Human Victory Cigars Need Love Too

Poor Jason Kapono. He probably thought he would living in the land of milk and honey after being All-PAC-10 all four years. At the end of a 10-12 year career, three NBA titles and two MVPs, his headband will be bronzed and put in the hall of fame next to Michael Jordan's baseball jersey and Scottie Pippen's plane...oh wait, that got repossesed.

Kapono angered the gods by beating Agent Zero in this year's 3-point contest. He must have thought he'd hit all the parties afterwards with all the video hoes and make it rain with Pacman but apparently he used up all his luck on the court. Sports by Brooks noted Kapono moaning to the Chicago Tribune.

"No one invites me to any parties. Even [Alonzo Mourning]. He's having a billiards thing in Vegas, and I never got anything. He doesn't even know who I am, and I'm on his team."

That's what you get for losing the headband, donkey. He should consider himself lucky. Zo might need another kidney and I'm sure Pat Riley would have no problem putting him down Nip/Tuck style if he was a match regardless of his improved play.

Let the words of Homer Simpson be a lesson to Kapono, Darko and all other human victory cigars fighting the hopeless fight. "You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is never try."

Viva Mexico Cabrón

Aquí hay gato encerrado. You're damn right I do. The PGA is holding their first event in Mexico this weekend. No major stars are expected to appear but the course does boast a unique feature called The Devil's Mouth.

The "mouth" actually is the opening to an underground, cave-like passageway that comes out behind the second hole.

Known as a "cenote," it's the first of many natural delights found on El Camaleon, the Greg Norman-designed venue for this slice of PGA Tour history, the Mayakoba Golf Classic, which opens Thursday.

"It gives character right away," Norman said. "It's an opening statement: 'Here it is!"'

Norman's opening statement ranks up there with JFK's inaugural speech, MLK's "I Have A Dream", Rocky Balboa's "If I Can Change, You Can Change" and Three 6 Mafia's Oscar acceptance speech.

Me thinks this is a devious plot conjured up by the PGA with the help of coyotes to train and import more help to keep American fairways green. There's no way they want Mexicans to take over the tour. Who knows how Fuzzy Zoeller will react when El Gordo wins the Masters. I assure you it won't be bonito.

The Coward Of The County Returns

Now that Lennox Lewis wants to come back and finally take up that rematch against Vitali Klitschko, he'll have to pick up that English accent again. Maybe he can take lessons from Madonna, Gwenyth Paltrow and whatever other ex-pat, wannabe douchebags live in London. "I don't know what a chav is but it sounds so much more refined than anything America has".

Klitschko was in Miami on February 4th where Lewis has a home. It's rumored that the two met there. There have also been sightings of Lewis looking in better shape.

The Daily Mail notes that he might need the money to pay for his properties in Miami, Jamaica, London and America Jr. He's not in Tyson or Pippen trouble but he could use the extra income. He entered the World Poker Championships but lost on the first day. That seems about right.

Funny how the British papers say Lewis defeated Klitschko as if he won outright. If you remember, the fight was stopped after a huge gash opened up on Klitschko's eye. He was winning and probably would have won the fight if he had been allowed to continue. Lewis retired immediately and acted as though he won in convincing fashion and there was no one left to fight. Never mind being down on all the scorecards. He knew he'd get his ass handed to him in the rematch.

Lewis, who had slumped on to his stool at the end of the sixth like a sack of coal falling off the back of a truck, had just about enough strength to rise and celebrate his retention of the world heavyweight championship, but more than 15,000 fight fans knew how close Britain’s holder of the WBC and IBO titles had come to blowing his exalted place in boxing history.

He'd do well to listen to Sir Charles talking about Scottie Pippen.

"I don't know what he's thinking. It's not a good idea...He retired cause he couldn't play. He hasn't gotten better in the past couple years. You don't get better when you retire. You retire cause you can't play anymore. You don't get better sitting at home. You might feel better but you don't get better."

Hell he's 1-2 against Hasim Rahman. How? 1-1 in the ring and 0-1 on the set.



UPDATE: Lennox says he's not coming back. We see the bitch in you.

Blood On The Dance Floor

There are some like the Japanese and eastern Europeans who still take Michael Jackson seriously. Then there are those who take him literally like Australian rugby players.

Penrith Panthers star Craig Gower made national news in Australia after getting into a fight at a club earlier this month. At first glance, this doesn't seem newsworthy. After all, it is Australia and that's what they do when they aren't wrestling crocodiles or oppressing Aborigines.

The man punched Gower when he tried to kiss him and bit his neck after cutting in between the man and a woman on the dance floor.

The club was called the Peppermint Lounge so it's not clear why this guy was surprised when Gower made his play for the try. A witness said Gower was "really drunk and all over the place, making a dickhead of himself".

The fight was the second altercation of the evening for Gower and his friends who were allowed to stay at the club after being warned for throwing punches.

This is the first time we've heard of Gower and we're so sorry about that.

Gower...was expected to regain the club captaincy he lost last year after a wild drinking binge at a charity golf tournament on the Sunshine Coast [where] he was accused of groping the daughter of league legend Wayne Pearce.

It gets better. Gower used the charity event as part of his bachelor party. During the same weekend, he "held a butter knife to the throat of a Sydney radio personality, damaged a golf cart and walked naked around the Twin Waters Resort".

In 2000, he was kicked off the national team for exposing himself to a tourist. Your move, Pacman.

We don't know anything about the National Rugby League but if NRL players are anything like Gower, we need to start watching Australian rugby religiously.

In case you were wondering, Gower was made co-captain of the Panthers on Thursday after showing "leadership qualities" and "personal fortitude". Aussie Aussie Aussie! Oy Oy Oy!

Oink Vey

That was Robeast's reaction when we told him that Canadian bacon is going to be declared kosher if Steve Nash gets his way.

Nash has expressed interest in forming a consortium to buy Tottenham Hotspur if current owners ENIC decide to sell.

If someone were to come in to buy Spurs, I would like to be involved and partner them...Obviously, it would have to make sense for all parties, but, as a fan, it appears to me that Spurs are quite profitable and Premiership football teams are obviously becoming a popular investment for businessmen from all over the world.

The Deuce fully supports the idea of Nash buying Spurs. It also got us thinking about what team Pacman Jones would buy if he decided to make it rain in soccer. It's obvious that Pacman should buy Obilic of Yugoslavia then move to buy Craig Bellamy, Joey Barton, Lee Bowyer, and Kieron Dyer. Obilic used to be owned by Serbian paramilitary leader, Arkan. Franklin Foer, in his book How Football Explains the World: An Unlikely Theory of Globalization, claimed that Arkan

Threatened players on opposing teams if they scored against his team. This threat was underlined by the thousands of veterans from his army that filled their home ground, chanting threats, and on occasion pointing pistols at opposition players during matches. One player told the British football magazine Four-Four-Two that he was locked in a garage when his team played Obilić. The Union of European Football Associations prohibited Obilić from participation in Europe because of its connections.

His wife, Ceca is still president and oh yeah, can't get a visa from the US, Canada and Australia. Obilic and Pacman are a match made in heaven.

If The Wizards Were G.I. Joes Part I

In a new series on The Deuce, we are attempting to meld memories from our childhood and adulthood (sorta?) with something we love from both. Our new feature is "What if the Wizards were G.I. Joes?" Now, we don't have the budget to make our own action figures, but you'd better believe they'd kick ass with their swivel arm grip. Instead, we offer you your own G.I. Joe style Wizards File Card. Kicking off the inaugural file card in the series we offer you Agent Zero, Gilbert Arenas. Collect them all!


Edit: The Deuce realizes now Hibachi was misspelled...this is what you get when working at 2am with a graphics program that has no spellcheck. I will commit seppuku now and fix this error later. The Deuce also knows that last sentence doesn't make any sense. Forgiveness please.

One...Two...Three...SHOOT!

There is another chance for the NFL to do what is right and allow Rock, Paper, Scissors ("RPS") to be incorporated into the league. As ESPN's John Clayton has reported:

"The deadlock between the Browns and Buccaneers for the third pick in the draft will be settled this week by a coin toss. Each team finished 4-12 and played a 137-119 schedule, so because draft position ties are given to the team with the easier schedule, the league has to go to the coin. This is important because the third pick will be a huge one."

Such a "huge" pick in the draft should not be left up to the statistically flawed, random dumb luck of a coin toss. RPS is the only solution. The Deuce has mentioned before how RPS & The NFL should be brought together and this is another instance of how an event of great significance (high draft position) should not be left up to dumb luck.

Its a wonder that the USARPS League has not picked up on this and started another petition? Perhaps none in the organization are Browns or Buccaneers fans because the loser of the coin-toss should be outraged.

Why have a coin decide when a battle of the mind & skill could solve it all? Plus, we'll say it again, their spokesmodels are hot!

Schotty's Paw

It isn't the Deuce's place or desire to get involved in presidential politics. We support nor reject any candidate unless they step up Kennedy-style and pay us for our votes. We only remark on this story because it involves the implicit endorsement of a former NFL head coach and the endorsement's horrible consequences.

Rudy Giuliani is seeking advice from the FEC regarding speaking fees. Fees from recent Giuliani speaking engagements have come under fire. One of the speeches came on the 14th in San Diego. The Washington Post reported that one of the undercard participants for the San Diego speech was none other than coaching genius Marty Schottenheimer. If there's one guy who knows about winning the big one, it's good ol' Schotty.

Stupid, stupid Rudy. He might as well return all his campaign contributions. He's sealed his fate. He'll win the Republican nomination and lose the general election. Doesn't he know Marty will get you to the playoffs and then choke away the big one? Clearly he knows nothing about Martyball or football. Any person who knows nothing about football shouldn't be president.

It's rumored that Jerry Glanville will quit as Hawaii head coach and join the Rudy's campaign as a senior advisor. We can't wait until Rick Kotite and Wayne Fontes show up to campaign for Rudy during the New Hampshire and Iowa primaries.

That Shit Just Be Callin' Me, Man

Scottie must be on the rock 'cause he's talking crazy and not making any sense. It's not going to be long before someone sees him running down a west Chicago street trying to steal a Christmas turkey.

Scottie turned up in Vegas this past weekend to declare his intent to return to the NBA as well as help stink up the joint during the non-sensical old timers, current timers, WNBA skills competition.

I see you, David Stern. You keep trying to sneak the WNBA in there like we're not going to notice. Fuck you for that.

Harvey Araton of the New York Times asked Scottie whether he felt that he received proper credit for the six championships won by the Bulls.

“I think people love me as much as they love Michael, the fans who understand the game,” Pippen said. “The G.M.’s, the coaches — I think they’d rather have a Scottie than a Michael.”

Sympathetic as I’ve always been to Pippen, it was all I could do not to gag on the why.

“Because I’m an all-around player,” he said. “I make people around me better.”

There was no word whether Stern would banish Pippen, as he did Hardaway, if only on grounds of basketball heresy.

Rather have a Scottie than a Michael? Scottie's as high as Pookie in the Enterprise Room. If he keeps this up, Michael might have to make him sit his five-dollar ass down so he can make change.



Sir Charles has always thought well of No Tippin' Pippen.

"Last year he came to Houston and had career lows in just about every statistical category and everybody said he (was horrible). Now all of his numbers are even lower and people are saying how great he is. He is the same player."

We can't wait until Phil calls a play for Kwame Brown in the playoffs and Scottie takes himself out of the game.

Pac-Man Jones: All Eyez On Him

Pacman Jones is being looked into for his possible involvement with a shooting in Las Vegas over the NBA All-Star weekend. Apparently, Sports by Brooks says, Pac rolled up to a strip club called Minxx with a GLAD BAG full of $1 bills, which the Deuce is apt to do anytime we roll up to Camelot or Scores. He then apparently was throwing dollar bills into the air and at strippers and "making it rain" around them. Hey, we can understand this course of action, gotta make 'dem ho's work for that green! Strippers then started fighting for the money, as strippers are apt to do we hear, and the owner shut the lights off to stop the fighting...which then lead to anarchy.

As we all know, when the lights go off in a strip club, its time to shoot some fucking guns off. Its a time honored tradition in fact. Unfortunately, this time, 3 people got injured in the rukus...critically. Whoops, not good.

Pacman is no stranger to brushes with the law, and there is no real evidence at this point showing that he did anything more than attempt to put a few "lovely" ladies through college one dollar bill at a time, but his association with those who may be the actual shooters has labeled Pac as "a person of interest" with made the Las Vegas Police want to question him. The Titans are hoping and praying he is more Ray Lewis than Rae Carruth in this matter, for his sake and theirs.

In light of these new events, the Deuce thinks its high time for Adam Jones to rethink his nickname. No longer should he be named Pacman. He should be Adam "2pacman" Jones. Yeahee-YEAHEE!

No man with this many brushes with the law involving massive amounts of drugs and ammunition should be stuck with the weak-ass name of some yellow mouth running from ghosts. 2Pacman don't fuckin' play no games! 2Pacman eats bullets not dots! 2pacman runs from cops and ho's not fuckin' fake-ass ghosts! Believe that!

Baseball In Full Swing!

Spring Training is just starting but baseball is kicking off the season with a ton news and "news" for the season.

- Griffey admits he broke his hand playing with kids. This is great news, because the Deuce thought he was actually starting to actually like being on the DL and injuring himself on purpose like a Vietnam war draft-dodger so he wouldn't ever have to play again. We will say it again, guaranteed money has NOT HURT THE GAME!

- A-Rod and Jeter really do not like each other...A-rod says so. A-rod seems upset that Jeter no longer sleeps over at his place most nights out of the week. "You go from sleeping over at somebody's house five days a week, and now you don't sleep over." Just...a...little...weird... Anyway, the real story, not reported though, is the whole feud started is because Jeter was creeped out when during the last sleep-over A-rod offered him some "Jesus Juice" while they were watching gladiator movies.- Steinbrenner's successor was arrested for DUI over the weekend. He is married to Steinbrenner's daughter...if she is anything like her father, you can probably cut him some slack.

- New Rule Changes for MLB were just announced. Among the ones the Deuce found most interesting:

• Players caught scuffing or defacing a baseball would be ejected and get an automatic 10-game suspension. Little late to the party on this one? This is one of those, if it ain't broke, don't fix it rules. Baseball has been fine with pitchers cheating and umps letting them cheat for over a hundred years. Give the umps a little discretion please!


• In a rule that makes no sense whatsoever, a player may no longer step into a dugout to catch a foul ball but is allowed to reach into a dugout. Once the greatest measure of how bad a player "wants it!" now, taken away by the front office pansies.


• A batter cannot run to first on a dropped third strike if he leaves the dirt circle around home plate unless he does so while trying to reach first base. This is no fun at all, one of the funniest things in baseball is a player who, while walking towards his own dugout, realizes the catcher didn't catch the ball and then start running towards 1st base. Shame, this Baseball folly footage will no longer be created.


• With no runners on, a pitcher will be required to pitch within 12 seconds, the timing starting when the pitcher is in possession of the ball and the batter is in the batter's box, alert to the pitcher. Who is timing this exactly? Is baseball now going to get a 12 second clock like basketball's 24 sec or football's 35 sec one?


• Pitchers may wear a multicolored glove if the umpire determines it isn't distracting...now umpires are allowed to be fashion consultants. Why not get Heidi Klum out there when a pitcher takes the mound to inspect the glove. She can say "AUF WIEDERSEHEN!!!" to any glove deemed not worthy.

- Interesting paper written on the tradeoff between Home Run rate and Contact rate. Nothing funny here, just good, sound, math.

- Not to leave my hometown Nationals out of this piece, Cristian Guzman thinks he can do much better than he's done the past two seasons. That shouldn't be hard to do considering he didn't play at all last year and batted a mighty .219 the previous season. I think he should try playing drunk, always helped me out in co-ed rec league softball. Also, we've signed many a retread for our open pitching auditions and back-up fielding positions. Amazingly, Ryan Zimmerman thinks the Nationals can be at least as good as last year. You've got to love youthful optimism but come on, this kid ain't too smart for going to the University of Virginia. In any case, GO NATS!

Ain't baseball grand?

BRAAAAIIIINS!!!

Pau Gasol appears to be proof the dead are walking amongst us and kickin' ass playin' basketball. Look at poor Amare trying to guard the zombie there. He doesnt wanna get bit by him so he's pretty much conceding the layup to Pau "The Zombie" Gasol. The look on Amare's face is that of pure fear kids, just like when you were in high school getting called to the chalkboard with a raging hard on and the hot French teacher waiting for you to get up. Pure, unadulterated, fear.

Joe Murphy/NBAE via Getty Images

How does it feel to know that a zombie is making more money than you? Probably the same the same feeling you get when you find out a caveman has a sweeter pad than you.