If John Lennon Was Not Already Dead...

...I'm sure he would've shot himself after seeing this. The payoff starts at around 40 seconds and amazingly lasts throughout the next 4 minutes. Danger...just watching this might make you "turn gay".

You're Out At The Old Ballgame

Why bother putting anyone else up? The Republicans and MSM has already decided on the next president.

What's next? A chance to watch the NBA Eastern Conference semifinals with Michael Dukakis? A Cubs choke with the remains of Admiral Stockdale?

It's what the true Red Sox fan has always wanted. What's that, you ask? Watching a playoff game at Fenway with Senator Chris Dodd! There's nothing more any Boston fan could want more than to watch an ALCS game at Fenway with some politician yammering on about SCHIP or talking about thinking about withdrawing the troops but not really.

The Chris Dodd campaign is offering some "lucky" donor the chance to win a trip to Boston to watch game six of the ALCS with the senator. All you have to do to enter is donate at least $20.04. Someone might want to tell him the 2004 election is over and the 2008 campaign is underway.

So let's go to Fenway Park... I've got two extra seats -- great seats -- to Game Six of the American League Championship Series against the Cleveland Indians. And I believe they have your name on them.

Next Thursday at 5 P.M. Eastern, we're going to pick one entrant at random, live and online, to attend Game Six with me that Saturday. I'll put up the two tickets, $600 towards airfare for you and your guest, and a hotel room in Boston.

Here's how it works. You make a minimum contribution of $20.04 (in honor of the last time the Red Sox won the World Series, 2004) and you have as good a shot as anyone else to attend the game.

And whatever happens, your contribution will go towards our campaign, restoring the Constitution, and ending the war in Iraq.

Uh huh. Sure it will. He's not even sure about the tickets.

Senator, are you sure my contribution won't go towards paying off the debts of an unsuccessful presidential campaign or whores for Dodd and the good senator from Massachusetts? Actually I would prefer that or a night out on the town with Dodd and Ted Kennedy.

"Er ah who's up for Chappaquidick?"
"Can you spell it? Neither can I. Never happened!"


** While we're on the subject of Ted Kennedy and his, um, alleged indiscretions, I'd like to offer up another way he can make a difference to thousands.

Screech, the current Washington Nationals mascot, has to go. It's absurd and childish. The Nats should go for a political mascot. A bobblehead Ted Kennedy carrying a bottle of Jack and car keys. Game. Set. Match.

Wayne Rooney's Cougar

It's been a while since we gave you a roundup and frankly we don't care if you care. That's a lie. We want to love us like a fat kid loves cake.

Let's Be Havin' Ya

Norwich director and majority shareholder Delia Smith has decided to take a back seat in club affairs. She's handing control of the club over to Andrew and Sharon Turner.

Hopefully this means she'll have more time to hype up the club like Flavor Flav.



Don't change, babygirl.


Why Don't I Shit On My Hand And Slap Myself While I'm At It


Why even bother having an award ceremony or contest? Why don't American "soccer journalists" personally deliver the award to Landon Donovan's house and hand it to him as they blow him?

Landycakes won the Honda Soccer Player of the Year Award for the fourth time. Yeah you read that right unless you're Dexter Manley or Jason Kidd. He beat out Everton keeper Tim Howard and Fulham defender Carlos Bocanegra.

"I was a bit nervous driving in," Donovan said. "It's still exciting. It's human nature I think to be excited."

Go fuck yourself. You knew there was no contest.

Howard and Bocanegra put Landycakes to shame. They didn't bitch out of Europe and run back to the US with their tail between their legs. They fought their way into starting positions with their teams. Not only do they play in more competitive leagues, they're better players at their respective positions. Let's not even mention Brian McBride (Fulham), DaMarcus Beasley (Rangers) and Clint Dempsey (Fulham) among others including others in the MLS who bring it every night as opposed to showing up for the Gold Cup and knocking in a couple penalties.

This is a slap in the face to American soccer and another reason why the game struggles for legitimacy. Instead of celebrating the players who bust their asses and actually make meaningful contributions as well as show up EVERY day, the American soccer illuminati can't wait to bend over for Landycakes.

I can't wait until he wins it again next year and acts surprised.

"E. Honda, keep humming on my balls. I love that shit."


William Gallas Is Still A Bitch

So what's new? Nothing.


Expect Errors and System Crashes In Seattle


Former Microsoft exec and Portland Jail Blazers owner Paul Allen has signed on to the Seattle MLS expansion team bid.

The Seattle group includes Sounders owner Adrian Hanauer and movie-studio executive Joe Roth, but the inclusion of the world's 19th-richest man, according to Forbes Magazine, was confirmed by Allen's First and Goal and Vulcan Sports and Entertainment groups Friday.

Allen has been interested in soccer for a while and was rumored to have been interested in buying English Championship side Southampton.

Seattle is rumored to be in the lead for one of the two planned expansion teams but no announcements have been made yet.


Oh Lawdy, Somebody Help Us

It looks like Chelsea manager Avram Grant may be sticking around a little longer than expected. Fuck.

I've been saying that owner Roman Abramovich needs to speak to the fans and explain his long-term vision for the club. Fans, including myself, are still a bit jittery over the loss of the Special One. It turns out he has been speaking to fans on the DL.

Haaretz reports that Abramovich sought out Chelsea supporters after Chelsea's Champions League win in Valencia last week. He sent lackey Eugene Tenenbaum to round up fans and bring them to a bar to have drinks with the owner.

The small group of supporters were told it was time for Mourinho to go because the arrogant Portuguese manager had started to believe he was bigger than the club. And Abramovich told them they must trust Grant.

"I love Jose and will always love him because of what he did for Chelsea - but nobody is bigger than the club," Abramovich reportedly told the fans. "I understand that you are upset he has gone but things had not been right for some while and the time was right for a change.

"I want you to trust me that Avram is the right man and he is a permanent appointment. There will be more additions to the coaching squad but Avram is here to stay."

While the fans lucky enough to drink for free were happy to hang with Roman, none of them were convinced about the longevity of Grant.

"I don't know if any of us were convinced that Avram Grant is going to be anything other than a stop-gap manager, but I think we left the hotel thinking that at least Roman cares what we think and is still totally committed to the club. "He speaks better English than he lets on and I don't understand why he doesn't front up in the media."

I knew he could speak the English. Shady Russian oligarchs.

While the media and other football supporters may have doubted Roman's love for the game and dedication to Chelsea, most Chelsea fans know he isn't going anywhere unless polonium has something to say about it. The only question is whether he's going to run the club into the ground or rebound with a long-term plan for success.

Let's not even mention the addition of an Israeli marine who's also a krav maga and demolition expert as fitness instructor. Let Robbie Savage or Paul Dickov start some shit now. It's on like Donkey Kong.

A Message From Sir Charles

You don't want to take gambling or golf advice from Sir Charles but heed his words, Allan Houston. Isiah wants you so you know it's not the move.

Then again how many people have the opportunity to play with Eddy Curry, Zach Randolph and NBA great Rolando Blackmon? Do it.

You, My Dear, Are A Bad Role Model

Its tough being a cheerleading coach with debts. I mean ya don't have a whole lot to fall back on to pay back the ones you owe without resorting to drastic measures.

You dont have to tell Anna Lois Miles of Hagerstown, MD this. Miles is being charged with running illegal unlicensed bingo and tip-jar gambling event to repay a parent who had dropped $2,000 to bail her out of jail for failing to make court-ordered restitution to some victims of $24,000 worth of bad checks. Shame really, she is kinda cute in a white trash sorta way.

The proceeds of the event she organized were supposed to benefit the Hagerstown Heat All-Stars cheerleading club which she coaches...but instead were handed right to the lady who bailed her out of jail. Pretty resourceful if you ask me.

Its tough being a role model these days, i mean, like there's no benefit to teaching these girls how to run a minor criminal enterprise? Shouldn't she get some credit for that? I think the judge needs to consider it before he lays the smack down on her.

From WTOP

Picture of Anna Miles from this creepy page

What is in a Name?

The NFL is a man's game. To play it you need to be tough, and it doesn't hurt to have a tough-ass name to go with it. The Deuce has compiled a list of some of the toughest names out there, organized by type of innate toughness in the name.

The Rocks -
Call your kid rocky or some derivation of the name and he stands a good chance to be in the NFL and tough as hell

Roc Alexander - hou cb (IR knee)
Rocky Bernard - sea dt
Rocky Boiman - ind lb
Rock Cartwright - was rb
Rocky Mcintosh - was lb

The Baileys -

Both the Bailey boys have great tough-guy football names. One is a champion, the other is your fucking boss! Sit on it!

Boss Bailey - det lb
Champ Bailey - den cb

The Weapons of Mass Destruction -
These guys are so tough their names are fucking weapons. Can you get tougher than that?

H. B. Blades - was lb
Melvin Bullitt - ind s
Anthony Cannon - det lb
John Browning - den DT (cut)
Corey Mace - buf de (prac sqd.)
Marcus Spears - dal de
Takeo Spikes - phi lb

The Slice and Dice Guys -
These tough-men prefer to let the blade do their work, and their name shows their prowess with the knife's edge.

Jay Cutler - den qb
DJ Hackett - sea wr

The Serial Killers -
These men are so tough, their names tell you what they are going to do. They will gore you, thump you, battle you, burn you, savage you, kill you and slaughter you. They warn you before you even step on the field with them.

Arnaz Battle - sf wr
Thump Belton - det rb (cut)
Curry Burns - no s (cut)
Frank Gore - sf rb
Cedric Killings - hou dt (ir)
Josh Savage - no de (prac sqd)
Chad Slaughter - oak t (cut)

The Sexual Predators -
Stay away from these tough-guy sexual deviants...

Jermon Bushrod - no T
Madison Hedgecock - nyg rb

The Sexual Predator Police -
...or he might ask you questions on national television. This guy is just plain scary.

Chris Hanson - ne p

The Carpenters -
These tough guys will take their hammers and nail you to the ground, just ask them what their names are.

Na'il Diggs - car lb
Tom Nalen - den c

The All-Round Toughguys -
These guys names are just badass in their own, unclassifiable ways. How can you label a D'brickashaw?

Bam Childress - ne wr (prac. sqd.)
D'brickashaw Ferguson - nyj OT
Tuff Harris - mia cb - (prac. sqd.)
AJ Hawk - gb lb
Atlas Herrion - hou g (cut)
Turk McBride - kc dt

The Arctic Death -
These guys are so coldblooded their tough names will freeze you in fear.

Bobby Blizzard - cin te (cut)
Derek Frost - was p

The Tanks -
One of these guys had an arsenal in his own house...that is tough as shit.

Tank Johnson - dal dt (suspended)
Tank Williams - min s

The Video Gamers -
A man's man plays video games, and a mans man remembers the joys of the atari and playing with different colored blocks against other different colored blocks...a man's man also plays Madden.

Atari Bigbie - gb s
Patrick Chukwurah - tb lb - kinda sounds like the madden 98 tackle sound *CHUKWURAH*!

The Lynchers -
Their names pretty much speak for themselves. Lynching is a pretty fucking horrid way to die, just ask Saddam.

John Lynch - den s
Marshawn Lynch - buf rb

The Mans Men -
These guys are such manly, tough guy men, that they let you know they are manly in their own names.

Nick Mangold - nyj c
Logan Mankins - ne g

The Mass Murderers -

Hannibal Naives - sf lb:
Hannibal was the leader of some of the bloodiest battles on this planet and fictional serial killer.

Igor Olshansky - sd de:
Igor The Assassin former KGB agent believe to be the murderer of Alexander Litvinenko and who knows whom else.

This Is A Bad Idea

Never once have I been playing beer pong and thought "Gee, this is fun, but it would be WAY better in a pool"! Well if you actually have had this thought your wishes have come true. The Portopong company has created an inflatable beer pong table for use in pools...or wherever you need a portable beer pong table.

Check out these guys playing it in a pool. Don't you want to be like them? They actually look pretty buoyant, their guts being swelled due to what can be assumed to be way too many games of beer pong. I dunno if I am happy they are in shallow water or if I wish they would drown. I'll go with the latter.

Link here to Portopong

Quit Your Jibber Jabber

Is there anything Mr. T can't do?

That's How The SWP Rolls

Shaun Wright-Phillips wants everybody get their porn on.

When we first heard that SWP (pictured with father Tom Cruise and stepmother Katie Holmes) invested in a porn channel, we thought Tom finally passed on some knowledge for life to his son. Then we took a look at the site.

SWP invested £20,000 in Babe Central (disappointing but still NSFW). He not only invested in the channel but he's also paying the talent. In fact, he's paying above market rates and forcing wages to rise. He's causing problems for the other channels and his neighbors.

“He’s been dropping in at Babe Central with his pals and ogling the girls.

"The flats above have been complaining about Wright-Phillips and his chums making so much noise while they’ve been watching the babes.

“The girls are writhing around in front of the cameras, talking to viewers, while Wright-Phillips and his pals drink champagne.”

Teammate Frank Lampard loves filming himself with the ladies so maybe SWP can get him on board. Ramming speed!

Car Soccer

Who doesn't want to do this?

Mom Shoots Baby

Its been a busy Sunday night/Monday for us guys here at the Deuce. We'll get to posting in a bit. A lot went down this weekend. In the meantime, watch this insane mother shoot a sub-machine gun at her baby. Seriously, she shoots at her baby. Watch and be horrified.