You Ate All The Pies

Welcome to the Deuce's first soccer roundup of the offseason, you fat bastard. Yeah we have internationals all summer but they're just good for exaggeration, hyperbole and humiliation. I'm looking at you, Enguhland.

Fish Don't Burn In The Kitchen, Beans Don't Burn On The Grill

It was all cute and shit when Bud screamed "King Me!" as he worked Cliff in checkers on the Cosby Show. It'll be funnier when David "Goldenballs" Beckham screams the same when he receives his knighthood. It'll also be pathetic when you realize that Bud's pre-teen voice is higher than Beckham's.

Becks is in line to receive a knighthood for his role in securing the 2012 Olympics for London and his charity work which includes saving England's ass in the Euro 2008 qualifiers.

Congrats on dodging your chav destiny, Goldenballs. You and Skeletor Spice are no longer like school on a Saturday. Nothing says arrived like a scepter and a deluxe apartment in the sky or the Home Depot Center.


Who Ate All The Pies?


That's what poor Aussie international Mark Viduka will be asking after he's introduced to the Toon faithful. Viduka is the newest Newcastle addition after signing a two-year deal on Thursday.

"I am over the moon. I am really happy. The main thing that attracted me to the club was that it is moving towards making more Magpies which I love to eat."

"What do you mean it's just the team nickname? What do you mean it's not even a pie let along food? Why the fuck did I leave Boro? Crickey, their gelatinous meat pies were to die for."

Maybe he didn't say that last part but I do find it strange that Michael Owen is trying to pull the Irish goodbye from Newcastle. It's not even about the Newcastle girls who are so ugly they could make an onion cry. His numerous injury woes make him a gimpy target if Viduka goes on a hungry rampage like a pack of wild dogs on an antelope. It's gonna get all Planet Earth at St. James Park.