No Way This Goes Wrong

"My eyes! The goggles, they do nothing!" Live birds as mascots? That's a brilliant idea.

The front office geniuses at M&T Stadium think it's a good idea for the Baltimore Ravens to use live ravens as mascots at games. The birds are being trained to fly out ahead of the team as they run onto the field before games. They're also being trained how to say "Hello, how are you?", "touchdown" and "Go Ravens". No word on whether they're also being taught how to say "I didn't do it" or "Multiply that bitch up".

[Ravens Vice President for Marketing Gabrielle] Dow said she hopes the bird - or birds - will fly around the bowl of the stadium. She has plans to have the ravens meet fans at the Ravens Walk outside the stadium. As for risk to fans once the birds are in the air, Blocher said there is "none whatsoever" because of training methods Walthers has used.

Any chance she'll regret saying there's no risk to fans? I'll consider the experiment a success if the ravens start dive bombing Steelers, Bengals and Browns fans and dancing with Ray Lewis as he runs out of the tunnel.

Treasury secretary takes five week vacation ... to care for wombats.

Nobody F**ks With The Ally

You might fool the fucks on the ATP, but you don't fool Ally. This bush league psyche-out stuff. Laughable, man! Hah hah! I would have fucked you in the ass Saturday. I fuck you in the ass next Thursday instead. Wooo! You got a date Thursday, baby!

You have to give it up for Ally Kudryavtseva. She does not mess around when it comes to people she doesn't like. She worked Maria Sharapova like a rented mule yesterday beating her 6-2 6-4 and knocking her out of Wimbledon. After she beat Sharapova on the court, she finished her off by calling her out.

"It's very pleasant to beat Maria. Why? Well, I don't like her outfit. Can I put it this way? It's a little too much of everything. It was one of the motivations to beat her.''

"If I'm not afraid to go play her and she's world No.3, I'm not afraid she's going to catch me in the dressing room and say, 'You know what, you said you don't like my outfit. You were wrong'. I will say, 'Sorry. That's just my opinion'.''

It's a well known fact that Sharapova is not well liked (meaning not at all) by her Russian teammates. The girls are going to have a great time rooming together in Beijing. There's a chance she could become shell-shocked like David Carr if she keeps getting beat down Brand Nubian style. She's probably better off hiding out in Bradenton until everyone's gone.

Cohagen, give dees monkeys their rights!

It's Ten O'Clock. Do You Know Where Olympic Games Is?

Something must have been lost in translation. Most parents who name their children after famous athletes generally stick to the first name of the respective athlete unlike those assclowns who named their kid ESPN. Who knows how many little Todds or Akilis are scampering around out there?

The Chinese are taking things to another level by naming their children after sporting events. More and more Chinese babies are being named Aoyun which means Olympic Games. "Super Bowl, where's your brother UEFA Cup? Tell World Series of Poker to get his ass in here too!" Doesn't really work.

One Shining Moment For The Everyman

Some college students have their one shining moment on television or during graduation. Others have theirs under more pedestrian circumstances such as on a beer run on the Illinois-Wisconsin border.

There wasn't much like going to our local college liquor store and finding beer for $6 to $7 a case. There were the legends such as Kingsbury, Huber Bock and Rhinelander (which was as refreshing as Wisconsin's North Woods). There were also losers like the indigestible Sterling. Every once in a while, we would find the random case(s) of some unknown microbrew** such as Brau Meister ... That's right. Brau Meister. Definitely dodgier than Meister Brau. We asked where it came from and the employees had no idea. "They brought it so we're selling it". That would have been it for most thinking people. Fortunately we didn't have that hangup. We were the ones that ignored the Mr. Yuk stickers as kids.

We bought every case they had once we saw Brau Meister was $5 for a case of 24 bottles and drove back to Wisconsin thinking we hit the jackpot. Was it too good to be true? You betcha. Most of the beers had the consistency of quicksand. The silt in each bottle could have beached a small vessel or pilot whale. Did that stop us from drinking it? Of course it didn't.

Why the hell do I reminisce about those times as though they were the salad days? I guess they were in some ways but we only drank that crap because it was all we could afford most times besides the $.99 40oz of Laser. We could also make dorm furniture out of the empty cases. So we had that going for us which was nice.


You're probably wondering why the hell I just took you on that pointless trip down my memory lane. I don't know but what I do know is that a Wisconsin macrobrew is rising from the ashes. Pabst Brewing Co. is bringing back the original Schlitz. This is like going from the new Coke formula back to the original. Actually it's probably more like going from cat piss to monkey piss. OG Schlitz is only in limited release in the Milwaukee area. Hopefully it will open nationally for all the starving high school and college kids so they can live the dream.


** You can't imagine how lightly I use that term.

Giddyup! Diego Maradona Loves Horses

World famous footballer Diego Maradona has finally professed his love for something other than food or Colombian marching powder. He loves him some Julia Roberts. He loves her so much that he would cut off the infamous "Hand of God".

"I would do anything to see her coming along here, along the Croisette," he said, through a translator.

"I'd like to be able to walk along behind her and I'd be able to cut off my hand for that, even the hand with which I scored against England."

"I'd be able to cut off my hand if I could see Julia Roberts," he said.

Now that's dedication. PETA could use a spokesman like Maradona against people like J-Lo, Fur Ho and the seal clubbers of the world.



He makes about as much sense as a sober Pam Anderson and probably costs a dime sack and 20 pounds of chorizo. That's much less than an A-List celeb.

Joey Touchdown Finally Gets His Due

After years of sweat and perseverance, Joey Harrington has finally reached the top. Pro-Football-Reference.com has named him the worst quarterback in NFL history.

Chase Stuart twists the knife:

...No QB has performed so far below the league average for so long as Joey Harrington. To be clear, Joey Harrington probably isn’t the worst quarterback of all time in an absolute sense. But in terms of being so far below average, but far enough above miserable to earn more playing time, Joey Harrington hurt his team more than any other QB in NFL history. If Harrington had been worse, he would have played less, and he wouldn’t have set back the teams he played on. To put it another way, if you had the choice of getting Joey Harrington for 2,538 attempts, or Roger Goodell for 9 attempts you would certainly choose Goodell. At least after he’s gone, your team has a chance.

The Chick-fil-A tomahawk chopping cow should give Joey a 21-chop salute at the Braves' next home game.

We Can Wait For The Petr Cech Version

Ouch...

I demand a Ronaldo Tiny Tears: Deluxe World Cup Set

You know you love Rock and Roll (Part 2). You sing along with it at every sporting event. I was always partial to the obscene Maryland basketball version which I can't find. This will have to do.



Check it. We have great news for you. The pedophile you love to rock with is close to being released from the Hanoi Hilton and is looking to make a musical comeback. Maybe he and R Kelly can do a benefit record for the kids.

Breakin' The Law, Breakin' The Law

Shawn Chacon is a man of solutions. When faced with a problem, he doesn't cry about it like Milton Bradley. He does something about it. Step to him wrong? That's a chokeout.

Chacon was suspended indefinitely for grabbing Astros GM Ed Wade by the throat and throwing him on the ground. The rumble was allegedly over his demotion to the bullpen.

"I said, 'What do you want to speak to me about?' " Chacon said. "He said, 'We just want to talk to you.' I said, 'Anything you can say, you can say to me right here. I don't want to go to the office.' He looked at me, and I said, 'There's nothing for me to say to you guys.' And I don't think whatever they had to say to me they were going to make me happy. I didn't want to get in a closed-room conversation."

"I sat down to eat, and Ed Wade came to me and very sternly said, 'You need to come with me to the office.' I said, 'For what? I don't want to go to the office with you and Cooper.' And I said, 'You can tell me whatever you've got to tell me right here.' He's like, 'Oh, you want me to tell you right here?' And I said, 'Yeah.' I'm not yelling. I'm calm."

"He started yelling and cussing," Chacon said of Wade. "I'm sitting there, and I said to him very calmly, 'Ed, you need to stop yelling at me. Then I stood up and said, 'You better stop yelling at me.' I stood up. He continued and was basically yelling and stuff and was like, 'You need to (expletive) look in the mirror.' So at that point I lost my cool, and I grabbed him by the neck and threw him to the ground. I jumped on top of him, because at that point I wanted to beat his (behind). Words were exchanged."

Astros owner Drayton McLane told the team that Chacon won't pitch for the Astros again.

"If you shoved a policeman down or any other public servant ... can you imagine shoving a principal in a school? It was in full view of several players. Players pulled Chacon and restrained him. There's absolutely no way..."

Since when are baseball GMs public servants? Mets fans are probably wishing Chacon played for them. There's really no excuse for a physical attack under these circumstances unless physically provoked. However if things went down as described by Chacon and Wade did get in his face, we're not saying he should have choked him but we understand. We know Spree feels us.

Five 80s "Sports" Toys That Didn't Kill You, Just Made You Stronger

Sometimes when I'm at work, and bored out of my ever lovin' mind, I reminisce about the fun that I used to have as a child...and how on earth I ever survived. I'm gonna take a look back at the "action" toys of the 80s, designed to get all you kids out of the house and playing outside, not inside turning into zombies with those nintendos and ataris that we had...or if you couldnt get out of the house, at least to give you some calorie burning activity while you're inside. Here are some toys that didn't kill you, just made you stronger.


Pogo-Ball

This was a genius device. It was an oddly shaped "ball" in name only with a rim around it that you stood on, locked your feet around the orb up top, and attempted to bounce all over town with. This was all good in theory but practically impossible to do for a growing kid. This thing had to be the cause of all sorts of fractured wrists and knee injuries, especially if you blew it up as much as you possibly could. One bad angle of bounce would send your ass tumbling to the ground, which was inevitably concrete or asphalt because this sucker would bounce way better on that than say, grass. I never got down more than 3 or 4 bounces on this sucker before I got tossed off, probably because my dad overinflated the sucker, yet I kept trying and trying.
Sit n Spin

The only purpose of this thing is to spin yourself so dizzy that when you try to stand up you collapse immediately to the floor and vomit. Its like concussion symptoms without the actual brain damage! Its like what daddy feels like when he comes home at 3am smelling like a bottle of Wild Turkey! FUN FOR ALL AGES!!


Big Wheels

One of my favorite toys of all time. So much so, that I really wish I could be riding my own, adult sized, big wheel as I type this. The only problem with these vehicles are that you cant go all that fast on these...except when you go down hill and lift up your feet, but yea, that's not totally safe, as I found out as a kid and I have the scars to prove it. Also of fun was that when you got up to a fast enough speed, you could pull the hand break and skid your big wheel out...or flip it over if you are going fast enough and skid out hard enough. That was fun too. I also liked that the solid tires were great to sharpen sticks to a fine tip when you turn the big wheel upside down. I was a stabby child.

Entertech Water Guns

Ok, so maybe these did help kill some people. The water guns themselves didn't actually kill anyone however, but a few cops did kill some people because the geniuses at Entertech made these battery operated water guns look as realistic as possible...confusing many a law enforcement officer apparently much to the chagrin of quite a few parents. The guns themselves kinda sucked though, once your battery was drained, which was quick, you were left with nothing but a realistic looking useless water gun. What a troublesome piece of crap.

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