollection. Red Sox had option on Manny for 2009 and 2010. Manny want free agent. Boras no make money on Manny unless new contract. Manny and Boras want out. Manny stop trying. Red Sox angry. Red Sox trade to Dodgers. Boras allegedly call Red Sox saying they no want trade. News comes out about call. Boras deny deny deny. Red Sox say nothing.

It's not clear what Selig wants Manfred to find out or what he would do with the information. Even if things went down as reported, what would he do? Same thing he always does. Nothing. Maybe he would just declare the trade a tie and declare a victory for fair play.

Andruw Jones can't spell his name, hit or make the fans love him. He wishes he wasn't such a dick earlier in the season now that Manny's in town and everybody loves him.

Our Long National Nightmare Is Over ... I Think

The arm of the Jets starting quarterback just aged 30 years. The body attached to it is different as well. Brett Favre has been traded to the Jets and not a minute too soon.

Jay Glazer reports that the Packers will receive a fourth-round pick but that could increase in value depending how the Jets do and how many snaps Favre takes this season. Should the Jets reach the Super Bowl and Farve reach a certain percentage of snaps, the pick could become a first-rounder.

Both teams released statements confirming the trade and licking his narcissistic ass. Finally we can hear the end of this absurd saga and focus on how much longer we have to go before an NFL player gets arrested. The college kids can't keep this up much longer.

Mike Florio over at Pro Football Talk reports that the trade also has terms preventing the Jets from trading Favre to a NFC Central team. However there's no reason the Jets couldn't trade him elsewhere if they chose to do so. For the love of everything that's holy, let's hope Woody keeps Favre in the swampland he loves so much.

There is some collateral damage as a result of this bizarre couple of weeks and the trade. Chad Pennington and his eight year-old arm could be a casualty as the Jets need to make cap room to sign Favre. Who even knows the mental state of Aaron Rogers? Favre may be gone but the Green Bay fans let him know how they feel and the team has fucked with his emotions. The Packers organization's rep has taken a hit over the wishy-washy, indecisive, bitch way they handled this drama. Let's see how he deals with the New York press when they're constantly on his ass after his first six interception game.

Kiss The Ring, Bitch

Cristiano Ronaldo thought he was big time. He thought he could do what Jaap Stam, David Beckham, Roy Keane and Ruud Van Nistelrooy couldn't do. He thought he could make Sir Alex Ferguson bend to his will. Here come the pain, big time. He's staying at Old Trafford this season.

'Sir Alex Ferguson heard my reasons, I heard his and we have an agreement that the best for both parties would be if I stay. Therefore, I can confirm that next season I will play in Manchester United.

'For a while, my desire was that Manchester would accept Real Madrid's bid. To say the opposite would be cheating people and my own conscience.'

Translation: I wanted to leave. I tried to force a move. Fergie said, "Um...no."

Fergie took the step of flying to Portugal to have a word with the wayward boy.

"I flew to Portugal some weeks ago and we cleared the air and he spoke to some of the players," Ferguson told MUTV.

"The boy has been through a troubled time in terms of the approaches from Spain but once he knew my stance, he then settled down.

..."We can put this to bed now. It's finished and the boy is a Manchester United player and that's the most important thing."

Whatever he said changed Ronaldo's tone right quick.

"I was responsible for all this controversy," [Ronaldo] added.

"I was the one who publicly expressed my desire to go to Real Madrid. I ended up being, even involuntarily, responsible for the poor relationship between the two clubs."

That's gangsta. Kunta Kinte should have realized that Fergie sells when he wants to sell and on his terms. Now he's forced to service Fergie's favorite boy on demand until the winter transfer window as an example to all others who would challenge the rule of Red Nose.

McCain Visits Marshall, Energy Plan Lost on Players

Presidential candidate John McCain showed up at Marshall University's football practice and gave the kids a pep talk like no other. This pep talk included a whole lot of his own personal hell including mostly his time serving in a war, being prisoner of war during that time and basically saying when the times get tough...suck it up. Here are his words of wisdom.

“We were a team and we had leaders. Our leaders were our senior ranking officers. They’re the ones that when we failed they picked us up and sent us back into the fight. And we didn’t always win. Sometimes it was very tough,”

Does McCain know Marshall football or what? I am thinking he is taking the under on the win totals for them this year for sure. I have no idea how this speech inspires anyone to win anything, in a nutshell he just said "You're going to lose, losing is tough, but you're going to have to pick yourselves up and go back out there...and you might lose again". Words to live by kids, words to live by.

McCain should have just kept going on with something like this. "You might lose again, because deep down inside we're all losers. I know I am. Sure you may win a little bowl, that's kinda like winning a senatorial race, you get some press, you get some accolades, but you know its pretty meaningless in the grand scheme. Just remember, be careful if you try to go for that national championship kids...if you're kinda like me, and I think we know you are, you're gonna lose."

From Wall Street Journal

Everywhere We Go,They Say Damn. Maurice Simmons is F**king Up The Program

Do I look like a muthafuckin' role model?
To a kid lookin' up ta me,
Life ain't nuthin' but bitches and money.

USC recruit Maurice Simmons takes those words to heart. Too bad he didn't realize the bitches and money were at USC and not on some street in (Where you from, fool?) Compton.

Simmons and a codefendant were found guilty of felony robbery, assault with a firearm and a misdemeanor for allowing someone to have a gun in his car. The two jacked a man on a Compton street. Simmons didn't hold the gun but it was found in his car along with the victim's possessions.

The linebacker recruit hasn't been admitted yet and now it looks as though he's got no chance in hell. Pete Carroll should look at Simmons as an opportunity to stay close to #1 Georgia. The more delinquents on a college football team, the better it does. It's been scientifically proven by the American Academy of Sciences, RAND, CERN, Cal Tech, MIT, SAIC and your moms. It also helps if one of your program's biggest backers is a rapper. See Miami. Doo Doo Brown!! (Maybe NSFW, uncensored version - Turn volume down)

Theo Fleury Tries Sport With Ball

The Calgary Vipers of the Golden Baseball League will sign former NHL all star Theo Fleury to a pro contract today and he will make his professional baseball debut Friday against the Yuma Scorpions in a double header.

Even though Fleury is 40 years old, he will undoubtedly be the most talented player on the Vipers. Have you ever heard of the Calgary Vipers? Me either. I didn't even know there was a Golden Baseball League until right now either. Sounds like the baseball version of the Senior PGA tour or something. Ya know, for players in their golden years. They say he'll just be around for those 3 days, but I smell a second career for this guy. I bet at his age he could play a mean 1st base. I am wondering if the Vipers will let him take the field or will they pinch hit for him? Lets just hope he doesn't fill his bat full of superballs or something and make a fool out of himself. Gary Coleman ruined it for everyone.

From Our Sports Central

AFLAC Finally Pays Off

Gilbert Gottfried's comedy insurance must have finally come in because he kills it in this ripped footage from the Bob Saget roast.

Welcome Back Football

Kyle Boller was just announced as the starter for the Ravens first preseason game.



It's going to be a long season for whoever ends up under center for the Ravens.

You'll Get Nothing And Like It

It's a new season and Lovie Smith has a new way of telling the Sex Cannon he's not playing. Screw meetings. How about practicing the pre-game introduction and having Kyle Orton run out with the first team? It's probably best that he get used to it now.

More evidence that women athletes don't want it bad enough. Placebo doping may actually increase performance more in male athletes. Chinese and Russian Olympians prefer to stick with the real.

Wayne Rooney's Cougar

It's been a minute since we've done a soccer roundup. In the spirit of laziness and lack of motivation to come up with something original, we bring it back like BKs and jheri curls. Randy Watson forever.

Honeymoon Over For The Special One?
The regular season hasn't even started and already Jose Mourinho is catching some heat physically and in print. What the hell have they done to him? Popped collar? Tikka tinge? He probably rides a lime green Vespa with a lime green helmet to and from the San Siro saying "Ciao!" to people as he rides by. Where's the Jose of old?


There no need for him to become the Italiguese Terry Venebles.

Jose's appearance isn't the only thing under the heat lamp. He's also catching heat from the Italian press for tearing Juventus and former Chelsea manager Claudio Ranieri a new one the size of the Holland Tunnel.

The Inter coach slammed his Juventus rival by implying he had a loser's mentality and was "nearly 70 years old" - Ranieri turns 57 in October.

You'll either find that funny or have the same reaction as the Italian press who are acting like someone's mother was molested. Comments ranged from "arrogant, offensive and in poor taste" (which isn't too far off) to "hideous". Stefano Agretesti of Corriere dello Sport was shocked that such comments would be made in Italy. Apparently he is unfamiliar with his buffoon of a prime minister, Silvio Berlusconi, who he and his fellow countrymen keep putting back in power.

Keep it up , Jose.


Lalas Doesn't Have The Skills To Pay The Bills

Everyone's catching fire in this version of the Roundup. It does feel a bit wrong to tee off on the guy that bought me beers at the Cathedral but we can't let sauce interfere with our integrity. It's all we have. Seriously, it is and we don't have very much. Buy our shit. It's hot.

Los Angeles Galaxy GM Alexi Lalas's days could be numbered if reports are correct. The Los Angeles Daily News details the continuing woes of the Galaxy and the increased pressure on Lalas. It seems as though he will end up being the fall guy for the team's capitulations.

The team atmosphere is "poisonous". Lalas and manager Ruud Guillit don't get along. Guillt and Landycakes don't get along. Beckham's crew increasingly has more say in what happens in Carson. Nick Green asserts that it was Beckham's people that hired Guillit, not Lalas. AEG exec Tim Lieweke told all parties involved to get their shit together or risk getting the chop.

To his credit, Lalas knows the writing is on the wall. One thing working in his favor is that Guillit blows up every situation he has stumbled into from Chelsea to Newcastle to the Dutch National Team. No reason why LA should be any different. Lalas has been a management failure everywhere he has worked. They should be failure buddies.

Lalas seems to be more mouth and publicity hound than a GM who knows how to create a successful product on the pitch. It would be unfair to rip him without giving him some credit. When he was GM of the Metrostars (now Red Bulls), he and other team execs came to speak to fans in order to find out what we thought was necessary to make the team better. It's rare that the management of any professional team would take time out to hole up in a bar to find out what the fans think. Maybe he should stay away from personnel decisions and focus on team outreach and fan development.


Napoli Fan Prefers Cash Over Inter's Empire Of Dirt


This is a new one. A Napoli fan successfully sued Inter Milan for existential damages after being subjected to "offensive banners and chants" during a match at the San Siro last season.

Inter have been ordered to pay €1,500 to the fan, who has chosen to remain anonymous, after their supporters showed banners at the San Siro calling Naples the "sewer of Italy". Other banners read: "Ciao cholera sufferers" and "Neapolitans have got tuberculosis" in reference to a crisis in which the streets of the southern Italian city became deluged with rotting refuse for several months following a dispute involving Camorra-run waste disposal service companies, landfill sites and the government.

Never mind the fact that there are actually huge piles of garbage all over Naples. The fan maintained that he was "indignant and deeply hurt". I fail to see how the condition of his existence was affected by these banners and chants. Any dread or alienation he feels probably comes from the shit show going on in Naples right now. Transcend, bitch.

Play Baseball Trivia and win a Treasure Hunt

This week we are being featured as part of an online sports/baseball treasure hunt sponsored by www.wildtreasure.com. Wild Treasure is a free online treasure hunt, where the first person or group to solve the hunt wins a cash prize. Go check it out, sign up and play. There are no catches, no strings attached, just free money to be won.

This isn't sports-related but it's well worth the watch. Wynton Marsalis and Wycliffe Gordon have a jazz duel from their windows. Wynton does a lot for jazz education and promotion but I'm not the biggest Wynton fan when it comes to his music. However this is pretty damn cool.



Don't worry. We'll go back to lowbrowing it.

The Fridge Ain't No Joke

Maryland Terps coach Ralph Friedgen makes players line up at the buffett table according to GPA when on the road. "Maybe sitting in the omelet line for 30minutes will motivate them to go to class a little more."

How about making them eat different food according to their GPA? The ones with the highest GPAs eat the regular food. The ones with the lower GPAs have to eat gruel or some other nondescript, bland energy providing meal. Maybe he could limit the amount of food served so the low GPAers get nothing.

Let's hope no one on the team has a learning disability or is hiding literacy problems like Dexter Manley. Drawing a line in the sand like this has to make the Fridge one of the most feared coaches in the ACC. What does he do for "team rule" violations? Make them go to bed an hour earlier or shower last? Bobby Bowden spits in your general direction. "Boys will be boys, Fridge."

Prince Fielder Falling Off The Meat Wagon

The Prince Fielder is recognizable for its barrel-shaped torso, enormous mouth and teeth, hairless body, stubby legs and tremendous size. It is similar in size to the White Rhinoceros; only elephants are consistently heavier. Despite its stocky shape and short legs, it can easily outrun a human. Prince Fielders have been clocked at 30 mph (48 km/h) while running short distances, faster than an Olympic sprinter. The Prince Fielder is regarded to be Milwaukee's most dangerous player, and is among the most aggressive players in the world.

We've also heard the rumors about Prince Fielder being a vegetarian. Come on, dawg. You really believe that? Random Video Musings brings us some video evidence to the contrary.



It looked as though Prince was about to tenderize Manny Parra in the dugout. Prince expended a great deal of energy diving for that ball. Lettuce and sprouts ain't gonna get that back. Maybe he was doing CC Sabathia a solid but that was a look of rageful hunger on his face. Prince Fielders may or may not be vegetarians but they are also quite deadly. Let this be a lesson to everyone especially the sausage racers.

Fall off a overpass and break your back? That's a taserin'.

Brentwood Academy: Where You Can Beat The S**t Out Of Life's Problems

It's been a long time since parents and their children could sit down together and watch a movie that gives kids knowledge for life from upstanding citizens. A movie that teaches them about trust, loyalty, mercy, compassion and respect for your fellow man. Kimbo Slice and Hulk Hogan are coming to the rescue with a movie that even batshit crazy Kirk Cameron would give four Holy Grails.

Slice and Thunderlips are joining forces and starring in a "hilarious kids comedy" called "Kung Fu U" in 3D. How is an unmade movie hilarious?

"Kung Fu U" in 3D is a Disney-type comedy about of a bunch of nerds and misfits that are sent away by their wealthy parents to the Brentwood Academy (a.k.a. Kung Fu U) to learn the finer arts of self-defense. It's a heart-warming romp where the rather weathered warriors come to the rescue for the kids, and in turn, the kids rescue the warriors' seemingly lost souls from what had been their eternal apathy. It's a feel-good story that reminds us that we're all the same, no matter what our age, or where we came from, and that we should all stick together.

No doubt hilarity will ensue from the opening credits! Kimbo can teach the kids about showing mercy and compassion (profanity in video).

The little Hulkamanics will also learn that bad things happen to people because they deserve it. Lessons from Jebus if you will. Learn about sticking together and fucking your daughter's best friend who happens to look like your daughter. What's someone else's is yours. It's family! You could always pull the Bill Clinton and go for the closest thing. That's being resourceful. Ramming speed! It doesn't matter cause we're all the same no matter what our age!

There's no word on whether Lawrence Phillips, Brett Myers and OJ will be guest lecturers at Brentwood Academy.

Vince Carter can't get it done at the club either.

Bullfighting Is Played Out Like Kwamé And Them Polka Dots

The Bull Jumpers - Watch more free videos

Running with the bulls? Kid's play. Bullfighting? Amateur night. We'll see you bull jumping. Let's see your cojones now, pendejo.

Wayne Rooney's WAG thinks she's a celebrity in her own right. George Clooney's ex says the same thing. Someone needs to check these chickenheads and fast.

What I Had Meant To Say Was...

"I keep my confidence on myself. I believe you make your own destination." (Tu fallas.)

Remember all that talk from Manny about not caring where he was traded even if it was to Iraq? Yeah, check that. It was all a front.

The Boston Globe reported that Manny was trying to make some moves on the DL to keep himself in Boston while talking shit to the press about the team and his apathy towards his situation.

Of all the Manny moments in Boston, the last ranks as one of the most confounding. Within an hour after Red Sox general manager Theo Epstein informed Manny Ramírez he had been traded to the Los Angeles Dodgers Thursday, Ramírez's agent, Scott Boras, called the Sox back, according to a source with direct knowledge of the negotiations. If the Sox dropped the option years on his contract - which they had agreed to do if they traded him - Boras said Ramírez would not be a problem the rest of the season.

For the Sox, the source said, Ramírez's pledge of good behavior only served as a tacit admission that his disruptive conduct of the last couple of weeks had been calculated, and they had had good cause to suspect more was in the offing if they did not trade him. The Sox told him thanks but no thanks, what was done was done, and pack plenty of sunscreen.

It took a call from Boras for the Sawx to realize that Manny's behavior was calculated? Maybe we give Boy Wonder and Stat Man too much credit. Of course his behavior was calculated. It appeared to be clear to everyone except Manny and Boras that enough was enough and he had to go. Did they think Epstein and Co. were bluffing during talks with Florida, Philly and other teams? Did he think that he would be allowed to walk at the end of the season as a free agent especially in light of his behavior? Jim Bowden would have let him walk for a rusty bucket of dicey clams and diabetes but there was small chance of Boston letting him get away for nothing.

The trade that resulted in the acquisition of Jason Bay from the Pirates seems to have gone over well in the clubhouse.

David Ortiz: “Things got to the point where they had to do something - and they did. They’re happy, Manny’s happy. I’m going to miss my man, I’m not going to lie to you, but we’re looking forward. The team needed it.”

Jason Varitek: “Things escalated to degrees where something had to be done either way. …Either way, I think it’s a relief that there’s closure to something that’s been going on for the last week or 10 days. I’m just relieved there’s an actual solution, which there was going to be, regardless, on this day.”

Jonathan Papelbon: “From the front-office standpoint, I feel like this did have to happen. Sometimes you make decisions, regardless of whether you got a worse player or better player out of that deal - it makes your team as a whole better. I think that’s what their decisions was based on, that feeling of camaraderie and 25 guys playing for the same goal.”

Mike Lowell: “I think (Ramirez’ constant griping) had a big impact on people in upper management because there are important decisions to be made in the next couple of years.”

Let's see how Joe Torre and Sawx West deals with his antics when they start. I suspect he'll have a much shorter leash.


** Expected Denial Update ** - Boras called the report "completely inaccurate". “'I never called them back (after the trade).'”

While Boras declined to address specifics, he did acknowledge the Red Sox and Ramirez discussed an array of solutions before the three-way deal that brought Jason Bay to Boston. One source confirmed the possible outcomes included Ramirez remaining with the club if the Sox formally declined to exercise the player’s $ 20 million option for 2009 following this season, an alternative organization decided against largely because it deemed the player untrustworthy.

I assume Boras meant he brought up the option and the team laughed until they pissed themselves.

"Oh for the love of God, somebody get the jaws of life!" The Ravens are dropping like flies. Son of a bitch. At this rate, mascots Edgar Allen and Poe will be starting on the O-Line during week 1.

When Putting On A Clinic Goes Wrong

Not to take anything away from Nicolas Anelka who scored four goals against AC Milan in the Railway Cup this past weekend but his job wasn't too difficult. There are numerous examples of the proper way to play goal and defend. Then there are examples of everything you shouldn't do in either position. AC Milan decided to roll with the latter.



Happy Uncle Roman. That's what I want to see.

Old Hotness: Gulag Life.

Pour out a little liquor** for Alexander Solzhenitsyn. The inspiration for Mr. Thug Life 2Pac passed away from heart failure today at age 89.

** Radio edit for you working stiffs.

I Don't Know Jake Brown But You Are No Jake Brown

You might remember skateboarder Danny Way from jumping the Great Wall of China. He tried to do a Big Air impression of Jake Brown at this year's X Games. You might remember Mr. Brown from last year's X Games where he tried to show off by blowing his shoes off his feet after falling four stories.



Fail.

The announcers talked about having the "best medical staff in the business" after Brown's fall. However in his and Way's cases, the staff walked them off the ramp. My name means doctor so I know a little bit about this. That just doesn't seem right. The extent of their injuries are unknown at the time so why would they risk further injury by making them walk it off? The medics were probably in the locker rooms rubbing 'Tussin all over their wounds and talking about windows to weight gain.

What's with rubbing his chest? Talk about taking advantage of someone when they're vulnerable. "This is my chance, dude. I gotta take it."

Brown ended up with liver and lung bruising, vertebrae stress fractures and a fractured hand. Way managed to escape with ligament damage in his right knee, ankle and shoulder in addition to abrasions. Damn lucky considering how both could have turned out.

Black kids are better at soccer because they're "physically stronger" and "lazy white boys are missing out on football’s big time because they do not have the stamina of black children or play enough with their friends"?

Invisible Chinese Wrestling Rocks

This is a concept that I cannot believe Vince McMahon has not used in a match yet. Invisible man vs. actual wrestler. Its Zhao Yun Zilong vs. the invisible Misutero...basically he's wrestling himself. Just brilliant.

Break Up The Nationals Please!

So now that the trade deadline has passed, I figure I'm going to take a second to go off on a rant about my favorite team (20 game plan holder since season 1) the Washington Nationals. Here we go...

<rant>

I hate my team. I really, really hate them. Now, don't go calling me a fairweather Nats fan, I'm not going off the bandwagon, I understand that you have to go through the bad times to get to the good, I really do. I'm a Wizards/Bullets fan, I'm a Capitals fan, I know a thing about sucking before you see the promised land (in those 2 teams cases, I've never actually seen the promise land but that's a different story). I'm a Redskins fan for crying out loud, it was great when we won, but since 1991 we have lost more games than we've won. Trust me when I say I know about sticking with your team through thick and thin. But when you see your team being run into the ground during the thin times, how can a true fan just sit by and say nothing?

Well, for me right now, this might be the thinnest of times I've ever seen and it is painful to watch and I am having a hard time understanding why I am paying Major League Baseball money for a team that doesn't seem to be meeting many of the standards set by every other team in the league for professional play. This team was set up to fail miserably this season and we're supposed to still just be happy we've got baseball in DC? Where is the progress of "THE PLAN" that is supposedly in place? What reason do we have for this blind faith the team is asking of the fans? For those of you who don't know, this is what we've got going on here in DC.

• Our major league team is really just a collection of AAAA players with a smattering of young talent that is long on potential but short on realizing it anytime soon and even if they reach the potential they have we have maybe 3 people that could be difference makers on a championship team (Elijah Dukes, Ryan Zimmerman and Jesus Flores).
  
• A pitching staff that used to be washed up veterans but now is a collection of mostly young starters that wouldn't be any higher than the #4 starter on any other team at best.
• A minor league system that was in ruins and is now slowly getting stocked with players, yet no other team in the league seems to agree with the Nationals' assessment of how good those players are and none of them are projecting out to be a major impact bat or arm at this point.
• An owner with a reputation of being a cheapskate and with his recent legal actions against the city that gave him a stadium for free and not paying a single day's cent of rent for the stadium yet, one cannot automatically discount it. Also, where is that #1 draft pick signing?
• A team president in that asks his followers to believe in the Plan. He asks for patience and faith and time but in return he gives the fans...um...I'm not sure. A pretty crappy ballpark that gauges its fanbase for a product that is by all accounts substandard. I do know we are severely lacking in bobblehead giveaway nights as well...I want my bobbleheads!
  
• A GM with an unfathomable love for "toolsy" outfielders and ex-Cincinatti Reds players who never perform up to the potential he seems to think they all still have. Nice job giving up Juan Rivera chief.
  
• The front office assistants and scouts are mostly from Arizona and have been slowly accumulating as many Diamondback minor leaguers as they can, which is eerily reminiscent of the aforementioned GM and not entirely horrible on the face since the Diamondbacks have a pretty good farm system. Sadly the last 2 acquisitions will not do anything to help the Nationals severe lack of offense but should provide some spectacular middle infield defense.
• A manager that should part time as a motivational speaker with the amount of positive thinking cliches he spouts...but he's not the problem, if he weren't there keeping this collection of misfits together we'd have anarchy in the clubhouse. Viva le Manny!
  
• A hitting coach that seems to be doing WAY more harm than he ever has good and appears to have no idea how to tell someone to take the 1st pitch. TAKE THE DAMN FIRST PITCH! DON'T SWING IN A 3-0 COUNT! STOP "TRYING" TO HIT HOME RUNS! Is it that hard?
• The Nationals might just have the worst third base coach in the history of third base coaches.
  
• An amazing pitching coach...sign him FOREVER.
• A stadium that is new and nice but bland as hell and like most new ballparks quite pricey to attend. This would not be a problem except we are being asked to pay this money to watch garbage. Pure garbage.
  
• A television contract the team cannot control that has them with just 40 HD games on a network that no one can find and only 9,000 viewers for each game on tv in one of the best television markets in baseball. On the bright side, the owners get 25 million dollars for doing absolutely nothing about the situation. Way to help out the fans guys.
  

So...as you can see, I am not happy. Now, I knew going into this season that it wasn't going to be pretty, but I expected to see the same plucky group of characters that had defied expectations every single year they've been in town. Those teams finished up with a bad but not ugly record but watching them play was actually fun. It was fun because they had major league ball players playing like a pro team should. They had strong at bats, they got on base, they scored runs, they pitched...well they didn't pitch great, but if they had a lead they'd do their damnest to keep it, they ran the bases smart, they played solid defense. Basically, they played the game the way it should be played. This team does all these things at some points, but never all at once. They might get 1 or 2 things right in one game and that makes it miserable product to watch.

I have a 20 game plan for this season, like I have had for every season the team has been in town, but this year I may have attended 3 games so far. Why is that? Well for starters, I hate my seats. My group got screwed in our seat change for the new stadium. I hate our seats. I have sat in my seats once and it wasn't even for a full game. I hate our seats. I stand in the Beer Pen in the outfield because it is less cramped than our seats (yes RFK had better seats) and I get a better view of the pitcher and batter. I HATE our seats. Ok...there is that but the real problem is I cannot get excited for this team.

I am a knowledgeable enough baseball fan and I know the Nationals have no chance of winning a game unless the stars align just right, which doesn't happen often. About 2 out of 3 times it doesn't happen. This is a major league product? Who wants to go to the stadium, sit in cramped seats, move to a standing room only section and stand for most the game, pay out the nose for food and beer, sit around a bunch of fans of the opposing team who are happy and cheering their team because their team is winning and my team is losing and more than likely getting shut out while playing an abortion of major league ball. The team thinks so little of its fans it says "oh they're just young" to brush aside the ugly play on the field but lately our starting lineups have average 28 years in age. They are not young, they are just bad and there is no excuse for any of it other than these players should not be playing professional baseball together.

Again, you can call me fairweather, but that would be wrong. I'm not rooting for any other team, I will stick by the Nationals but I just really hate them right now and it pains me to watch them be this bad. They are already looking towards next year and so am I. I am waiting for next season when the players are healthy, when the players start working the pitch count, when we run out ground balls, when we throw out would be base-stealers, when we have a team batting average that is over .241, when we slug over .360 and when we have an OBP over .314, when we play baseball like a major league team instead of a minor league team. Will any of that happen? Probably not with the talent we have ready to come up from the minors and certainly not with the team we have this year.

Why are the fans asked to pay major league prices for this product? I was planning on going to the stadium on Friday to watch a game and if I could ask the team president, Stan Kasten, that question I would, but except for the fact that I have already purchased a ticket, what is the point? The team has given up on the year, why can't I?

</rant>

Air Racing > Ground Racing

This might just be the coolest thing I've seen all year. Auto racing is for wimps, rocket racing is for real men. The Rocket Racing League yesterday displayed its prototype "formula one" rocket powered aircraft that will be the vehicle the league will use to run its races. That is freakin cool.

How does one race rocket planes you ask? Well the planes will fly through a three dimensional course that shows up in the HUD (heads up display) of the pilots, and i assume on monitors for people on the ground. Think of it like that old nintendo video game Star Fox, only in real life...and without the dumbass animals talking to you the whole time.

If you want to watch an example of the racing, watch this video

Its about time that someone does something cool like this. I have never gotten into NASCAR or INDY or F1 racing at all, seemed too boring to me watching cars go around circles or closed loops, but this...this is different. It could be like watching a race scene out of a bad star wars movie in real life, only much better because that bastard Jar Jar Binks isn't shucking and jiving all over the place. The only question is, which ESPN channel with this be on...or has Versus found something else to add to its programming besides the NHL?

Originally found via Space.com

Deco: The Definition Of A Dog

Think you're a player? Have you gotten your mistress pregnant while your first wife was expecting your third son? Did you divorce the first wife then marry the mistress only to divorce her after being busted taking part in an orgy with prostitutes while on a trip? Didn't think so.

That's how new Chelsea signing Deco gets down. If "40 Condom" Robinho joins him from Real, the women of London better bring lunches to the Bridge. It could be a long season.

The Detroit Pistons have no interest in winning the next two seasons. Hopefully they have cases of French dressing on hand.

Billy Ocean Would Be Disappointed in Bobby Petrino

"White power, white power!"

Somehow I don't think Billy Ocean meant for people to take him literally when he said, "When the going gets tough, the tough get going." If that were the case with "Get Out of My Dreams, Get Into My Car"**, Chester the Child Molester would be using that song as his script when cruising in his cargo van at 2:30 PM Monday through Friday.

Petrino took to the podium during SEC media days and gave excuses so good that Nick Saban might have shed a tear if he had anything but coal and greed in his heart. When asked about his new job as Razorback head coach and his departure from the Falcons, the b.s. started to flow like the runs.

"Yeah [the Falcons situation] was [the most difficult time he endured as a coach]," he said. "It was a trying situation. But everybody there worked as hard as they could to do the best job they could. ... The whole situation, the timing was bad, no question. With the Falcons, and with Arkansas, it was really the only way it could play out."

Three games left in the season. Oh I don't know. Maybe he could have finished the season then resigned to pull a Rodney Dangerfield. Maybe he could have addressed his team and the organization face to face instead of sneaking out like a Mayflower truck (not that I'm still bitter about the Colts or anything). Maybe he could have been straight up with owner Arthur Blank instead of lying to his face.

In Atlanta, Petrino found himself handcuffed by the dog-fighting controversy that surrounded quarterback Michael Vick. He said one the primary attractions of joining the Falcons was the opportunity [to] coach Vick.

After Vick was suspended by the league and eventually sentenced to federal prison, Petrino said much of the attraction was gone.

"They had a quarterback at that time that I thought could be real special, so that played a lot into it," he said. "But, you know, it was a difficult season. You always try to look back and really try to reflect on what I could have done better here and what we could have done better."

Billy Ocean says Petrino is very bad man. At least that's what I think he would say. I imagine he sounds like Jar Jar Binks or Screwface when he talks unless he fakes it like Lennox Lewis.

Arkansas must be pleased to know that when things get hard, Coach Bobby will have one foot out the door. I can understand wanting to run away from the worst QB in NFL history but the city and rest of the team had no choice. Do players and fans need to worry about his commitment if they hit a rough patch or lose some of their top players to injury, arrest or ineligibility?

I can't wait until his press conference in the fall of 2009 when he takes the Valley High job. "I love high school football. I was asked earlier what it is I like about high school football. And really the answer is everything."


** You can't tell me that "Get Out of My Dreams, Get Into My Car" isn't a stalker anthem. Listen to the lyrics and don't be distracted by the awesome animation and choreography. Every Breath You Take and Invisible could also be included on a compilation album. "Is that Stalker Rock? Well turn it up!"

Did I just admit I know a Clay Aiken song? Shit, it must be the Malibu talking. Wait, I swear someone just told me as I was writing this. I thought it was Nick Lachey. That's better? Right? Please tell me I'm not a douchebag ... Hello?

Stab someone 133 times and use their head as a bowling ball? That's a paddlin'.

Robbie Keane Does More Than Kick The Ball

Damn. Liverpool actually made another good signing. Hopes that last year's signing of striker Fernando Torres was like a pig finding a truffle went out the window with today's £20.3 million signing of striker Robbie Keane from Spurs. Grudgingly, I admit that this is a great capture for the fat Spanish waiter. However it's not just because of his abilities on the field.



If Keane was around during the Craig Bellamy era, there wouldn't have been unplanned golfing events and Liverpool might have been in Moscow instead of Chelsea. Then again he couldn't have stopped Riise's defection to Chelsea. Phil "Big Nose" Thompson knows.

The Koreans just jacked it**. The Chinese aren't going to leave Olympic gold to the judges. They're all about the subterfuge.


** If you don't want to watch the whole fight, here's a History Channel synopsis of the controversy.

Sleep Well, Flight Attendants

The scourge of the skies will harass you no longer thanks to some sweet ass American justice. Veteran flight attendants will tell trainees the story of David Cornacchia to scare the shit out of them. Kind of like how people scare Robin Williams with stories about bathing. Too dated?

Cornacchia, a hockey player for the ECHL Florida Everblades, was a terror on minor league ice as well as in the sky. He was sentenced to one year and one day in federal prison in addition to other penalties such as a fine and mandatory anger management and substance abuse programs. What brought this on? Going apeshit on a flight from Toronto to Dallas in late December 2007. Mr. Prosecutor?

“Several times requested more alcohol ... slapped male flight attendant with open hand ... put in plastic restraints ... exposed genitals in an apparent attempt to urinate ... head-butted the assisting passenger ... captain requested emergency approach to Dallas-Fort Worth airport.”

The judge was horrified by the incident and agreed with the prosecution that the sentencing guidelines should be changed from the recommended six months or less to 18-24 months.

Cornacchia was given a chance to speak before his sentencing.

“At no time during that flight did I mean to hurt anybody ... I harmed mostly myself, obviously,” Cornacchia said. “I haven’t been drinkin’ for seven months here, and I just want to move on with my life and try to keep playing hockey.”

No whistle, no penalty? The slap and headbutt are minors at the very least, homey. Remorse like that shouldn't be kept behind bars. Give him free like that guy from Amistad.

The soon-to-be Cornholio's incarceration leaves the Everblades with seven players. Don't wait up for that line change, boys. You got as much chance of that as Dave Coulier does of being funny.

I've been stuck watching old school videos on YouTube. What the hell ever happened to Hayden from the East Coast Family (:46)? I saw someone referred to him as "the singing version of Bubba Sparxx". I'll go with that.

Where's Your Messiah Now?

He's in Michigan, Chief. Michigan fans and some neutrals refer to Michigan head coach Rich Rodriguez as RichRod while people from West Virginia and East Lansing prefer DickRod. At the risk of enraging Bucktown Skins Fan, we're going to go with DickRod. I'm not sure if he's at the Petrino-Saban level but he's pretty close.

If it were up to Rodriguez, he would probably say he'd like to be called Coach Messiah or RichGod. He recently had "the apostles" over to his house for a little bonding session.

“I had a handful of players that we call ‘the apostles’. It is a group of guys that the players pick as their leaders, some from each class … we always do that in the summer. I will meet them every week and we talk about issues and things that they would like to see and all that. It is really a kind of communication not that you have to be one of those guys to talk to me, but those guys are kind of the voice of players on certain things.

The apostles aren't supposed to be a religious thing.

"It's not in biblical nature," Rodriguez said. "The definition of an apostle is one that leads a new way. I'm not looking for them to change the world. That's a description of it. ... I don't want anybody to take it the wrong way."

"Since I was at West Virginia," he said. "I had a version of it, too, at the small school, Glenville State. I've always had a group of leaders that I let the players pick. We had a lot of fun with it. Sometimes it's as simple as picking pregame music or that kind of thing. It's not like they're making major decisions. They're not going to say, 'Coach, we're going to run the wishbone this week.' They're making suggestions, not decisions."

The word apostle can mean one who pioneers an important reform movement, cause of belief. Those don't sound like apostle-like activities. What exactly is the reform, cause or belief that makes the chosen players apostles? Shouldn't Rich/DickRod lead by example since he is the head of the Church of Blue? If we had to guess, it would gimme the money or fuck the kids.

Players were not allowed to participate the annual Heroes for Kids benefit last Wednesday. The benefit "raises money for Saginaw youth recreation". The team used the excuse of a mandatory strength and conditioning workout.

"It's a big disappointment for all of us," [Event Director Larry] Preston said. "The (U-M) players always have said how much they enjoy Heroes For Kids, and the strength and conditioning coach (Mike Barwis) said he wants to work with us on this next year.

"But this workout is mandatory, and all players must attend. It's coach Rod's call on that. This is his first year (at U-M), and he's doing everything he can to make sure his team is successful."

Doing everything like not even waiting until the season starts to start violating NCAA rules?

(2) Summer Conditioning Period. [FBS/FCS]
In football, between the start of summer conditioning and the start of preseason practice period, an institution shall conduct its out of season conditioning period as follows:
(a) Institutions shall count back nine weeks from the first permissible reporting date for preseason practice. During this nine-week period, institutions shall designate one week as student-athlete discretionary time.

(b) During the remaining eight weeks of the summer conditioning period student-athletes and prospective student-athletes who have signed a National Letter of Intent or, for those institutions not using a National Letter of Intent, a prospective student-athlete who has signed an institution’s written offer of admission and/or financial aid, may be involved in non mandatory weight training and conditioning activities that are conducted by the institution’s strength coach for no more than eight hours per week.

The charity event was scheduled months in advance. Was it really that hard to reschedule the NCAA rule violation to a different time or day?

Michigan State players attended the event in force and were autographing everything in sight including babies.


Go Blue finally claimed that the players "didn't inform [DickRod] about participating in [the event]". Blame the players for the mandatory workout which I'm sure we'll find out wasn't mandatory after they realize they messed up.

It's going to be even easier to root against Michigan this year.

Revenge Is A Dish Best Served Spicy

The rivalry between Takeru Kobayashi and Joey "Jaws" Chestnut is going international. It didn't take long for Kobayashi to get his revenge against Chestnut after losing the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest earlier this month. He won a chicken satay eating contest in Singapore by eating 5 kilos of satay. Jaws finished second with 4 kilos.

“During a contest, I get in a zone where it’s just me and the food,” Kobayashi said after the match, with pea-green chicken sauce splattered all over his black T-shirt. “Sometimes it’s like I’m in a trance.”

The blue-haired, boyish-looking 30-year-old, who took home about US$200,000 in prize money and appearance fees last year, laughed and blushed when asked about his sex symbol status among legions of female fans in his homeland.

“It’s very embarrassing. I don’t think I’m a sex symbol,” Kobayashi said. “But sometimes women send me their clothing.”

Chestnut made excuses but was an honorable loser (if one can find any honor in losing).

“The sauce was sweeter than I expected, and that slowed me,” said Chestnut, who once ate 66 hot-dogs and buns in 12 minutes. “I couldn’t find my rhythm. And Kobayashi is a machine.”

Singapore hosted the contest as "part of a bid to fashion the city-state as a more hip and attractive place to live". Contests of gluttony determine where I live. I'm thinking about moving and my choices are down to Singapore, Coney Island and Wisconsin. Apparently they also determine the ass I get. Ladies, you can find me on the corner of 1st and 1st challenging real homeless people to beef patty eating contests. I'll win. If you don't eat for a long time, your body begins to reject food. They don't know that. I do.

Super Awesome Cool Betting Time, Boss Man!!

Has betting on mainstream sports lost its appeal? Have you found yourself betting on anything and everything just to keep your gambling addiction game tight and appease the god Gamblor? Allow us to introduce you to Japanese Bug Fights.



This is getting closer to my idea for an animal fight tournament similar to the NCAA Basketball Tournament that the Discovery Channel stole and butchered. I'd also take an animal Kumite. I'm not picky.

Why isn't cannonball an Olympic sport?

Crazy Bwana Wants To Shoot Up Africa

Don't accuse Republicans of not caring about the little man. Congressman Duncan Hunter wants to feed some starving refugees but the State Department is cockblocking him.

Hunter's heart ached when he heard about the plight of the refugees from Darfur who were forced to flee to Chad by the big bad Janjaweed. He was determined to do something about it so he got on the horn to the American embassy in N'Djamena and asked if he could come over and feed the refugees. After being told he couldn't hunt Africans Surviving The Game style in order to feed them to other Africans, he asked if he could hunt wildebeest and serve them to the refugees.

The response from Main State:

The embassy "welcomes Congressman Hunter's interest in food assistance to Darfur refugees in Chad. Given the significant" U.S. aid in the world program, the embassy "would encourage the congressman to time his visit to coincide with an already scheduled food distribution."

The embassy will "make the necessary arrangements for" Hunter to watch a food distribution in a camp.

"Regarding the Congressman's desire to hunt wildebeest and distribute the cured meat to refugees, wildebeest are not present in Chad."

"The Government of Chad does not permit the hunting of large mammals."

Never mind the fact that the wildebeest population is decreasing at a rapid rate due to poaching.

The gentleman from California was not having that. He decided to "look at commercial hunting expeditions in Kenya, Tanzania and southern Africa". The refugees should blame the State Department for their malnutrition.

A chimp sidekick would give the congressman carte blanche to shoot some white rhinos and silverbacks. He might want to consider this as he chooses his destination.

Move over, God Shammgod and Long Wang. We have a new contender for best name ever. This one is related to an athlete so we'll let him slide. Meet Queen Quedith Earth Harrison and her brother God Goldin Zig Zag Zig Allah. That's straight up halal.

This is the Greatest Music Video Ever

That is Gorbachov: The music video. I particularly like the part where gladiator Gorbachov shoots the hell out of devil Stalin with his sub-machine gun, then blasts lasers out of his eyes for freedom. Busting out the Cossack dance at the end was just a bonus. This is amazing.

Want to buy one of Derrick Thomas' watches? You can pick up his Rolex on this site. Its got 17 carats of diamonds on it. Bling bling son, bling bling. R.I.P. Derrick.

You Probably Had A Better Weekend Than Wilfred Bouma

Click on the picture for the story behind the unpleasantness.

Deuce Book Review: "Sold Out So What!"

I got an email the other day talking about a book that was supposed to enable anyone to score any tickets to any event no matter if they claim they were sold out. Naturally, I was intrigued, so I asked for a copy of it, read through it in an hour and here's what I think of the book "Max Deale's Sold Out...So What!" by Max Deale.

Right of the bat, I noticed that its a thin read, that could be a good or a bad thing depending on the person. Me, I think its a good thing, because I don't have a ton of time to read books and review them since I have a day job here (Sorry Kenny Mayne). The first couple chapters are a lot of background as to how Max got started scoring tickets to events, which got me to skip ahead pretty quick to how he actually goes about getting tickets to sold out events and from there I indeed found some useful information.

Yea, the tips and tricks Deale lists are actually solid, some of them I've used before (ie: use Craigslist) when I've wanted to score tickets, but his tips were good in telling the reader how to maximize their efforts in ways that you might not have thought of. I could pick out several things I've done wrong when getting tickets to shows that I will now correct the next time I get tickets.

I could probably sum up the book in a few paragraphs because the tips are pretty easy to get a grasp of, but then you'd have no reason to buy the book and thats the point isnt it? I mean its only 15 bucks on Amazon and you'll certainly save that money in ticketmaster fees from the first pair of tickets you purchase for a show.

Overall, there's a bit of filler for a the tips and tricks given but the points that are made in the book are valid and well thought out. You could tell that he has done these many times and they have worked. The style of writing is extremely conversational, kind of like a conversation between you and Billy Mays (you should watch that link) so get used to your book speaking loudly to you. Also, on a side note, Max and I certainly have different tastes in music, I was completely appalled at some of the concerts he tried and got tickets for but that is besides the whole point...which is to tell you how to score tix to sold out shows and the book does succeed in this.

If you are tired of getting the shaft with ticketmaster fees, radio contests to sold out shows you never win, or jacked up resellers prices, give the book a shot. It just might help you out.

(If you want to hear Max on the Radio, he'll be on the Ferrall show on Howard Stern's channel on Sirius on July 31st at 8:30pm EST give a listen if you've got the technology.)

You can get the book at Max Deale's site or Amazon