The Coup De Grâce

There's no good reason why BBC America doesn't show Top Gear over here. Note that there are no berets involved in this experiment.

Drinks That Should Be Named After Athletes

When you walk into a fancy bar, you ask for fancy drinks, stuff like "I'll take a Midori Colada" or "Caramel Apple Martini" or something classy like that. When you go into a sports bar to watch your daily dose of athleticism you should be able to ask for a drink with a sports themed name. We here at the Deuce love drinking and sports, so we're happy to provide you with a guide. Here's a dozen to get you started. (I double dog dare anyone to do this entire list...if you do, I want pictures and lots of them.)

Snotty Bitch = "A Terrell Owens"
Directions: Prepare a tall glass full of ice then add 1 part Vermouth, 1 1/2 parts Vodka, 2 parts Sour mix, then 1 1/2 parts Club soda. Shake, strain, and finish off with a splash of lemon juice. Prance around like the bitch you are for the rest of the night.

Mind Eraser = "A Troy Aikman"
Directions: Pour 2 parts of coffee liqueur, add ice, float 2 shots of vodka, and two parts (or so) of lemon-lime soda, club soda or tonic water (your preference). Remember nothing for the days.

White Russian = "A Kirilenko"
Directions: Prepare a tall glass full of ice then add 2 parts Vodka, then 1 part Coffee liqueur, finally add 1 1/2 parts Cream. Stay white homey.

Liquid Cocaine = "A Doc Gooden"
Directions: A double-shot. Get a mixing cup ready with ice. Pour in 2 parts each of Vodka, Peach flavored Bourbon, Amaretto and Orange liqueur. Splash pineapple juice, then shake. Pour into double-shot glass...be fucked up for life.

Incredible Hulk = "A Barry Bonds"
Directions: Add 3 parts Hypnotiq to a chilled cocktail glass. Then add two parts Hennessy Cognac. The result is a mean green drink with a sweet but killer bite.

Blue Mother Fucker = "An Eli"
Directions: Pour 1/2 parts each of Curacao (Blue), Gin, Rum (light), Tequila (clear), Vodka into a glass of ice, add 1 splash each of 7-up and Sour Mix. Shake, drink and get sacked.

Veritas Asshat = "A Kobe"
Directions: Fill glass with ice, add 2 shots of 151 (rum) then 2 shots of Midori (melon liqueur)then 2 splashes of sour mix and then fill to top of glass with sprite. Stir with straw and enjoy...you ASSHAT!

Dirty Butt Whore = "An Amaechi"
Directions: Prepare a highball glass full of ice. Add 1 part Bourbon, 1 part Jagermeister, and 2 parts Orange juice. Fill the glass with Cola. Insert your own joke here.

Brain Damage = "An Elijah Dukes"
Directions: 3 Parts Gin, 4 Parts Jagermeister, 2 parts Vodka. Build in a rocks glass with a single ice cube. Go fucking nuts immediately after...dawg.

B-52 = "A Heath Shuler"
Directions: Layer 1 part Kahlua, 1 part Bailey's and then 1 part Grand Marnier in a shot glass. Prepare to be finished quickly.

Sexy Gator = "A Tebow" (for the ladies)
Directions: Put melon liqueur and sour into a mixing tin, and spindle-mix for two seconds. Pour contents into martini glass. Slowly pour Jagermeister down the side of the glass (it will sink to bottom). Carefully float raspberry liqueur on top of the melon-sour layer. If successful you should have a 3 layered drink! Upon finishing, you have had sex with a gator.

Suicide Pact = "A Benoit"
Directions: Grab 2 shot glasses and a friend. Each fill your shot glass halfway with tequila and top off with vodka. Prepare to die. (Too soon?)

FOR PART II OF THIS STORY CLICK HERE
Recipies from Extratasty & Drink Nation
Photo of Drunk Random Dude in DC By SexyFitsum on Flickr
Photo of Tebow from Barstool Sports

The Constitutional Vol. 9

Sometimes...you feel like a nut. Sometimes...you don't. Welcome to the Constitutional.

• Interesting thoughts on why jerseys are so expensive and how the leagues are ripping off Joe Sports Fan. The Daily Sports Tome
  


• 104 Wrestlers Have Died In The Last Decade...amazing and tragic. The Sun UK
  


• Where did Questec go? Oh...its still here. Doberman on the Diamond
  


• The guys from 100% Injury Rate check in on our favorite XTREME sport, National Xtreme Baseball...hilarity ensues. 100% Injury Rate
  


• More Credible is doing a fantasy football league...and I am going to win. More Credible
  


• Speaking of Fantasy Sports, Lozoball is happening...and its glorious. Why Dont We Get Drunk And Blog


• ESPN.com commentator thinks a column is in his future. Sports Hernia
  


• This Cycler forgets he doesn't know how to ride with no hands...right in front of the finish line. The Parlayer
  

What is Roger Goodell Going To Do With This?

Things have gotten so bad in the NFL even the player's MOTHERS are committing crimes. Dallas Cowboys' Pro Bowl TE Jason Witten's mother, Kimberly Witten (pictured below), has been arrested for 25 counts of forgery and theft over $1,000 from the bank account of Marie McQueen on June 22. From Tricities.com:

Police say during an interview with investigators on Monday, July 2, Kimberly Witten gave a written statement admitting to the crime.

According to investigators, Kimberly Witten said she obtained McQueen's bank account information from a statement that was mistakenly delivered to her mailbox. Kimberly Witten said she had experienced financial difficulties and began withdrawing funds from McQueen's account.

If it wasn't out of control already, the NFL has now officially gotten out of control. What is Goodell going to do? He can barely control the players, their wives, or their friends let alone the player's mothers! But the real story is, why the hell is the mother of an NFL player experiencing "financial difficulties"? What the fuck has she been doing? Alternatively, why the fuck is he not helping out his mother? There must be more to why Witten hates his mom, someone find this out. Over/under of a 2 game suspension for Witten hating his mother and not being able to keep her in check?

From Tricities.com

Don't Let Him Come To Your Kegger

This guy is the fastest drinker ever and he will show you in an act that is quicker than Tyson vs Lou Savarese. The stunned reaction by the judges and crowd is priceless. You'd think they just saw my dick or something. You gotta love Japan...

Worlds Fastest Drinker - Funny videos are here

The Coup De Grâce

The Jets are from New York. He's from New York. There's your f'in sports link.



Eastern Motors, Elton John. The man is a genius.

Update: Behind The Basketball - The Marcus Fizer Story

If you're like us, you've never wondered, "Hmm, I wonder where Marcus Fizer is now and what he's doing." You wonder about people like Christian Okoye, God Shammgod and Koko B. Ware. You know, heroes and legends. Not first-round busts who now find themselves playing for the New York Nationals or in Mongolia against a yeti.

You might remember that a massive black hole was created over the United Center when the Chicago Bulls drafted Fizer 4th in the 2000 NBA draft. The gravitational field only attracted suck and blow instead of everything as evidenced by the combination of Fizer and Tim Floyd. He left Chicago in ruins and proceeded to trash the NBDL, Spanish and Puerto Rican leagues like Isiah on the CBA. One might think the Security Council would have passed sanctions against him but as usual corruption, hesitation and the Russian/Chinese/French alliance have allowed him to run rampant.

Maccabi Tel Aviv, say hello to Marcus Fizer. You thought having Hamas and Hezbollah on your borders was bad. Now you have the temper tantrums and bad attitude of a fanatic combined with the born-again Christian stylings of Kirk Cameron. Threat level: Oy vey ... ZING!

When asked to describe his game, he does not display any false modesty. "I can do everything. Play with my back to the basket, get rebounds, score from halfway out, and move the ball around. I also don't have a problem taking shots from beyond the arc. I shoot from wherever God tells me to."

Fizer also said that he would not have gone to Israel if he didn't receive a NBA-type offer. In addition, he also said that no one from Maccabi spoke to him before he signed a contract. Haaretz suggested that the lack of communication could be due to the "sizable financial implications" or his troubled past. Yes. That's it. That makes complete sense.

Now you can tell your family and friends that you know what happened to Marcus Fizer. We know it's probably as lame and unsatisfying as Behind The Music: Huey Lewis and the News but here we are. However if this has inspired you and you want Fizer to give life lessons and show how you and your business can be successful, click here and call! I assume it's brought to you by the Work At Home Institute.

P.S. Here's what Huey's up to these days. All I have to say is donkey punch.

Joey Chesnutt Wins! USA!! USA!!!

The US has the mustard belt once again! Joey Chestnut ate 66 hot dogs in 12 minutes, topping his previous world record of 59 dogs, and beating Takeru Kobayashi's 63 hot dogs. Watch the dramatic "reversal" by Kobayashi here in slow motion footage at 6:10. That reversal cost Kobayashi the tie. Also, listen to the announcers for this ESPN on this, they say around 4:30 that "it could be the greatest moment in American sports". WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT??? ITS GODDAMMED HOT DOG EATING!!! WHO ARE YOU AND WHY DO YOU HAVE A JOB IN BROADCASTING. God I hate ESPN.

Happy 4th of July

We're taking the day off.

The Constitutional Vol. 8

When you gotta go...GO ALL THE WAY! Welcome to the Constitutional.

• One of the most complete summarizations of why ESPN is completely out of touch and useless I have ever read. 100% Injury Rate
  


• Superman is done with football dreams and wants to take on Basketball. Winning the Turnover Battle
  


• Brady Quinn is the Player of the Queer. Sedano (great insomniac radio there)
  


• No way this is real...but this deer gets pwnd! The Scoreboard
  


• Not at all sports...but its the most bat-shit crazy weatherman out there. Awful Announcing
  


• The Dwarf Games took place last weekend...Youtubes of little people running fast soon to follow. Larry Brown Sports
  


• Great series called Real Football Factories, you should watch. Dude Abides
  

Serena Williams Takes Interesting In-Game Photos

We all have seen her hulking arms and her large posterior...but what is going on here? She looks like she is armed with two surface to air missiles aimed directly at her cross court opponent and if she starts to give her some lip she's gonna fire them off like the ED-209. Seriously, she needs to stop I think. There comes a point where there is too much muscle...and that point is when her boobs could rip your head off by themselves.

The Orioles Want To Kill Their Fans

Starting July 12, for $35 in advance or $40 on game day, you can go to Camden Yards, get a seat in the club level and eat all the hot dogs, peanuts, popcorn, nachos, ice cream, soda and lemonade you want. The Orioles have obviously tried everything to change the perception of their team, spending 90 million dollars in salary, firing coaches left and right, but apparently the only way the perception of their team can improve is if they kill off all their fans and start anew. This new all you can eat program is a good start to do that. Stay tuned next week when Peter Angelos unleashes the bubonic plague in the stadium.

From WTOP.com

Tony Hawk on Captain Kangaroo

Sometimes we forget how old Tony Hawk is, dude is almost 40 years old, but he has been boarding since he was a wee lad. See for yourself, check out this Tony Hawk video from 1981 skateboarding to some whacked out Irish ditty sung by the Cap'n himself...how drunk was the Cap'n this morning by the way? Dude was singing Irish drinking songs about skateboarding, having a full conversation with a moose and a skateboarding bunny rabbit circles in front of him and he doesn't flinch? Yet another reason Captain Kangaroo is my hero.

Fan Arrested for Taking A Seat

Slow news day combined with much work means stories like this have to be told. I dont even think I can write this up any better than Kimball Perry did from the Cincinnati Enquirer so I am quoting it all:

Batavia’s Bradley Hosler had a great seat for Sunday’s Reds game.

Hosler liked the right-centerfield so much, police say he decided to keep it.

Hosler, 20, was charged with vandalism and theft after police said he broke the seat - Section 142, Row 3, Seat 4 - and took it out of Great American Ball Park.

“To our knowledge, no one’s ever made it outside the ball park with a seat,” Reds’ spokesman Rob Butcher said today.

Hosler, listed as 6-foot-8 inches tall in the police report, apparently broke the seat portion - the part where fans sit - of his chair and decided to take it home as a souvenir.

Hosler must really like the Reds. In his court appearance today, he wore a Reds T-shirt.

It’s not unusual, Butcher said, for the seat portion to break because it’s plastic and people often stand on them to cheer or even get a better view.

Hosler was at the Sunday’s Reds loss to the St. Louis Cardinals.

He was arrested at 4:15 p.m. Sunday just outside the 1000 Main St. stadium.

Hosler was charged with vandalism and theft and ordered held on $1,500 bond.

From Cincinnati Enquirer